Movie Prom Night Presents: Prom Night II: Hello Mary Lou.

Instead of the sequel to Prom Night its title might presumptively imply, Hello Mary Lou is a terrible, low budget Carrie ripoff starring Michael Ironside of Starship Troopers fame. What it lacks in...everything, it makes up for in batfuck insanity.

In 1957, Mary Lou Maloney is accidentally burned to death when a stink bomb sets her on fire at prom. Flash forward to...the 80s (like I can be bothered to remember the year), and the guy responsible is now the principal, which means the local police force must have attributed Mary Lou's death to spontaneous combustion. Being a cop: like having a job, but without doing any work, ever.

"The potato: nature's perfect vegetable" - this weird fuck.

So now Vicki, a shy girl from a crazy-religious family, is on the shortlist for prom queen, alongside bitchy Kelly. Her mother won't let her buy a new dress because of the Devil, or something, so she goes looking in the school's storage rooms. Here she finds an old trunk that, once opened, releases the vengeful spirit of Mary Lou. Why? What does the trunk have to do with Mary Lou? Did the principal know it would have this effect? If so, why did he leave the trunk at the school, where anyone could open it? If you asked any of these questions, you care way more about this script than the writer.

In the 80s, dressing like a pirate at school was considered normal.

So anyways, Mary Lou proceeds to whack this chick with the huge afro and fashion style I can't even begin to place at any point in history. Why? See above answer. She then possesses Vicki, who shows her transformation by listening to 50s rock and roll music and saying Mary Lou's catchphrase, "see you later, alligator". For reasons unclear to science, her friends take this as evidence of her absolute evil, prompting one of the finest kills in movie history.

First, the possessed Vicki gets into the shower, naked, with her friend Monica. Unlike listening to a 50s song once, this behaviour doesn't seem to ring any alarm bells. Only when Vicki starts kissing her does Monica freak the fuck out and go to hide in a locker. Now your typical slasher would go through each locker individually, in an effort to build suspense. But Mary Lou don't got time for that. Instead, she crushes the lockers in on themselves, pulping Monica*.

The lesson is, always lez out.

Though this is by far the high point of the movie, it's not even nearly the most randomly bizarre. That honour has to go to the creepy-ass rocking horse in Vicki's room. For really no reason at all, its eyes start glowing and it grows a tongue. Which Mary Lou Vicki later starts to play with. Now it's been established that Mary Lou doesn't distinguish her perpetual hard-on between boys and girls alike, but are we to believe she's into horses too?

It's a real nightMARE. 4 srs tho.

Another gem is when the priest delivers this garbled nonsense at a funeral:

"And let the violence of her passing remind us of the dangers of the violence we see so much of everyday, in our streets and on our televisions, and movies."

This is such an inappropriate and inexplicable thing to say to, presumably, someone's surviving loved ones that it makes me kek till I cry. This movie isn't a comedy, but it should be.

There's basically no point watching after the locker death, because the whole third act is just Carrie, but worse. Still, if you're offered the choice of watching this or, say, getting your tongue tasered, it's probably the better option.

*Pulping Monica is my new band name.