Bastard role models: Lee Ving

Lee Ving was the lead singer in Fear. Fear is a band about beer and hating people. Fear is awesome. They have such varied and interesting material as "Let's Have a War", "Fuck Christmas", and my personal favourite, "New York's Alright If You Like Saxophones".

Fear probably laid the groundwork for such sonic pioneers as Anal Cunt, and such intrepid bloggists as Pat Bastard and the Spurious 5. Everyone likes Fear.

Go away.

Sweet Dreams: 13 Facts About Freddy!!!

Everyone knows Jason, the lovable murderer from the Friday the 13th films. But how well do you know his fellow horror movie icon, Freddy Krueger? Freddy has been around since 1984's classic A Nightmare on Elm Street, and has amassed an enviable amount of trivia to his own name. Here is some of it:

1. Freddy was a child murderer who was burned alive after being freed on a technicality. So little of a fuck did Freddy give that he turned up to his own trial in a Christmas sweater.
   
2. The number of Freddy's child murder victims is unknown. Nancy's mom and Lisa from Part 2 both said it was around 20, while Alice in Part 5 said "20 or 30", and Freddy himself in Freddy Vs Jason claimed it was "dozens". Freddy loves killing children so much he invented a working glove of knives just to kill children with.
3. Freddy had an ice cream float he presumably used to get close to his victims, as seen in the pilot of Freddy's Nightmares. Apparently no one else at the factory where he worked thought this was strange.
   
4. Freddy can kill you in your dreams. To give the series some variety, this was extended to include things like daydreams and the dreams of your unborn child (Parts 4 and 5, respectively). He can also possess people (Part 2, Freddy Vs Jason), and reanimate his bones in the real world to fight you like the skeletons in Jason and the Argonauts. HE CAN ALSO MAKE YOUR PARAKEET EXPLODE.
   
5. Freddy, like Jason, can only be killed by whatever arbitrary plot bullshit is required to end the movie. However, unlike Jason, he is not brought back by electricity, but by flaming dog piss.
   
6. Freddy once appeared on the Dick Cavett show and killed Zsa Zsa Gabor (Part 3).
   
7. Freddy, like the Joker, likes to dress up as a nurse just to fuck with people.
   
8. As the series degenerated into self-parody, Freddy started breaking the fourth wall and addressing the audience directly, indicating that he knows he's in a movie. This explains how he was able to come out of the movies and attack the cast and crew in the real world in Wes Craven's New Nightmare.
9. Parts 1, 3 and 7 are actually good movies.
10. The souls of Freddy's victims become trapped inside his body. Part 4 revealed these souls to include Linnea Quigley, of Return of the Living Dead, Graduation Day, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Night of the Demons, Scream Queen Hot Tub Party, Silent Night Deadly Night, and Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama.
    
11. Freddy Krueger is the only person who can still pull off wearing a fedora without looking like a douche.
12. Pulling Freddy out of your dream will depower him and make him killable, except for all the times when it just doesn't, which is always. This is possibly because the whole series is one big dream, and Freddy is just trolling everybody the entire time.
13. This blackboard from Freddy's Dead appears to confirm that Freddy did the Third Reich, discovered America, fought in the War of 1812, killed Elvis, and prevented the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, confirming him for time travel as well as everything above. This makes about as much sense as anything else in Freddy's Dead.
    

Did you enjoy learning all about this important historical figure??? Do u crie every time??? Let me know in the comments (don't).

My predictions for the new Star Wars movie!!!!

Hello everyone!!! It's me, your favourite bastard!!! Today I will be talking about a very important news topic: the new Star Wars trailer!!!! This is important because lots of people like The Star Wars, even though it hasn't been good since 1983, when I was six!!!!!

When the first teaser trailer was revealed, in 1987, scary people who think they're going to marry Chewbacca or something dumb like that got super excited because the trailer had storm troopers in it, which is like watching the trailer for The Harry Potter and being excited that it has wizards in it, except stupider. Also some guy had a light sabre with a cross guard. I think his name was Darth Toyline.

The reason sequels to movies from 2000 years ago don't work is cause you finished the arc. Luke Sky Walker's arc concluded in Episode 8, when he fucking killed Darth Vader. Han Solo's arc killed all those Nazis. Carrie Fisher got into meth or something. There's no story left to tell. Mad Max completed his arc in Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior, where he found redemption and a sense of purpose by killing gay bondage pirates. That's why The Thunder Dome was such a disappointment that I tried to hang myself (it didn't work: security asked me to leave the mall). By the way, I hope The Mad Max 4: The Fury Road doesn't suck!!!!!

The other reason The Star Wars Episode 4: The The Force Awakens is going to be rubbish is because it's made by JJ Abrams, who is a very talented filmmaker who turned The Star Trek from a utopian fable about people of all races pioneering across the universe into The Die Hard 4: Ugly Lighting, Too Many Closeups, Lens Flare And Pandering. In case you don't remember, that was the movie where Captain Kirk meets Dr Spock by running into a random ice cave.

Suzy Snakebite Vs The Thinking Barbarian

Click to expand

Strength of mind is best strength.

Which is the cringiest politically correct term?

Hi everybody. My favourite politically correct term is "differently abled". This is a good and accurate term for people in wheelchairs: look at Professor X, he can read minds.

