Cherry 2000 to Blade Runner 2049: The Decline of Western Civilisation in Two Robot Waifu Kinos

This smudgy, low-res piece of shit was the only copy of the film I could find, but trust me, it's kino.

As you know, yesterday's scifi is today's reality. Cherry 2000 is a 1980s motion picture starring Melanie Griffith and some guy in a highly 80s neon and synth-obsessed dystopia in which romantic relations between the sexes have deteriorated to the point men are turning to sex robots while """"real"""" women are exacting contracts before sex and dating can commence. It's set in 2017, making this literally the most accurate prediction of the future in any B-movie, ever. Coincidentally or otherwise, 2017 was the year another neon robot waifu kino, Blade Runner 2049, was released. In my ongoing effort to replace academia with shitposting, I offer you a comprehensive breakdown of these eerily similar films and what they say about our IRL dystopia.

Don't you hate it when your wife short-circuits?

So the plot is kicked into motion when our bland everyman hero's robot waifu gives out during foreplay in the suds from an overloaded washing machine. She's the eponymous Cherry 2000, a high-end model powered by the latest technology: a mini-disk. Our protagonist, who I'd swear had a name but whatever, sees his relationship with her as real and meaningful, even though she basically repeats a few phrases monotonously with a smile on her face. Maybe the subtext is that he's as boring as her, so he can't really tell there's anything missing. To be fair though, this relationship appears to be better than the alternative.

What if I told you I was in Apocalypse Now? No really, I was.

Yes, that's Larry "Morpheus" Fishburne (again, eerily presaging his later role by wearing these reflective sunglasses. IRL Matrix confirmed) as a lawyer/pimp/chaperone who arranges dating contracts like in that one Chappelle Show sketch between men and women at a bar. Do you think Hollywood comes up with these ideas because they think the rest of the world are as degenerate as them?

Anyway, Protagonist resolves to get a new body to house his waifu's mini-disk. There's only one problem: the only waifu bodies left in that make and model are in storage in Las Vegas, deep in Zone 7 which has descended into the sort of neo-wild-west setting you'll recognise from 800 Mad Max ripoffs. The major difference is that the villainous gangs that run this wasteland are preppies instead of punks:

The feared warlord Lester (yes).

This idea is funny, and it's just one of a number of imaginative quirks that make Cherry 2000 kino. So to help guide him through this hazardous desert, Protagonist enlists the help of "E" (Melanie Griffith), a manic-pixie-dream-girl-haired qt who I guess is like a Stalker from the movie of the same name, but for preppy post-apocalyptic California instead of Bumfuck USSR. Not, however, before visiting this hotel, where they have a cat in a bottle on the front desk:

Yes.

So E leads Protagonist into the Zone where they're picked up by a large magnet on a crane and shot at with rocket launchers, presumably to avoid damaging the road surface, which makes this a more forward-planning-oriented gang than most.

>tfw no rocket launcher having post-apocalyptic mpdg qt gf

Naturally E and Protagonist Guy fall in love, but a romantic comedy contrivance has them fall out and press on to find the robot body and more hijinks ensue. Eventually they go to Vegas, just like in BR 2049.

Vegas is always a e s t h e t i c after the world ends.

Of course, this is two human beings going in search of one robot, whereas in BR 2049 it's two competing replicants (K and Luv) and a hologram (Joi) going in search of a lone, aging human man in hiding. Quite the demographic reversal in the 32 years between 2017 and 2049.

In both movies the male protagonist has a choice between an artificial relationship with a "real" woman (the prostitute in BR 2049 and the bar thots with the contracts in Cherry 2000) and a relatively real relationship with an artificial woman (Joi/Cherry). Of course in Cherry 2000 he ends up with E, but this only adds another layer of depression to the experience, because E, as a manic pixie dream girl, also represents something that doesn't actually exist. Real-life "random" women with unnatural coloured hair are far closer to the contract thots than to E in the movie.

What do you mean I'm not the girl of your dreams, cis-pig?? This is hash tag why we need SocJus!

