Happy Rare Disease Day!!!

♪ Iiiit's the most wonderful tiiiime of the yeeear...♫

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Can anyone help me with this Penguin joke?

The joke is:

Q. What do you call an angry Penguin?

A. A Pengrrruin

At first I thought this was a typo, but Penguin jokes would never let that slip past quality control. I tried to understand the punchline. Was it a pun? Is there something in the world that sounds like "penguin", but with an "r" in it? Or, was the intent to combine the words "penguin" and "ruin"? If that were the case, why the extra "r"s? Was it intended to sound like a primordial growl, like that of some strange beast from time immemorial? Whatever its nature, that word haunts me.

Please help...it's been days now...I don't get it.

Have a bastardly Valentine's Day!!2

Today is absolutely no one's favourite holiday, Valentine's Day!!!! This is a day for all the single losers* like myself to contemplate suicide!!!!!

Inexplicable though it may seem, I once had a girlfriend, and she was the best girlfriend ever. We laughed together, travelled together, and made fun of TV shows together. We taught each other so much about life, love, and growing up.

Then she left me because I "suck" (source), and I became a bastard. Coincidence????????{()}

So now I wander the streets on Valentine's Day, looking for happy, smiling, laughing couples to disdain. Why shouldn't I be happy? Don't I deserve love too? No? Because I'm an evil piece of shit who laughs at other people's misfortune and makes fun of everyone? I doant think that's very fair >:(

Here's what we can do to ruin this special day for happy, loving couples: if you have a friend who's going on a date with their long-term significant other (SOS), offer to drive them. "You don't want to get rained upon, and thus be wet, do you?" you'll say. Then when you've got them in the car, drive them deep into the woods and leave them.

I expect a Nobel Prize for this one.

*All the Single Losers is my new single and music video. Look for it on Bastard Records.

Thank God It's Friday The 13th: 13 facts about Jason

Hello campers! Let me tell you a story of a young boy who overcame deformity and retardation to become one of history's most beloved mass murderers. His name was Jason, and today is his birthday the day after which his biopics are named. This contains spoilers for all the Friday the 13th movies, if such a thing is even possible.

1. Jason wore six masks over the course of the original series. In Part 2 he wore a bag on his head, which led to him falling off a stool and getting kicked in the nuts because he couldn't see properly. In Part 3, he took his first hockey mask from a guy named Shelley, whom he whacked. This mask lasted until Part 7, weathering an axe blow and a boat propeller before getting pulled apart by Discount Carrie. They even buried this one with him, just in case he needed it when he rose from the grave in Part 6, which was very considerate of them. Knowing how attached he was to his mask, it's fortunate that in Part 8 the very first boat to come along and wake him from the bottom of the lake had one on it. That one was lost in the sewers of New York when he dissolved in toxic sludge and turned into a child (yes), but then in Part 9 he was just back with a new mask. In Part 10 he got upgraded into a cyborg for some fucking reason, giving him a new and shiny mask, and in Freddy Vs Jason he just woke up with a mask on because fuck it.

   

   Axe sold separately.

2. Jason can only be killed by whatever plot bullshit comes into play, but can consistently be revived by electricity, as shown in Parts 6 and 8. This is handy, as it means you can jump start your Jason just by shoving his pinky in a wall socket.
3. Jason suffered from hydrocephalus as a child. That is why his head is swollen and weirdly shaped. All the kids at Camp Crystal Lake bullied Jason for his appearance.

   

   Strangely, the camp counsellors sing Kum Ba Yah even when there are no kids around.

4. In Part 9 Jason is revealed to be activated by a Mini Boglin that lives in his heart and possesses people. This was discovered after he was blowed up by the FBI (yes). Like the sludge turning him into a child in the previous movie, this was deemed so stupid it was never mentioned again. Freddy Vs Jason took the same approach to Jason going to space in Jason X, making an unbroken trilogy of movies that were too embarrassed to acknowledge the one before them.
5. In Part 2, Jason lives in a shack in the middle of the woods. This shack has an indoor toilet, which suggests Jason is an adept plumber, like Mario. If the douchebag kids had not let Jason drown as a child, this indicates that he would now be fixing your pipes, and probably making more money than them.

   

   Jason's toilet. There's probably a toy of this.

