Before grid girls and booth babes, prissy karens put another based and storied profession out of work: that of the noble sideshow performer. "But Pat", you sob, shaking with limp-wristed rage, "sideshows were heckin exploitative! For shame! This time you've really gone too heckin far!" Not so, fucko! Sideshows gave people with physical oddities scope to earn a living in a time when other avenues were often closed to them. Some became quite well-to-do and were beloved by fans and the entertainment community of the day. Many were dismayed at the end of their livelihood being foisted upon them by the pompous edicts of progressivism. Here at Pat Bastard and the Spurious Five Dot Blogspot Dot Com we stan our physically unusual kings and queens and revile the slime who shut their stardom down.
Listicle theme: Sideshow - Alice Cooper
Martin Laurello
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| "Some days I don't know whether I'm coming or going" - Martin Laurello (probably) |
Known as the human owl, Laurello had the incredible ability to reenact that scene from The Exorcist, which had to have been the best party trick ever, except it hadn't been released yet. He could twist his spine around so that his head faced backwards, in which condition he apparently was unable to breathe, but, like the biggest Chad ever to walk the earth, he kept doing it anyway. Not content to be a one-trick pony, Laurello also learned ventriloquism and trained dogs to perform. It has been dubiously alleged that he was a big NSDAP fan but, if true, that's even more titanium-ballsed.
Prince Randian
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| "Some days, I don't know whether I'm sitting or standing" - Prince Randian (definitely) |
I think it's fair that when you've got no limbs, you are entitled to declare yourself prince. The royal in question had a signature trick of lighting a cigarette using only his mouth, but, frankly, it's more impressive that he could move at all, using a sort of caterpillar-like motion to work his way across the ground. Less often remarked upon is that Prince Randian kind of looked like Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
Myrtle Corbin
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| >she's got legs by zz top starts playing |
Myrtle Corbin was a dipygus, meaning she had two pelvises and thus four legs. She forewent the obvious career as half a chorus line to make bank on the sideshow circuit. If Myrtle were alive today she would launch so much DevianTART fetishfaggotry you'd never go a day without seeing "dipygus" trending somewhere on the internet. This would, however, be a 5000% improvement over the shit tier fetishes prevailing IRL, plus "dipygus" is fun to say.
Frank Lentini
You will have heard of unborn children who absorb their twins in the womb. One man didn't quite finish the job.
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| That man's name? You guessed it: Frank Lentini. |
Though the leftovers of his partially-absorbed twin left him with one leg short of Myrtle Corbin's total, Lentini did have an extra toe on one foot, an extra foot on one knee, and two working sets of genitals. Since Corbin also had two working pussies, it is theoretically possible they could have double-teamed each other, producing some type of spider-person offspring in each of Corbin's wombs. What might have been, the world will never know, as both married people of more regular phenotypes and had healthy kids of their own.
Schlitzie
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| You wouldn't get it... |
The most famous face of the sideshow of all, the microcephalic known as Schlitzie the Pinhead remains a misunderstood figure. He was male, but was presented as a female character in part for a pragmatic reason: as he was incontinent, wearing a dress allowed easier access for his nurse to clean him up. Although his speech (of which you can hear a sample in the movie Freaks) was unintelligible to most, Schlitzie was keenly aware of what other people said about him, and enjoyed trolling those who were insensitive fucks about his condition. Schlitzie spent some unhappy years as a ward of the state before he was recognised and given a new home by Bill Unks, a sword-swallower from the good old days, who would later take him to the park where the former superstar was able to enjoy drawing a crowd and entertaining them as he loved best. One of Schlitzie was worth more than every unctuous douchebag who chants "let your freak flag fly" at Globohomo Pride events then in the same breath snerks at you to "have a normal one" combined.
Honourable mention pending further investigation: Zip
Dubious mention must be made of Zip, another so-called pinhead whose inclusion in the canon of greats is called into question because it is widely believed that he wasn't microcephalic at all, and just kind of looked a bit like it.
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| The mystery endures. |
It's fabled that his last words to his sister on his deathbed were something like "we sure fooled 'em for a long time, didn't we?". In 2024, this prompts the question: was Zip guilty of pinheadface?
But those are just a few of the great names that graced the world of the sideshow. Post ur favourites in the comments. Don't forget to like and subscribe to Anal Cunt - Topic on YouTube.
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