Movie Who Cares Presents: The IntruderÜø¿×É»Ö{ê─×¢¥┐└┴♠◙♂•◘♣♦♥♫3☼

The Intruder is a movie about everybody dying in a supermarket. Despite this, it is slightly more good than depressing.

I may be a grave robber, but at least I don't work here.

The movie starts out documenting the shenanigans of the aforementioned store's employees. It's night, and the last few shoppers are going home. We get some nice POVs from their trolleys, which might make you wonder: why? and huh? 

You'll never live like common people. You'll never do whatever common people do.

Then an old man tries to buy some shit, but everything falls out the bottom of his paper bag, which is a metaphor for life.

Aw, darnit! First World War 1 and now this.

Sadly, the plot then kicks in, as our heroine is menaced by a mullet, and her ex boyfriend, who is wearing it:

Ladies, take heart: if you were born after 1972, you didn't date this guy.

The mullet gets in a big fight with everyone, and runs off into the store, instigating a sequence in which the staff try to hunt him down, Alien-style, which is reasonable when dealing with the pathologically bemulletted. This would be enough plot for the rest of the movie, but we're not so lucky.

Die Hard with a Mullet.

This isn't a very good movie, but it has a very unique and interesting visual style, which involves putting the camera inside things where a camera doesn't normally go. For example, here is a POV shot from inside a rotary phone:

Whose POV is it? Do the phones have gremlins? Sadly, this line of inquiry is never developed, like most of the characters.

Why is this shot framed like this? Are we looking at a mirror? Why? I picture the director jabbing his crazy fingers at the cast and yelling "dammit they're too up-and-down! Make them more sideways!", not because that's necessarily what happened, but because I'd like to think it is.

Say, do you think someone's going to get that through their face?

So anyway, long story short, someone starts butchering the cast. Is it the mullet? The store owner? Ted Raimi? Godzilla? Barbie? Does it matter? As befits these type of movies, the killer's motivation, when revealed, makes absolutely fuck-all sense, but the actor gives one of the gurningest, most gleefully batshit insane performances ever seen outside my special ed class.

The main thing about this movie is the way the supermarket location is used. People go up and down the meat conveyor, the killer chases the final girl over the tops of the checkout counters, and they all play bumper cars in the trolleys (well, not really, but they might as well have). The slasher plot is kind of extraneous to the enjoyment of the movie, which centres on the fun of watching people get to wreak havoc in a supermarket. Just like in Dawn of the Dead and the greatest movie of all time: Career Opportunities. It was while writing this review that I decided all I really want in life is to trash a supermarket.

Get out while you can, Final Girl!!!

Body positivity: a srs movement for srs times.

Today I'd like to taek a minute of your time to talk about a very important aspect of modern faith called "body positivity". If you are like me (likely), you got this wrong, so here are some tips for you on things to avoid:

Apparently this is doing it wrong. Although intuitive, this expression of positivity toward a body is frowned upon among the body positivity community. It's important to be warned of this before you go digging up corpses to post to body positivity forums. Or not, whatever.

Bodies of work are also a no-no, as they would require reading to appreciate. NOT EVERYONE CAN READ, SHIT LORD.

Remember Jessica Biel (2003)? That was cool.

Apparently this is also doing it wrong. My mistake here was to be positive about someone's body that isn't hugely fat like Jabba the Hutt. Some people argue that this movement is as stupid as pro-ana (trolling kids by telling them to be anorexic), as it also causes the impressionable to recklessly damage their health while acting smug about it (at least, as smug as a great big giant fat blob can act). These people are wrong, for reasons noone understands, but everybody takes for granted.

Show your support for body positivity in the comments!!!

Everyone is stupid re Jeremy Clarkson.

As you know, I can't watch Top Gear anymore because the BBC threw all its toys out of its pram again. TV presenter Jeremy Clarkson has been "suspended" from the corporation for punching a guy and maybe saying naughty words again, unless he didn't. Every few weeks there's a story about Jeremy Clarkson going full retard, and every time it's about 20% true and 100% stupid. I've heard intelligent people seriously say that Jeremy Clarkson should be sacked, but one person who doesn't think so is the fucking producer he allegedly "punched", who retweeted the petition to reinstate him.

Oops.

The reason I'm busting out the "allegedly" is that all the stories about Jeremy Clarkson are systematically inflated and exaggerated because the news media want us all to think he's controversial, which he isn't. Only retards who read the Guardian and cycle (preferably at the same time) spaz out about Jeremy Clarkson. That's because the rest of us are grownups. Hey, remember when he said that people should be shot in front of their families? Except that it later turned out he was being sarcastic and making the opposite point.

