The British rail network is a joke.

Video: a train recently leaking. Britain confirmed for third world country.

The rail network in Britbongistan is the oldest in the world and runs like it hasn't been updated since. Delays of anything from half an hour to several hours are considered normal, carriages are generally overcrowded, and there's always some old hag reading the Daily Mail. It's getting so bad that this generation of Britbongs don't even know simple rules of Bongish etiquette, like never sit next to or opposite someone. When I were a lad (I were never a lad), up to two thirds of a carriage's inhabitants would stand to avoid the terrible awkwardness of sitting next to someone. Diagonal was acceptable, but still frowned on, as it should be.

I was at a station recently where we weren't sure which of two late trains would arrive first, and on which platform. When we asked a worker which way we should gamble, she said "stay at the top of the stairs, and whichever one gets in first, run for it".

Do you remember when people in the 20th Century thought the 21st would be like the Jetsons? But instead, it was like the Flintstones.

I think we should add up all the times trains are delayed, and for every twenty-four hours of delay-time, we should keel-haul Richard Branson behind one of his shit-ass trains for ten minutes. I think this would see a dramatic improvement, but the government has yet to reply to my letters :(

12 rebel flags too hot for public viewing!!!

Mad Max Ripoffs: The New Barbarians!!!

Mad Max and The Road Warrior were among the most important movies of the late 70s and early 80s, a golden age in which the trashy and the classy briefly merged, resulting in a slew of genre pictures that were way better than ever before, like Halloween, the Star Wars trilogy, and The Shining. What was trashy? What was classy? People were literally confused. But never fear, anxious reader!!! For based Italy stepped in to restore genre movies to their wonderfully crappy B-roots with a bunch of post-apocalyptic ripoffs. Possibly the most infamous was...The New Barbarians!!!

"Books. That's what started the whole apocalypse!" - actual dialogue

You can tell a lot about a movie by its first image, and this one opens with a bunch of dead bodies in hazmat suits. The first one has boob domes; it has domes for boobs.

For the exhibitionist hazmat enthusiast.

So the plot involves the Templars, a group that drives around killing people to "purify" the earth, and their enemy, Scorpion, who spends his time driving around in circles and engaging in periodic shootouts with a small child who acts as his mechanic. The boy uses a catapult, Dennis the Menace-style, and Scorpion uses his handgun, which is very responsible. At first I assumed he didn't know it was a child who was attacking him, but the dialogue confirms they know each other and do this all the time, so I guess post-apocalyptic Italy just has less of a taboo about shooting at kids.

The Templars want to kill Scorpion, but they're not that fussed about it, as several scenes of conflict end with them pulling up next to each other, exchanging a few words, and then driving off like nothing happened.

"lol don't worry about this bad guy. We'll get him next week"

Along the way, Scorpion rescues a big-haired woman and is in turn rescued repeatedly (but very slowly) by a guy named Nadir, who dresses like a cross between a samurai and pimp, and is obsessed with being "the best", presumably to spite the parents who gave him a name that means "the worst".

The kid, the Templars and Nadir all know Scorpion, and it sort of seems like everyone just follows him around for want of anything better to do. No one really likes him, especially Nadir, who, on finding Scorpion being dragged behind a procession of Templars, very slowly shoots each one of them in turn, saving the one doing the dragging for last. Thanks, Nadir!

Nadir poses with Scorpion's car. Note the glowing green dome screaming "here I am" in a hostile wilderness.

There's also a completely inexplicable scene where the main Templar, Juan, apparently rapes Scorpion, except the way it's edited it kind of looks like he never removed his crotch piece, meaning he just awkwardly dry-humped Scorpion in front of all his minions.

You should definitely see The New Barbarians, because it's stupid and awesome. The movie also has a great moral that I can totally get behind:

"The more of a bastard you are, the surer you are to win" - the wisdom of a child

Post-apocalypse checklist:

MOHAWKS: one, purple.

SHOULDER PADS: all the Templars and Nadir have them.

CUSTOM CARS: Scorpion's has a detachable driver-side door, extendable drill, dome that lights up green at night, and rocket launcher in the boot. The Templars' have extendable whirring blades, drills and flamethrowers.

MUTANTS: some scavengers look like they might be.

GOGGLES: Big Hair has a fuckhueg red-tinted pair, for great justice.

TOTAL: 5/5 - totally post-apocalyptic.

Blunt Force Troma: Graduation Day!!!