But not all politically correct terms are as on point as this. Take for example the term "people of colour". This is quite obviously just the old racist term "coloured people", they just changed the order of the words around. This is like calling a gay guy a "person of faggotry". I think politically correct people don't realise that that's how stupid that is, because their orthodoxy has eroded their brains like Creme Eggs erode teeth. Creme Eggs must only be eaten frozen. Put them in the freezer, they taste better. Be careful though: they may chip your teeth if you bite down on them like a dummy.

Sometimes "people of colour" is shortened to "POC", because nothing encapsulates respect for peoples' unique cultures and heritage like lumping them all in a homogeneous mass of not-whiteyness, and then reducing them to an acronym. If politically correct people were in charge of Hallmark, your happy retirement card would read "you're going to die soon", and they'd spend your retirement party bringing it up to everyone to tell them not to bring it up.

If this dystopia ever ends, history will look back on political correctness as a long, unbroken string of idiots shooting themselves in the foot for no reason, by first declaring pre-established terminology offensive, and then replacing it with something even worse, while the rest of us sat around wondering why you would need to invent ugly euphemisms for human beings in the first place.

Movie X Presents: Prom Night 3: The Last Kiss?

Prom Night 3 breaks series tradition by being a real sequel to the previous film! Luckily order was restored with Part 4, which once again had nothing to do with any of the others*. But for a brief, shining moment, this series flirted with continuity, and the result was Prom Night 3: The Last Kiss.

Mere fire cannot defeat Mary Lou's eyebrows.

The movie starts with Mary Lou Maloney, the villain of the previous film, trapped in "Bad Girl Hell", which is sort of a chorus line with dancers chained to the floor. Mary Lou escapes by breaking her shackles with a nail file, an excuse to bring her back so weak it makes Freddy Krueger's resurrection by flaming dog piss in The Dream Master seem well-thought-out. Mary Lou then kills a janitor with a jukebox, before setting her sights on our protagonist, Alex.

In a fit of almost reckless character development, Mary Lou is now looking to settle down, and her schtick evolves into a sort of Overly Attached Girlfriend thing with Alex. She kills everyone who is holding him back, enabling him to get good grades, excel at football, and become popular like never before. All he has to do is bury the bodies she leaves in her 50s-ass wake.

Lucy finds a new way to fuck with Charlie Brown.

While the first two Prom Nights tried to be like proper horror movies (with mixed success), Prom Night 3: The Last Kiss is a comedy from start to finish, like Rock And Roll High School with a body count. This allows Mary Lou, now played by the very charming Courtney Taylor, to cut loose with such hijinks as killing someone with a drill-shaped football (still not as good as the basketball head explosion in Deadly Friend), and impaling a guy's hands with ice cream cones. Even Jason never figured out a way to kill someone with those.

51 flavours...of death!!!

The incidental wackiness just makes this movie so adorable. There are throwaway gags delivered through the school's overhead announcements, quirky minor characters that keep things interesting, and bad acting of the best kind. It's the kind of movie that you know they knew was stupid when they made it, so they just had fun and it kind of wins you over.

Also starring the boom mic.

But by far the movie belongs to Courtney Taylor, whose Mary Lou is the most sadly overlooked of all the horror villains. While Part 2's Lisa Schrage played it straight, Taylor gives the character this kind of peppy, discount Audrey Horne quality that fits perfectly with her 50s retro schtick. I think Mary Lou is overdue a comeback. Do it, Canada.

*Don't watch Prom Night 4: Deliver Us From Evil. Despite having a cool title and the potentially lulzy idea of a priest being the killer, it's just boring bad, not funny bad.

This is now a lyrics site.

Greetings fine readers. Since this blogue started in 1973, we've seen massive success on a global scale. However, I feel it's now time to move on and to that end I'm transforming this into a lyrics database with user-submitted content. To get the ball rolling, here's Gloria Gaynor's 1893 hit, "I Will Survive":

At first I was afraid

I was petrified

Kept thinking I could never live

Without you by my side

But then I spent so many nights

Just thinking how you did me wrong

And I grew strong

And I learned how to get along

And now you're back

From outer space

I just walked in to find you here

With that sad look upon your face

I should have changed that stupid lock

I should have made you leave your key

If I had known for just one second

You'd be back to bother me

Go on now go, walk out the door

Just turn around now

Cause you're not welcome anymore

Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?

Did you think I'd crumble

Did you think I'd lay down and die

Oh no, not I

I will survive

Oh I can paint my house without you

And I know I'll stay alive

I've got all my life to live

I've got all my love to give

and I'll survive

I will survive

Hey-hey

It took all the strength I had

Just to paint this room

I painted over the mirror

And I fell and broke my broom

And I spent oh so many nights

Trying to contact my dead uncle

I used to cry

But now I go spelunking

And you see me

Down in a cave

I'm not that chained up midget and I'm

Going to that rave

And now I've got a rare disease

But it doesn't bother me

And now I'm taking laxatives

Via suppository

Go on now go, walk out the door

Just turn around now

Cause you're not welcome anymore

This intervention isn't going very well

You can take mom and dad

And tell them both to go to hell

I'm staying here

And sniffing glue

Oh as long as I've still got a nose

That's what I want to do

I'm not going back to school

I'm not going to the pool

And I'll survive

I will survive

[Fade out]

Let me know if you have any corrections!!! I'm pretty sure I got them all!!!