Oops.

Jeremy Clarkson isn't controversial to real people, because we have real problems and things to worry about. Given that the petition to reinstate him is the fastest-growing ever in Change.org's history, it would seem that most people are more fed up with the BBC's histrionic bullshit than with Jeremy Clarkson, and for as long as we're paying the license fee, the BBC can shut the fuck up and do what we say. Maybe this wouldn't be such a pressing issue if the BBC had anything else worth watching.

Have a bastardly St Patrick's Day!

St Patrick's Day is by far the most important day of the year after Rare Disease Day and Houseplant Appreciation Day. It's the day when everyone celebrates the Patron Saint of Irishness, St Patrick O'McKilFitz. But do you know the real story behind the legend? I assume not, even though I don't know you.

St Patrick invented Ireland in around the 12th Century BC, on a dare. Another version of the story holds that he was tasked to invent it in order to populate Boston, Massachusetts, which is in the United States. Once a year, on St Patrick's Day, St Patrick flies around the world dispensing gifts made by his workshop full of leprechauns. Leprechauns make better gifts than elves, because they're magic. Every leprechaun is swag as fuck, because they all have a pot of gold that they keep at the end of their rainbows. This means they are well financed and can make dank memes for all the happy children.

Some historians contend that St Patrick was himself invented by the Irish, thus creating an infinite loop like in a time travel movie (all of them). This is true, because the Irish are not bound by the laws of the material world (Finnegan's Wake). What is known is that the Irish have the best luck in the world. This is because their history is one long, unbroken stretch of famine and Britbong oppression. Legend foretells that one day they will unleash the luck of the Irish, conquer the world, ushering in a new era of peace and enlightenment, and finally transcend into beings of pure energy.

How to speak Irish: a beginner's guide

1. Always greet Irish people with the phrase "how's your crack?" This is something all Irish people say to one another. It will get you loved.
2. Colm Ó Cíosóig: is the drummer from My Bloody Valentine. This is an excellent primer in Irish pronunciation: his name is pronounced "Charlie Bob". Note the accents on the "o"s.
3. Irish people do not say "top o' the morning". They used to, but now this is seen as a sure sign of a poser. The real Irish now say "Y'AI 'NG'NGAH, YOG-SOTHOTH H'EE-L'GEB F'AI THRODOG UAAAH".

If you follow these simple steps, you will be welcomed with open arms. Happy St Patrick's Day!!!

Log lines for your consideration

Here are fourteen log lines for your consideration.

1. A lazy rabbit discovers the meaning of love when disco comes to his warren.
2. A gay truck driver discovers the meaning of hope when he picks up a hitchhiker with Parkinson's disease.
3. An obese ice sculptor discovers the meaning of ennui when she wakes up in an abandoned hospital.
4. An alcoholic body builder discovers the meaning of confusion when her country is invaded by the Huns.
5. A one-legged frog discovers the meaning of reconciliation when he rescues the President of France from his swamp.
6. An insomniac paralympian discovers the meaning of Doritos when he sells out for an endorsement deal.
7. A tall midget discovers the meaning of identity when passing for a regular-sized person gets him taken hostage during a bank heist.
8. A pair of Lebanese Siamese twins discover the meaning of family when an anvil falls on one of them at a construction site.
9. An unrepentant model discovers the meaning of trolling when she argues with creationists until four in the morning.
10. A homicidal waitress discovers the meaning of service with a smile when she receives a large tip from a blind pig farmer.
11. A third-world dictator discovers the meaning of Christmas when she stops passing for gay but everyone accepts her anyway.
12. A misanthropic tuna fish discovers the meaning of life when Jesus goes for a swim.
13. A sergeant major in the Lithuanian army discovers the meaning of growing up when it's revealed his parents used to molest the mailman.
14. A hedonistic fire eater discovers the meaning of "quixotic" during an encounter with an anthropomorphic dictionary.

Did you like my log lines??? Feel free to use them, but you have to credit me if when you win all kinds of awards.

Thank God It's Friday The 13th: Prophets of Doom!!!