Troma is great and slasher movies are great, so how great must a Troma slasher movie be? Well, the director's name is Herb Freed, perhaps in honour of 4/20. The killer stabs someone with a football-on-a-sword, for no fucking reason. And it features one of my favourite, and the stupidest, kills of all time.

Gaze into the armpit of terror.

So Graduation Day opens with a runner at a high school sporting event. She wins her race but keels over at the finish line. The film then cuts back and forth between her boyfriend cradling her dead body and the crowd watching about fifty billion times, perhaps because the editor had freed some herb that morning. We're then introduced to the runner's sister and Final Girl, who's returned home from the Navy just in time for Graduation Day, even though she doesn't go to school and her deceased sister presumably isn't graduating anymore.

The plot involves someone killing off members of the sports team, prefiguring all-time classic Night of the Dribbler, which is a real movie. Who is the killer? Could it be the coach who pushes his athletes to the limit? The principal who's boinking his secretary? Linnea Quigley? Yes, Linnea Quigley is in this movie, replacing some other actress who appears in early scenes they never bothered to reshoot. Or could it be...roller disco?

mfw no roller disco at my graduation: :{

Despite being a roller disco, this scene revolves around a band who wear fedoras and makeup and sing interminably about "The Gangster Rock". The whole scene seems like an attempt to one-up the flamboyant gayness of Prom Night, and it almost comes close.

The saddest thing about this movie is that the killer barely gets to do his own shtick at all before being discovered. He wears a fencing mask and carries a sword, but we only really see him once, carving up a couple of victims outside the roller disco. He hops out from some trees and does this hilarious little dance where he hops from one foot to the other before charging after his prospective mark. I think this guy and Prom Night guy should have a movie of their own, like Freddy Vs Jason.

come back I want to sword you

But the real high point of Graduation Day is a kill so dumb it makes sitting through all seven and a half minutes of "Gangster Rock" seem worth it. One of the last surviving members of the track team, seemingly oblivious to both the murders and the fact it's Graduation Day, goes out by himself to practise his pole vault. The pole hits the floor and we hear a scream, as it's revealed that he's pole vaulted onto a bed of spikes:

Right in the knee.

I love this kill so much I want it to be in every horror movie, even the classy ones like The Shining. How did the killer know this guy would be here on this of all days, and that no one else would be? Where did he get the spikes? Maybe he didn't know, and just put spikes everywhere he thought the team were likely to go: their lockers, the showers, even the track itself. What's even better about this scene is that it comes out of nowhere and is never remarked upon. Ah, Graduation Day killer, you were taken from us too soon.

Academia is carving out new frontiers in flimflam and chicanery.

Have Hugh ever wondered how to write an academic paper? What with the vertiginous standards of contemporary writing out there, no one would blame you for feeling intimidated out of it:

Real.

As you can see, this is real cutting-edge stuff. But don't be discouraged: with a bit of coaching, you too can write important essays on identity cults and the narcissists who love them. Follow these six simple steps to ensure your intellectual prolapse will pass for the real thing.

• Add "-ness" to words that don't end in -ness. Examples could include "unknowableness" or  even "being-ness". "Otherness" is a must.
• Always remember to pluralise words that don't need to be plural, in such a way as to imply that there are subtle differences within and around a concept that only you can understand. For example, never speak of "postmodernism" but "postmodernisms". Use this even with collective terms like "public" (publics). If you combine this with the above tactic, you score a combo which is worth at least 1000 ticks. Be sure to write about "Blacknesses" and "subjectivenesses" for mad approval.
• Find someone who is different from you and accuse them of "othering" you (or the minority you purport to speak for, if you're feeling in the mood for condescending to yet another group that are unlike you). If you do this quickly and stridently enough, nobody will notice that you are the only one "othering" people by bringing up irrelevant details about them like their sex or hair colour.
• Make sure to "reclaim" words like "bitch" and "queer" so you can pretend to be rebellious while getting headpats from a quintessentially establishment institution. I remember when I first learned that "queer theory" was used by professionals. You might as well call it "bumming studies". Troll academics by pointing out that this is cultural appropriation of black people, who invented reclaiming so they would have something to rhyme with trigger in their rap songs.
• Never write in the first person, as this makes it too obvious that everything you're saying is your unexamined left-lib prejudices. Instead of removing your ass-ignorant worldview from your writing, just remove all references to "I", "me" and "mine" (this is what academics actually teach).
• Astute readers will note that all this stuff relates to form and style. This is because the substance of academic writing ceased to be important in, like, probably the 50s. No one cares, for instance, that Hamlet is all about Shakespear's Sister's depression over their dead son, the decline of empire, and the existential horror of not knowing what comes after death. Is Hamlet gay? Does he exhibit othernesses? Academia demands to know.