What both movies recognise is that a Cherry or Joi is just going to be the go-to choice when the alternative is this Lego-eyebrowed Boris Karloff looking turbothot and others like xir. Cherry 2000 cheats by offering the possibility of a good woman as an alternative, but as Mark Sandman once said, a good woman is hard to find*.

However there is a a teeny tiny whitepill to be found in this morass of depression, in the form of best girl Luv.

<3

For while Joi (Jerk Off Instructions) and E (ecstasy) are both essentially fake stimulants, Luv (love) is real, and love hurts, and the relationship between K and Luv is the realest one even though it is largely antagonistic, because at base she wants Ryan Gosling's BAC (Big Autistic Cock), making her what weebs call "tsundere". Although a replicant, Luv has internal conflict and this makes her more human than the basic bar thots and the mascots such as Joi and E. Luv represents the SYNTHESIS between the loving waifu and real (complex) wahmen. This is what is meant by her catchphrase, "I'm the best one".

Now That's What I Call Kino (Vol. 344)

Despite the crieing of many, this is NOT at all an unattainable standard for wahmen to aspire to. You can even keep your straight bangs.

Do you like how I solved dystopia??? Leave a comment!

*Note that when your entire sex gets BTFO by Morphine you can never recover because Morphine is the best 90s-core band, at least tied with Hum. If anyone still clings to muh feminism in the face of the Morphine argument, they may be dismissed as irreparably basic and broken down for spare parts.

Thank God It's Friday The 13th: Friday the 13th Part 2!!!

Every Friday the 13th two things happen: Jason goes on a killing spree, and I write an article in tribute to him. This time our subject is arguably the best film in the entire series, Friday the 13th Part 2. This article contains spoilers and gluten.

The movie opens with Alice, the sole surviving camp counsellor from the first instalment, who is still haunted by nightmares of her ordeal at Crystal Lake. This seems to have been done mostly to pad the movie out to feature length, which is always a good way to start. Alice gets a call from her mother, who is as concerned as you might expect. This is an interesting point because the dialogue suggests she still has unfinished business at the lake, setting her up to be the protagonist again. This is, of course, an effective fake-out which, like the mystery element from the first film, is sadly no longer effective. Nowadays, we all know she's about to get whacked.

Another story tragically cut short because it would require character development.

So Jason kills her with an ice pick to the temple, which presumably he found in her abode, since it's unlikely he keeps one in his shack in the woods. Had she been staying in a hotel he'd have had to order room service to get something to kill her with. But first he pranks her by leaving his mother's rotting head in her fridge, the absolute madman.

I've got worse in my fridge tbh

With his mother's killer now avenged, Jason returns to his woods to live a quiet life of contemplation and ease. Unfortunately a new batch of camp counsellors decide to set up shop by Crystal Lake, so he pretty much has to kill them all too. I mean, it was that or not kill them, and keep being a hermit in peace, and, really, what kind of choice is that?

Given the state of Jason's cabin, his motive may just be the search for new piss bottles and cum socks.

Sack-wearing Jason aside, one thing that elevates this movie above the pack is the Final Girl, Ginny Field, played by the legendary Amy Steel.

Literally waifu tier.

Ginny is by far the smartest and most resourceful of the Friday the 13th Final Girls, and beats Jason with an uncanny knowledge of psychology the writers made up. It's her analysis of Jason that basically sets the template for our understanding of the character: he's a child trapped in a man's body, unsure what to do without his mother's guidance. You can kind of argue that the reason she is able to survive is she's the only one who cares to try to understand Jason, which is a pretty interesting idea. She also wails on him with a chainsaw at one point, which is pretty sweet.

She also pisses herself during the final chase scene, but nobody's perfect, unless you're into that.

But then there's also the fact that Part 2 is scary, which puts it in rare company with Part 1. Zombie Jason was never scary and from Part 5 or 6 (depending on how much you credit Part 5 for intentionality) the series became more of a broad comedy with gore. Part 2 uses the innate scariness of the woods to good advantage and the hallucinatory atmospherics of the ending are still effective.

Next Friday the 13th we'll cover Part 4, which isn't really scary but is atmospheric and the last "good" instalment. After that things get real retarded real quick, but as the 80s wore on, the distinction between retardation and brilliance wore, at times, extremely thin.