Have a bastardly St Patrick's Day!

St Patrick's Day is by far the most important day of the year after Rare Disease Day and Houseplant Appreciation Day. It's the day when everyone celebrates the Patron Saint of Irishness, St Patrick O'McKilFitz. But do you know the real story behind the legend? I assume not, even though I don't know you.

St Patrick invented Ireland in around the 12th Century BC, on a dare. Another version of the story holds that he was tasked to invent it in order to populate Boston, Massachusetts, which is in the United States. Once a year, on St Patrick's Day, St Patrick flies around the world dispensing gifts made by his workshop full of leprechauns. Leprechauns make better gifts than elves, because they're magic. Every leprechaun is swag as fuck, because they all have a pot of gold that they keep at the end of their rainbows. This means they are well financed and can make dank memes for all the happy children.

Some historians contend that St Patrick was himself invented by the Irish, thus creating an infinite loop like in a time travel movie (all of them). This is true, because the Irish are not bound by the laws of the material world (Finnegan's Wake). What is known is that the Irish have the best luck in the world. This is because their history is one long, unbroken stretch of famine and Britbong oppression. Legend foretells that one day they will unleash the luck of the Irish, conquer the world, ushering in a new era of peace and enlightenment, and finally transcend into beings of pure energy.

How to speak Irish: a beginner's guide

1. Always greet Irish people with the phrase "how's your crack?" This is something all Irish people say to one another. It will get you loved.
2. Colm Ó Cíosóig: is the drummer from My Bloody Valentine. This is an excellent primer in Irish pronunciation: his name is pronounced "Charlie Bob". Note the accents on the "o"s.
3. Irish people do not say "top o' the morning". They used to, but now this is seen as a sure sign of a poser. The real Irish now say "Y'AI 'NG'NGAH, YOG-SOTHOTH H'EE-L'GEB F'AI THRODOG UAAAH".

If you follow these simple steps, you will be welcomed with open arms. Happy St Patrick's Day!!!