If you but follow these few steps, you'll soon be well on your way to balding, supercilious glory.

In defence of hair metal

In this article I struggle to articulate why, contrary to everything you've been told, hair metal is great and people who don't like it are communists. For the purposes of our article "hair metal" includes glam metal, sleaze rock, hard rock, and anything else I want it to, because it's all the same thing.

Lita Ford, or Sebastian Bach. Pic by Zoran Veselinovic.

1. Hair metal gives you priapism. Priapism is when you have a boner that lasts longer than nature or common sense would ordinarily allow. Exhibit A are these lyrics from Dangerous Toys:

Sport'n a woody, when you're walkin' by

Sport'n a woody, when your titties fly

Sport'n a woody, rippin' my fly

Sport'n a woody, till the day I die

As you can see, in addition to some of the most beautiful poetry ever committed to song, this represents an enormously long time to be presenting with a hardon. Note that the title is "Sport'n a Woody", because hair metal loves the -'n formation. You wouldn't want to write "Sporting a Woody" and look stupid now, would you?

2. Hair metal bands know no fear. Not only does Mötley Crüe routinely shout at the Devil, but Dokken actually scares Freddy Krueger. Nikki Sixx is mostly famous for dying of a heroin overdose, waking up, and going home to shoot more heroin.

3. Everyone had to be hair metal in the 1980s, including classic rock acts like Aerosmith and Alice Cooper. This means that if Jim Morrison had survived longer than is cool, he would have sprayed his hair and sung about dicks. I think we can agree this is definitely something that should have happened. Furthermore, "bad ass" 90s metal bands like Pantera and Alice in Chains used to be hair metal before their big breaks, generating endless lulz.

4. Also called "cock rock". Bands included Cycle Sluts From Hell and Faster Pussycat, and Danger Danger, all of whose songs had repeated one-word titles, like "Bang Bang" and "Dicks Dicks" (maybe).

5. Gave the PMRC (sort of the 80s version of SocJus) fainting spells over their lyrics. Dee Snyder hilariously trolled the retards by revealing that the song they thought was about sexual torture was about a trip to the dentist, giving us a good idea of how stupid the people presently whining about video games are going to look in a few years' time.

What's your favourite hair metal band??? Does it matter??? If a train leaves the station travelling at 45 degrees, how long does it take for Suresh to find x???

Grammar is the only field in which competence makes you a Nazi.

If you posted an incorrect math problem and somebody corrected you, would you call them a math Nazi? Probably not. Why the indelible connection between writing properly and national socialism? Can anyone help me? No.

Lawson sucks.

Are Mini Boglins the best toy of all?

When I go into a high street toyshop these days all I see are licensed toys: Star Wars Lego and Dora The Explorer Putty and Transformers Transformers. BOO. Forget all that, for in the late 80s and early 90s there was a much better toyline: Mini Boglins.

If my house were on fire, I'd save these first.

"Long ago the Boglins used to live in the Swamp but when the swamp dried up the Boglins had to find a new place to live"

- the official backstory

As you can tell the Boglins lore was artfully minimalistic, just like the rules. Every Boglin tribe was organised into a chief, spy, scout and messenger, as well as four regular Boglins. None of these sets came with the rules though. Some of the Mini Boglins had little stickers on their underside with secret codes that would show up when heated. Unfortunately heating them would also cause them to come off, and none of my surviving Boglins have their codes anymore :( It seems likely that the rules will be forever lost to future generations.

Chiefs were denoted by three horns on their heads. Who would entrust leadership to a guy repeatedly hitting his finger with a hammer? Boglins, that's who.

Tribes included:

• The Clumsies
• The Freaks
• The Greedies
• The Jokers
• The Rude Dudes
• The Tough Guys
• The Disgustings
• The Army Guys
• The Medievals
• The Prehistorics
• The Samurais

Each tribe lived in a different part of the house, like the chimney, or the drains. Further information can be found here.

The tribe I had the most of were the Clumsies, which I think explains my tendency to root for underdogs. Either that, or why I trip over thin air.

Army Guys got the garage, probably because they killed everybody else...

...Except this guy, who killed himself. Hey, kids have to learn about suicide before they find their dad swinging from the fixtures.