Friday the 13th isn't just a special day for Jason. It's also a day when prophets of doom bemoan his coming. Contrary to popular belief, you can't just slap a goalie mask on someone and film him stalking through the woods and call it a day. A much neglected staple of the Friday The 13th magic is the prophet of doom character archetype, invariably a staring bug-eyed crazypants loon who warns our hapless camp counsellors to stay away from Camp Blood. I'm going to be making the case that these are integral to the series' success, because they appear in two of the best films (1 and 2), and the most hilarious (8). This contains spoilers for the all the Friday The 13th movies, such as the fact that Camp Crystal Lake is jinxed.

Crazy Ralph!!!

"You're doomed! You're all doomed! It's got a death curse!" - Ralph, ad nauseum.

Oddly enough, he talks the most sense out of anyone in the whole series.

Crazy Ralph is the best character ever in movies. He is a "Messenger of God" who spends his days when he's not locked up as the town drunk trying to warn teenagers not to go to Camp Blood, which they always do. He shows up randomly in a closet or something in the camp, where he may or may not have been waiting for hours to be discovered just so he could dramatically proclaim everyone doomed (again). When everyone reacts the way you'd expect them to, he gets on his bike and cycles off, turning to stare at them as he goes. Ralph was one of only two characters to survive the original movie, only to get snuffed in Part 2.

Crazy Ralph is the best character ever. He makes me happy when I watch the movies, which is often, for I am a child. What I like best about Crazy Ralph is the resigned way everyone in the town deals with him. It's easy to imagine daily life in Crystal Lake as a sitcom where Crazy Ralph is always getting in some mischief with his crazy ways. Ralph gave that little something special to the series, and it never quite recovered from the loss of him.

Eyeball Guy!!!

"I found this today!" - Eyeball Guy

Eyeball sold separately.

Transparently brought in for Part 3 to replace the late C. Ralph, Eyeball Guy steps up the madness by first sleeping in the road, and when woken enquiring if he's in Heaven. He's probably also a Messenger of God, Whom he believes has revealed His purpose to him in the form of an eyeball he "found" - although he also lets slip there were other body parts, so I guess he probably just dug it out of one of Jason's earlier victims, or perhaps a corpse he dug up. Sadly, unlike Ralph, Eyeball Guy never got to reprise his role, which means he's probably still hanging around Crystal Lake waving dismembered body parts in people's faces to warn them from going to the lake. To be fair to him, this would totally convince me to get out of Dodge, so who knows? Maybe he's saved thousands of lives offscreen.

This guy!!!

"This voyage is doomed!" - This guy.
"Yeah, tell me about it" - some kid, in re: the above.

As he is gainfully employed, this character is a prime example of doing it wrong.

Jason Takes Manhattan half-assedly revived the grand tradition of the harbingers of doom after an absence of four movies. This time our Discount Cassandra is a deckhand on the good ship Lazarus, which carries Jason all the way to New York (Toronto).

Despite seemingly knowing Jason is onboard and killing everyone, this guy doesn't really tell anyone or do anything to stop it. He does, however, barge into the cabin after the captain gets whacked, tells the douche professor that it's Jason, and when called on his craziness, declares "you're the one who's insane", and runs off. He delivers it precisely as a "NO U", which makes me spit out my drink. This guy is so half-assed I think they threw him in at the last minute just to pad the film a little.

Which is your favourite prophet of doom???? Why would anyone stay at a place called Camp Blood anyway??????? Friday the 13th!!!!!!!!

Bastard role models: Dave Wyndorf

You're looking for the one who fucked your mom? It's not him.

Dave Wyndorf is the guy from Monster Magnet. Monster Magnet is so rad. Dave Wyndorf can wear sunglasses all the time, even though he's from New Jersey. Dave Wyndorf reminds us of a better time (the 90s), when everyone looked like The Dude and no one gave a shit. Dave Wyndorf shares a habit of taking his cues from Marvel Comics characters with fellow bastard role model Dr Octagon. He coined the phrase "what would MODOK do?" (WWMODOKD), and really, this is a very good question. Remember when comics didn't suck (the 60s)? Me neither. Not because I'm not that old, but because I got Alzheimer's.

Monster Magnet videos were also very good. They looked like music videos back in the days when rock bands could afford to make real videos, instead of standing in a warehouse or a hipster bar in ironic suits. Monster Magnet rules a bit.

