How I discovered Locrian, by Pat Bastard

So I was in the nursing home, convincing the Alzheimer's patients I was their son, when I heard the sound of a car crash on the street outside. Grabbing my host's walking stick, I ran out to the street to point.

There, on the street below, were two cars smushed together like lesbians. One of the cars had a broken light and it was all crumpled up, but neither of them were destroyed very much. Seeing there was little use in pointing, I sighed with a dejected shrug and prepared to go, but just then the old lady that owned the car that had crashed into the other car and the old man who owned the car into which the other car had crashed into which hopped out and started arguing. When old people argue it's best to stay out of the way and laugh quietly to yourself, just like when people trip and fall but are still big and mean. Smirking in a bastardly fashion, I backed away obliviously into a large metal person.

I like heavy metal (the music, and also the movie), so I figured this would go well. Having bumbled into this person, I sought to diffuse the situation by clenching my fist with my little and pointer fingers out, and screamed "hail Satan!" Unfortunately this seemed to unnerve the guy, so he jumped back reflexively and fell over a wheelchair which was carrying a differently abled person in it.

Seeing my mistake, I decided to do the decent thing and point at the differently abled. "Hey asshole," I shouted, "watch where you're going!" "That's alright dude", said the metalhead, picking himself up and dusting off his Cephalic Carnage T-shirt. "What the fuck is your problem?" said the differently abled. I realised he was talking at me, so I did what anyone would do. "Are you gonna let him talk to you like that?" I shrieked at the metalhead. This caused the metalhead to glare at the differently abled. "Kill him!" I squealed, and ran off.

Later I hid in a bookstore, and someone there mentioned they liked Locrian. I checked them out. They're awesome. Return to Annihilation is a great album. It's right up there with Dr Octagonecologyst and the Blue Record.

Self-portrait

They should hang this in schools.

Abolish days and months!

I was talking to my bestfriend lately, and she hit upon the question that would revolutionise our concept of time: what if we didn't have dates and months? We would measure time only by seasons. The pace of life would slow down. We'd say, "when are you coming over?" and reply, "the Summer".

With this manageable pace of life, we'd hibernate during the Winters. We'd be so well rested, we'd never be cranky. As we'd wake up in the Spring, it would be light and warm when we woke up, as opposed to what we now call "mornings" (Purgatory).

I say we scrap days and months. I will be running for office in 2015 on this platform, unless I forget.

Bastard role models: Jabba the Hutt

My role model is Jabba the Hutt.

Some people think Jabba the Hutt is a vile gangster, but I think Jabba the Hutt has many good qualities that make him suitable to manage the Tatooine underworld and be my role model.

Jabba the Hutt managed to earn respect and live in a giant space palace despite two very significant handicaps: he couldn't speak English, and he was too fat to move. He also showed his willpower by seeing right through Luke’s Jedi mind trick, which is essential for good management. Jabba the Hutt was also an equal opportunities employer: his staff included pig-faced orcs, that guy with the tail on his head, Salacious Crumb, a blue elephant and many more.

Jabba the Hutt also took an active role in preserving the landmarks of Tatooine, like that giant mouth in the desert. Jabba the Hutt kept it well fed with his prisoners. How else was the mouth going to sustain itself? Did it just wait for space camels or whatever to wander into it? That’s just stupid.

In conclusion, I think we should all be more like Jabba the Hutt. He’s a conscientious employer, cares for the environment, and knows how to accessorise his slave girls. I wish Jabba the Hutt was my dad.

Moar phun with travel.

Many years ago I wrote a piece about how travel broadens the mind (and Warrington kills it). Looking back through my travel pix I noticed more unusual things worth sharing, so here it is.

This is literally the equivalent of show and tell, using the stuff you find in your pockets. I'm so burnt out :(

Sideways DVDs on sale in Spain.

So far as I can tell (after literally some research) this is only happening in Spain, and perhaps Spanish speaking countries. Why make sideways DVDs? Well, why make vertical ones? And for that matter, why put the North Pole at the top of the map? Why not the bottom, or even the side? And then it hits you: in the whole wide universe, which way is up? The way our magnetic north faces? But why? And then you picture rotating the universe on its head, just because of a weird promotion in a Spanish mall. When I said travelling expands your mind, I meant it in the drugs way.

Things I learned from Berlin:

-Their little green crossing man wears a hat

-At least one mall has a toilet that rotates and cleans the seat

-There's a man dressed as the Predator (or the Predator himself) outside the Brandenburg Gate:

The best clock in the world: as the man's sword arm drops, the globe rotates, leaving the monkey pointing to the current hour.

See that strip of green in the distance? That's the fabled Green River melon fields.

Every year in September Green River, Utah, hosts a Melon Days festival, during which the town swells to literally thousands of people. Highlights include a large carved effigy of a melon slice being carted through the town as a float. I was so sad I couldn't make it this year that I went to the movies instead.

The toilets in Sun Studio are shaped like guitars.

This is so cool, it makes me want to spend even more time on the crapper, preferably reading Tim Gautreux and listening to "Walk the Line" or "Mystery Train". Goddamn I love America (srs).

Have you heard the good news about Braco?

Braco, known as the Gazer, is a Croatian man who stares at people. He is way more popular than most of the artists in your music library, he has a following all around the world, and he never speaks in public.

Braco's gaze is said to have the power to heal, but it is not known by whom, as Braco states he makes no claim of any healing power resulting from his gaze. This means that thousands of people all around the world pay large fees to see a man stare at them who claims to have no special powers at all. On the other hand, his website warns that:

• Pregnant women are not allowed to attend after their third month of pregnancy due to the intensity of the energy.

• People with illnesses are advised to follow the recommendation of their doctor before and after attending a gazing session.

So, according to his own website, Braco claims to have no power, but may cause complications in pregnancy, or disease. This individual is richer than everyone you or I know put together.

He is an inspiration to us all.

Spam callers keep arguing with me :(

A spam caller just called to ask if I was my dad. I told him no, and THE FUCKER ARGUED WITH ME. He said "you SOUND like Mr. Bastard". When did Poirot get a job at a call centre?

This isn't the first time this has happened either. Another caller went through a checklist of family members before asking, triumphantly, "are you a robber in the house?" Busted.

Are spam callers bullying anyone else? Are they going to take my lunch money over the phone? Are these people deranged? I don't know. Are we witnessing an escalation of rage in society? Did I deserve it? What's going on? Leave a comment (on the Samaritans' voicemail).

Update: it is happening again.

The Thinking Barbarian 3: Think Harder

Click on image to view.