Mini Boglins were of course a spinoff of Boglins. I only had one large-sized Boglin, of the kind whose eyes pop out when you squeeze him. The larger Boglins came in plastic cages. I would have included a picture but I can't find him. And that, my friends, is about what you can expect of me.

This small (but not Mini) Boglin lost an eye, so I found another toy to share one with him.

There were others too, including these relatively rare, smaller ones.

I think they were "The Cool Dudes". Everything in the late 80s/90s involved "cool", "dudes" and sunglasses.

But no Boglin article would be complete without the greatest Boglin of all, from the Prehistoric tribe:

In back: a Boglin about to make an unwise decision.

Do you have any Boglins that I'm missing??? Are Boglins ur lief??? Have you ever written to Mattel demanding they produce moar Boglins or you'll top yourself??? That's probably taking it too far!!!

Blunt Force Troma: A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell!!!

Everyone loves Troma, the studio that brought you such all-time classics as The Toxic Avenger, Surf Nazis Must Die, and the tender Tromeo and Juliet. Well, come with me and I shall take you on a journey to the far future of the Tromaverse. Yes, despite being populated by dinosaurs, A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell is actually set in a post-nuclear future, like a much lower-budget Mad Max meets The Valley of Gwangi.

An appropriate response to everything in this movie.

Some questions may inevitably arise, like "what's a nymphoid?" and "what's going on?" Well, dear reader, let me advise you to leave such dreams of enlightenment in the dust where they belong. You'll never find out because there's virtually no dialogue. Fortunately, the DVD in which I got this movie (along with seminal slasher movie Graduation Day, which I'll be getting to later), contains a trailer that elucidates the post-nuclear scenario, because I never would've guessed this wasn't meant to be some sort of prehistoric budget Hyboria.

The back of this box actually gives away the ending of Graduation Day, for even less value!!!

Perhaps the reason it was decided that the movie was set in the future is because the dinosaurs don't really look like anything in particular, and Lloyd Kaufman cares about nothing if not saving you the stress of worrying what species they're supposed to be (this sentence is literally true, because Lloyd Kaufman does not give a fuck).

This was the family dog before the war (srs).

A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell (a title you'll hear several times if you watch the trailer, which I advise you do because it's better than the film) stars "international cult heroine" Linda Corwin as Lea, the nymphoid barbarian of the title. When we meet her she's in the business of running around in a forest, because her family were killed in the war, and she woke up to find herself in Dinosaur Hell!!! IMDb reliably informs me that she's also credited as "Secondary Reptilian Goon", because this production was damned if it wasn't going to get full value for everyone it had to drag out there and feed. It also informs me the movie came out in 1990, which is a good couple of decades more recent than it looks.

Tromaville would come to regret spending its fallout shelter budget on a giant skull-faced castle. Note that the river in this shot is an effect, for no reason.

Anyway, Lea meets a guy named Marn, and because he's not deformed like everybody else, I guess that makes them a match made in Dinosaur Heaven. Marn spends most of the movie trying to save her from the evil, but inept Clon, with little success. She spends more time being rescued by a masked stranger (who perhaps not coincidentally resembles Toxie), and a giant sandworm out of Dune. There's also a man who reads "The Jabberwocky" and carries a gun, but he is of no consequence, and may just have wandered across the set while they were filming.

This movie is to 1 Million Years BC as Bizarro is to Superman: a weird, malformed imitation. The stop motion stuff is fun though. It's also fun to watch Clon bumble about losing limbs and getting brained all over the place. I don't recommend this movie to anyone, but it meets my criteria for notability, which is a wake-up call I shall choose to ignore as my body continues to decay.

The new citizenship test: how worthy are YOU to live near me?

I've decided to start a new country, because all the other ones have failed. Want to join me? You'll have to take the test, because I got here first. Despite not living here before, this test will gauge your knowledge of conditions in my new country, ensuring I'll have lots of space to myself.

Can jet fuel meet steel beams?

Hitler or Gacy: who is the better painter?

Arrange these fecal titles in descending order: shitlord, poop baron, crap count, dookie duke, diarrhoea admiral.

Which is better: And Now The Legacy Begins by Dream Warriors or Junior Citizen by Poster Children?

How many crows are in a mass murder?

If a cat is bicurious, does it die twice?

Who has bigger feet: Bigfoot or two Bigfoots?

Who wants to live in my country?

