Doctor Bastard: now a major You Tube creepypasta reading with a cast of thousands

Doctor Bastard is now available to make house calls in video format.

The original pasta can be found here on this very blogge.

Bastard Role Models: Inky the Octopus

I hope and trust you've all caught up with the most important story of recent times. No, not Lying Ted Cruz stealing Colorado from The Once And Future Don; I'm talking about Inky the Octopus and his daring escape from captivity to rejoin the ocean.

Inky's in your cereal.

Inky is a better role model than 99% of people. More impressively, he's a better role model than 99% of fictional characters. Take the movie Finding Nemo, for example. Nemo, like Inky, gets caught and put in captivity. But Nemo needs his father and mentally special sidekick Dory to come get him.

Not Inky.

Inky's escape makes The Great Escape and Shaw Shank Redemption look like child's play. Moreover, they make whatever you're doing with your life look like Seed of Chucky. Could you squeeze your whole body through a 6-inch pipe? You can't even keep up going to the gym, you fat fuck.

Inky f'taghn!

Nightcrawler is a great movie.

If you haven't watched Nightcrawler, but have watched anything else from the last several years, you should be banned from cinemas because you have shit taste. Nightcrawler is a great movie about how utterly morally bankrupt the media is. It stars Jake Gyllenhaaal as creepy fuck Lou, a petty thief whose skill set translates perfectly to the job of filming crime scenes and related human misery for profit. His character is like the Gawker of movie characters, except much more likeable and less evil.

Lou takes inspiration from online business courses and enlists Rick, a halfwit who needs the money, to help him navigate around LA looking for scenes of violence and destruction. As the film rolls on, he pushes the limits further and further by moving around bits of stuff, including bodies, to get better footage, and ultimately semi-staging the news so he can record it. As someone that's done TV shit, I know people like that are out there. Given how brazenly "journalists" sneer at the very concept of ethics, it's not even surprising that people like this prosper in this industry.

Since everyone in the media is a lying, evil, amoral, deceitful scumbag, you would think the character would not be very likeable, and apparently this was true for many people when the movie came out. A lot of people's reactions to this film were basically "it's bad because he is a bad man", by which rationale Citizen Kane, Breaking Bad, The Sopranos, A Clockwork Orange, and basically everything worth watching sucks. I can't relate to those people, and I suspect they're not really human.

Anyway, Jake Gyllenhaaaaaaaaaaaaal and Rene Russo are both really good in it and you should see it if you like movies with dysfunctional protagonists like Taxi Driver, King of Comedy, Super, and Paul Blart Mall Cop.

Happy April Fool's Day!

April Fool's Day is an ancient tradition in which people fuck with one another in the most mean-spirited ways possible. It is like every other day, except that when you get found out, you can plaster on a shit-eating grin and say "Aaapril Foool's!" and everyone will laugh despite the blood and tears.

You might think that April Fool's Day would be right up my alley, as I am a thoroughly despicable person. That's not a very nice thing to think though. It's judgemental, and that makes you as bad as me, if not worse. Probably worse, actually, because you're a good person. You should know better.

Everyone with horrible friends will of course be on the lookout for the pranksters and vagabonds among their ranks, and some friends employ a strategy of mutually assured destruction to ensure that any pranking going on will be met with excessive retaliation and the probable dissolution of the, in any case, inexplicable friendship.

This provides a good opportunity for you to exploit as a third party. Say you have a friend who has a friend you hate. You can frame the hated party for a prank on your good buddy, causing them to go to war and end their friendship. Be creative.

Another thing you can do is not prank people all April Fool's Day for years, making you look like a saint, and then offload with great brutality one year when nobody expects it. Note, however, that this will result in a loss of trust, so only do it when you've grown bored of your current circle of friends.

I was going to review the great slasher movie April Fool's Day (not the remake, of course), but I didn't because I was busy. Slaughter High is also set on April Fool's Day and invokes the Britbong tradition by which it runs out at midday. Remember this if you are ever in Bongesia, because if someone pranks you after midday the joke is on them, even though the tar and feathers may be on you.