Dave Wyndorf is my role model because he doesn't afraid of anything. He likes to write about drugs, not going in to work ("Powertrip"), and being based as shit: "I cut off my own head/I don't need it where I'm going". Like everything in the 80s was repurposed from the 50s, so everything in the 90s was repurposed from the 70s, and Monster Magnet is no exception, because it's Sabbath plus Hawkwind plus a bunch of trippy-ass Marvel retro cosmic superwank. Dave Wyndorf's lyrics capture a very specific type of person: the indolent intellectual who crashes planets into one another while he lies on the floor in a bedroom full of Heavy Metal magazine posters, weed paraphernalia, and UFOs. I'm sure everyone in the 70s and 90s was like this, and it was awesome.

Movie Prom Night Presents: Prom Night II: Hello Mary Lou.

Instead of the sequel to Prom Night its title might presumptively imply, Hello Mary Lou is a terrible, low budget Carrie ripoff starring Michael Ironside of Starship Troopers fame. What it lacks in...everything, it makes up for in batfuck insanity.

In 1957, Mary Lou Maloney is accidentally burned to death when a stink bomb sets her on fire at prom. Flash forward to...the 80s (like I can be bothered to remember the year), and the guy responsible is now the principal, which means the local police force must have attributed Mary Lou's death to spontaneous combustion. Being a cop: like having a job, but without doing any work, ever.

"The potato: nature's perfect vegetable" - this weird fuck.

So now Vicki, a shy girl from a crazy-religious family, is on the shortlist for prom queen, alongside bitchy Kelly. Her mother won't let her buy a new dress because of the Devil, or something, so she goes looking in the school's storage rooms. Here she finds an old trunk that, once opened, releases the vengeful spirit of Mary Lou. Why? What does the trunk have to do with Mary Lou? Did the principal know it would have this effect? If so, why did he leave the trunk at the school, where anyone could open it? If you asked any of these questions, you care way more about this script than the writer.

In the 80s, dressing like a pirate at school was considered normal.

So anyways, Mary Lou proceeds to whack this chick with the huge afro and fashion style I can't even begin to place at any point in history. Why? See above answer. She then possesses Vicki, who shows her transformation by listening to 50s rock and roll music and saying Mary Lou's catchphrase, "see you later, alligator". For reasons unclear to science, her friends take this as evidence of her absolute evil, prompting one of the finest kills in movie history.

First, the possessed Vicki gets into the shower, naked, with her friend Monica. Unlike listening to a 50s song once, this behaviour doesn't seem to ring any alarm bells. Only when Vicki starts kissing her does Monica freak the fuck out and go to hide in a locker. Now your typical slasher would go through each locker individually, in an effort to build suspense. But Mary Lou don't got time for that. Instead, she crushes the lockers in on themselves, pulping Monica*.

The lesson is, always lez out.

Though this is by far the high point of the movie, it's not even nearly the most randomly bizarre. That honour has to go to the creepy-ass rocking horse in Vicki's room. For really no reason at all, its eyes start glowing and it grows a tongue. Which Mary Lou Vicki later starts to play with. Now it's been established that Mary Lou doesn't distinguish her perpetual hard-on between boys and girls alike, but are we to believe she's into horses too?

It's a real nightMARE. 4 srs tho.

Another gem is when the priest delivers this garbled nonsense at a funeral:

"And let the violence of her passing remind us of the dangers of the violence we see so much of everyday, in our streets and on our televisions, and movies."

This is such an inappropriate and inexplicable thing to say to, presumably, someone's surviving loved ones that it makes me kek till I cry. This movie isn't a comedy, but it should be.

There's basically no point watching after the locker death, because the whole third act is just Carrie, but worse. Still, if you're offered the choice of watching this or, say, getting your tongue tasered, it's probably the better option.

*Pulping Monica is my new band name.

Nothing is good anymore.

I was looking over trailers for upcoming movies recently, and I realised that an important strain or permutation of the filmic form has died: the good ones. I don't want to see anything that's coming out this year. Looking at everything else there is to do, I noticed the same trend: there are no comics I want to read, no paintings I want to look at, and no games I can afford (because I am a hobo).

I need the hype machine to tell me which show is the next Breaking Bad, and even then I won't watch it until it has enough episodes for me to binge. I've given serious thought to leaving my house and taking a walk in the park or something.

I think the reason everything sucks now is that everything is so politicised and fashion-conscious, and is greenlit by coked-up psychopaths who won't take risks because if they don't make enough profit they won't be able to buy a third helicopter, and then they'd have to make do with two.

It's possible that everything good has already been made, in which case all we need to do is mine the good stuff out of the past, until someone gets a new idea, if possible. That would make me so happy I'd blink.