What I'm saying is, 90s music is best music. #lazy #padding #update

Bastard role models: Lee Ving

Lee Ving was the lead singer in Fear. Fear is a band about beer and hating people. Fear is awesome. They have such varied and interesting material as "Let's Have a War", "Fuck Christmas", and my personal favourite, "New York's Alright If You Like Saxophones".

Fear probably laid the groundwork for such sonic pioneers as Anal Cunt, and such intrepid bloggists as Pat Bastard and the Spurious 5. Everyone likes Fear.

Go away.

Sweet Dreams: 13 Facts About Freddy!!!

Everyone knows Jason, the lovable murderer from the Friday the 13th films. But how well do you know his fellow horror movie icon, Freddy Krueger? Freddy has been around since 1984's classic A Nightmare on Elm Street, and has amassed an enviable amount of trivia to his own name. Here is some of it:

1. Freddy was a child murderer who was burned alive after being freed on a technicality. So little of a fuck did Freddy give that he turned up to his own trial in a Christmas sweater.
   
2. The number of Freddy's child murder victims is unknown. Nancy's mom and Lisa from Part 2 both said it was around 20, while Alice in Part 5 said "20 or 30", and Freddy himself in Freddy Vs Jason claimed it was "dozens". Freddy loves killing children so much he invented a working glove of knives just to kill children with.
3. Freddy had an ice cream float he presumably used to get close to his victims, as seen in the pilot of Freddy's Nightmares. Apparently no one else at the factory where he worked thought this was strange.
   
4. Freddy can kill you in your dreams. To give the series some variety, this was extended to include things like daydreams and the dreams of your unborn child (Parts 4 and 5, respectively). He can also possess people (Part 2, Freddy Vs Jason), and reanimate his bones in the real world to fight you like the skeletons in Jason and the Argonauts. HE CAN ALSO MAKE YOUR PARAKEET EXPLODE.
   
5. Freddy, like Jason, can only be killed by whatever arbitrary plot bullshit is required to end the movie. However, unlike Jason, he is not brought back by electricity, but by flaming dog piss.
   
6. Freddy once appeared on the Dick Cavett show and killed Zsa Zsa Gabor (Part 3).
   
7. Freddy, like the Joker, likes to dress up as a nurse just to fuck with people.
   
8. As the series degenerated into self-parody, Freddy started breaking the fourth wall and addressing the audience directly, indicating that he knows he's in a movie. This explains how he was able to come out of the movies and attack the cast and crew in the real world in Wes Craven's New Nightmare.
9. Parts 1, 3 and 7 are actually good movies.
10. The souls of Freddy's victims become trapped inside his body. Part 4 revealed these souls to include Linnea Quigley, of Return of the Living Dead, Graduation Day, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Night of the Demons, Scream Queen Hot Tub Party, Silent Night Deadly Night, and Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama.
    
11. Freddy Krueger is the only person who can still pull off wearing a fedora without looking like a douche.
12. Pulling Freddy out of your dream will depower him and make him killable, except for all the times when it just doesn't, which is always. This is possibly because the whole series is one big dream, and Freddy is just trolling everybody the entire time.
13. This blackboard from Freddy's Dead appears to confirm that Freddy did the Third Reich, discovered America, fought in the War of 1812, killed Elvis, and prevented the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, confirming him for time travel as well as everything above. This makes about as much sense as anything else in Freddy's Dead.
    

Did you enjoy learning all about this important historical figure??? Do u crie every time??? Let me know in the comments (don't).

My predictions for the new Star Wars movie!!!!

Hello everyone!!! It's me, your favourite bastard!!! Today I will be talking about a very important news topic: the new Star Wars trailer!!!! This is important because lots of people like The Star Wars, even though it hasn't been good since 1983, when I was six!!!!!

When the first teaser trailer was revealed, in 1987, scary people who think they're going to marry Chewbacca or something dumb like that got super excited because the trailer had storm troopers in it, which is like watching the trailer for The Harry Potter and being excited that it has wizards in it, except stupider. Also some guy had a light sabre with a cross guard. I think his name was Darth Toyline.

The reason sequels to movies from 2000 years ago don't work is cause you finished the arc. Luke Sky Walker's arc concluded in Episode 8, when he fucking killed Darth Vader. Han Solo's arc killed all those Nazis. Carrie Fisher got into meth or something. There's no story left to tell. Mad Max completed his arc in Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior, where he found redemption and a sense of purpose by killing gay bondage pirates. That's why The Thunder Dome was such a disappointment that I tried to hang myself (it didn't work: security asked me to leave the mall). By the way, I hope The Mad Max 4: The Fury Road doesn't suck!!!!!

