Everyone loves ants too much.

We're always hearing about how ants can lift ten times their body weight...big deal. I can lift ten times an ant's body weight too. How come I don't get any credit?

Ant tossing an aphid's salad.

The only thing ants are good for is food. People in far distant countries squat at the opening of ant holes, pinch the heads of the ants, and eat them. Think about how long that must take: you would burn off more calories in the process of eating one ant than you would gain. People in these countries are getting fed up with ants' bullshit. I would be.

The Thinking Barbarian

Should walking lessons be mandatory from age 5?

No one walks right anymore. Did anybody ever? I don't know. When I go out in town everyone veers about like assholes. If they drove the way they walk, everyone would be dead.

I believe in mandatory walking lessons. If you don't have a walking license, you shouldn't be allowed on the streets. Walkers, like drivers, should learn when they can merge into a stream of foot-traffic, instead of charging right across it like a herd of cows. The penalty for walking without a license would be the classic Medieval correctional device they used in my old nursery: the stocks.

I'm amazed people are so bad at something they've all been doing since like two. Most walkers don't even check to the side before they change direction, making them even less coordinated than the average herd. Then there are the ones who stop dead in their tracks while they're in front of you, causing you to swerve wildly into another group of dead-eyed chumps.

Did I mention old people, who move slower than a snail in special ed? OK, they're old, their legs don't work so well anymore...so why do they have to advance in fucking echelon, like a phalanx in the army of slowing everybody down? Even worse are kids, and then for fun there's the occasional cyclist who took a wrong turn and is somehow powering through the early afternoon shopping crowds like the Angel of Death.

The only problem with having walking licenses is that you'd need more cops to enforce them, which means more jackasses in uniform harassing people in the streets. Instead of cops we could have gibbons. Gibbons would be fair and impartial. They always are to me.

Jack the Ripper identity leaked shock.

As you may have read over the past few days*, 19th Century hairdresser Jack the Ripper was recently outed as notorious murderer Aaron Kosminski. This story has been reported by over a billion news outlets worldwide (source). This raises important issues about Jack the Ripper's privacy. Some people are saying if he didn't want to get caught, he should never have jacked off on that shawl, and some are even going so far as saying he should never have murdered that hooker, but this is a clear cut case of blaming the victim. Doesn't Jack the Ripper have a right to privacy??? Pls answer!!!

Knowing that one of my childhood heroes wasn't a connected Freemason ninja/James Bond with a cool top hat but, in reality, was probably just a fucking mental barber from the East End who never showered and ate bread off the streets because he was insane is like learning that Bonny and Clyde weren't real, or that the Easter Bunny's legend has been greatly whitewashed and exaggerated over time.

What do you think? Is this DNA evidence for real? Let me know.

*I'm a slow reader myself.

Applying for jobs online is giving me suicide.

I'm suffering from a severe case of suicide after ragequitting another 400-page choose-your-own-adventure novel known as an online application form, in which the possible endings range from "An unknown error caused our shit website to lose all the data you just entered. Please start again" to "thanks for your reply. We will never get back to you, making the last four hours you spent telling us your dead dog's middle name and which aisle of your local supermarket is your favourite a spectacular waste of time".

What blows my tiny mind about this is that there are people without jobs, and there are people who are employed to design websites, and this is the result. Writing as someone slowly suffocating from a noose that would make my scoutmasters proud, and suffering as I may be from Owl Creek Syndrome, this still strikes me as fucking bullshit. My favourite examples are the websites that require you to enter each job, school and meal you've had individually, and then still ask for your CV at the end, which is like sending someone on a hike across country to pick up a train ticket to where they've gone.

So as I sway here in the early evening breeze, several things occur to me:

1. Application forms are overwhelmingly designed to filter out applicants, in response to the perpetually flaccid economy driving up applications into the thousands.

2. Employers show their contempt for the people they supposedly want to hire by flagrantly disrespecting our time with their poorly thought out forms.

3. All employers should be required to pay a small fee for each line applicants are required to write about themselves. Half this stuff they have no earthly reason to ask anyway, and the rest is already more easily covered elsewhere.

4. By "small fee", I mean £10 million.

Let me know what you think. Should I run on this platform? Should I cut the noose? What would make you happy? Leave a comment (in my spam folder).

Vic and Eddy

I don't know pop culture anymore.

Thor's a chick...Nicki Minaj wrote a song about her big dick...is South Park still on? Are Pink Floyd still a band? I don't know pop culture.

Is Justin Beaver a criminal? I keep reading about him in the news papers. Is it like Al Capone? What's going on?

I don't know pop culture...can anybody help me?

How do you go about getting a restraining order?

Not for any legal or sensible reasons, but because restraining orders are a great way to make money. You could take one out on some schmuck who rides the same train to work. Then you could chase him up and down the carriages, and if you caught him, he’d have to pay you a fine. You could sneak up behind him on a crowded escalator and he’d have to vault the barrier and go down on the other side to get away from you (this would have the bonus effect of ruining his day).

The only problem is if you accidentally picked someone who should be restrained against, in which case if you chase him he might cut you, so always wear protection.

Welcome to my blog!!

Hello everyone. My name is Patrick H. Bastard. This is my blog. I wrote it because I want to be famous. I would like to be the #1 blog on all the internets. My hobbies include knocking the ice cream out of children's cones, telling people their parents died, and playing with my toy soldiers.

Politically, I think the voting age should be lowered to 8 so I can vote, and we should be allowed to wee wee in public. I think the Prime Minister should be replaced by a balloon animal artist, and the House of Commons should be used for hoboes and vagrants when Parliament is not in session. Zoos would also be expanded to include major metropolitan areas so the animals would have more space.

I like animals and I like lots of nice things. One day I will have a great big room to play Lego in (not Legoes; that's wrong). I like juice. One day I will own my own fridge, and only put nice foods in it. Nobody who likes legumes will be allowed.

People say I'm no good, but they don't know me. If you know me you'll find I'm a sweet and gentle flower, and I'm only different, not bad.

I hate you.