The other reason The Star Wars Episode 4: The The Force Awakens is going to be rubbish is because it's made by JJ Abrams, who is a very talented filmmaker who turned The Star Trek from a utopian fable about people of all races pioneering across the universe into The Die Hard 4: Ugly Lighting, Too Many Closeups, Lens Flare And Pandering. In case you don't remember, that was the movie where Captain Kirk meets Dr Spock by running into a random ice cave.

Suzy Snakebite Vs The Thinking Barbarian

Click to expand

Strength of mind is best strength.

Which is the gheyest politically correct term?

Hi everybody. My favourite politically correct term is "differently abled". This is a good and accurate term for people in wheelchairs: look at Professor X, he can read minds.

But not all politically correct terms are as on point as this. Take for example the term "people of colour". This is quite obviously just the old racist term "coloured people", they just changed the order of the words around. This is like calling a gay guy a "person of faggotry". I think politically correct people don't realise that that's how stupid that is, because their orthodoxy has eroded their brains like Creme Eggs erode teeth. Creme Eggs must only be eaten frozen. Put them in the freezer, they taste better. Be careful though: they may chip your teeth if you bite down on them like a dummy.

Sometimes "people of colour" is shortened to "POC", because nothing encapsulates respect for peoples' unique cultures and heritage like lumping them all in a homogeneous mass of not-whiteyness, and then reducing them to an acronym. If politically correct people were in charge of Hallmark, your happy retirement card would read "you're going to die soon", and they'd spend your retirement party bringing it up to everyone to tell them not to bring it up.

If this dystopia ever ends, history will look back on political correctness as a long, unbroken string of idiots shooting themselves in the foot for no reason, by first declaring pre-established terminology offensive, and then replacing it with something even worse, while the rest of us sat around wondering why you would need to invent ugly euphemisms for human beings in the first place.

Movie X Presents: Prom Night 3: The Last Kiss?

Prom Night 3 breaks series tradition by being a real sequel to the previous film! Luckily order was restored with Part 4, which once again had nothing to do with any of the others*. But for a brief, shining moment, this series flirted with continuity, and the result was Prom Night 3: The Last Kiss.

Mere fire cannot defeat Mary Lou's eyebrows.

The movie starts with Mary Lou Maloney, the villain of the previous film, trapped in "Bad Girl Hell", which is sort of a chorus line with dancers chained to the floor. Mary Lou escapes by breaking her shackles with a nail file, an excuse to bring her back so weak it makes Freddy Krueger's resurrection by flaming dog piss in The Dream Master seem well-thought-out. Mary Lou then kills a janitor with a jukebox, before setting her sights on our protagonist, Alex.

In a fit of almost reckless character development, Mary Lou is now looking to settle down, and her schtick evolves into a sort of Overly Attached Girlfriend thing with Alex. She kills everyone who is holding him back, enabling him to get good grades, excel at football, and become popular like never before. All he has to do is bury the bodies she leaves in her 50s-ass wake.

Lucy finds a new way to fuck with Charlie Brown.

While the first two Prom Nights tried to be like proper horror movies (with mixed success), Prom Night 3: The Last Kiss is a comedy from start to finish, like Rock And Roll High School with a body count. This allows Mary Lou, now played by the very charming Courtney Taylor, to cut loose with such hijinks as killing someone with a drill-shaped football (still not as good as the basketball head explosion in Deadly Friend), and impaling a guy's hands with ice cream cones. Even Jason never figured out a way to kill someone with those.

51 flavours...of death!!!

The incidental wackiness just makes this movie so adorable. There are throwaway gags delivered through the school's overhead announcements, quirky minor characters that keep things interesting, and bad acting of the best kind. It's the kind of movie that you know they knew was stupid when they made it, so they just had fun and it kind of wins you over.

Also starring the boom mic.

But by far the movie belongs to Courtney Taylor, whose Mary Lou is the most sadly overlooked of all the horror villains. While Part 2's Lisa Schrage played it straight, Taylor gives the character this kind of peppy, discount Audrey Horne quality that fits perfectly with her 50s retro schtick. I think Mary Lou is overdue a comeback. Do it, Canada.

*Don't watch Prom Night 4: Deliver Us From Evil. Despite having a cool title and the potentially lulzy idea of a priest being the killer, it's just boring bad, not funny bad.