6. Also in his shack is a shrine to his dead mother, in which her head is the centrepiece. This means Jason took the head after Alice cut it off in Part 1, and nobody thought it was strange that they found a decapitated body with no head at the murder scene.
7. Kane Hodder declared that Jason would not kill a child or a dog. While this is consistent with his portrayal in the four films in which Hodder starred, it makes the scenes in 4 where Jason chases after Tommy kind of strange. Rewatching them, we can only conclude that Jason wanted to tickle him.

   

   Warning: a noogie from Jason can cause skull fractures.

8. Parts 1, 2 and 4 are actually good movies.
9. Jason's ability to regenerate makes no sense and was clearly just made up as the series dragged on and got lazier and lazier. However, it allows for the hilarious scene in Jason X where they try to explain why he was frozen: they literally couldn't execute him.
10. Jason is the only horror icon to make a Final Girl visibly pee herself (Part 2).

    

    Don't lie, you would have too.

11. Jason can kill people with everything from a weed whacker to a party horn. He is also strong enough to punch a guy's head clean off. What this means is that he uses weapons only for the lulz, a fact which is supported by his swapping out weapons constantly for no reason.
12. Jason has been missing an eye since Cory Feldman impaled him through it with his own machete. After having both his eye sockets gouged out by Freddy in Freddy Vs Jason, he is later seen closing an intact eye, meaning that he can totally regenerate eyes, he just doesn't.
13. Jason's personal theme song is "He's Back (The Man Behind The Mask)" by Alice Cooper. This song is so 80s it will literally spray your hair.

Did I miss anything??? 8 years of school??? What am I doing with my life?????

Bastard role models: Sun Tzu

Sun Tzu was an awesome bastard during the "Spring And Autumn Period" of Chinese history, because in China, Summer doesn't happen. Sun Tzu is best known for his book The Art Of War, which is about trolling your enemies. It includes descriptions for dealing with lolcows, such as "If [your lolcow] is angry, Disconcert him. If he is weak, Stir him to pride. If he is relaxed, Harry him. If his men are harmonious, Split them". The book is also padded with the bleeding obvious, like advising you to run away if you are heavily outnumbered. This proves that Sun Tzu, just like you, fudged and padded his way to a passing grade on everything he did.

The Art Of War also contains built-in protection for the author, by saying "One can know Victory And yet not achieve it". This means even if you fail, Sun Tzu's ass is covered.

Pat Bastard's Top Ten Most Bastardly Songs!!

Put this on your play list. Be sure to play it backwards until you can hear my voice. I'll tell you what to do.

1. Anything by Anal Cunt (the best band in the world).
2. "Now It's Dark" by Anthrax. This is the anthem of the best character ever from Blue Velvet: Dennis Hopper. In the song he sings his best lines from the movie, such as "don't you fucking look at me" and "I am ONE FUCKING WELL DRESSED MAN!", a sentence only Dennis Hopper can yell at people.
3. "No Man's Land" by Alice Cooper. Alice Cooper has many songs that could qualify, like "I Love The Dead" (about fucking corpses), "Sanctuary" (asking everyone to fuck off so he can sit in his room), and "Blue Turk" (about fucking corpses). But instead I went for the best bastardly song in his whole storied catalogue, which is about the time he abandoned his gig as a mall Santa to go fuck some chick.
4. "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" by the Beatles. This is where Paul McCartney temporarily went insane and wrote a song about a guy who murders everyone with a hammer. That's why, even though John was always the one who gave Ringo shit and trolled religion and let Yoko record music, Paul was secretly the best bastard in the group.
5. "It's Gonna Get Worse" by Catherine: a song about how much you suck.
6. "I'm Destructive" by Dr Octagon. This song starts with everyone's favourite Juvian gynaecologist murdering someone with electric wires. He then asks how the listener would react if he violently assaulted them and their pets. Finally the song devolves into rambling such as "Like a green red blue reindeer, dead lying down with a fawn/Copulating, having sex/Mating with a baboon with buffalo wings/Hahahahaha". This is awesome, and great.
7. "Bastards on Parade" by the Dropkick Murphys. This is all about an asshole who pissed away his life, but now he's going to own it and be awesome. This is an inspiration to the rest of us who are presently awful.
8. "Let's Have A War" by Fear. "Let's have a war/So you can go die". Sufficient said.
9. "I'm Sick Of You" by Iggy Pop, in which the legend himself follows someone around for nearly seven minutes telling them he's sick not only of them, but of their mom and dad, for extra spite flavour.
10. "If I Had" by Eminem, in which he reveals that even if he had all the money in the world, he'd just spend it on stupid shit to spite people. I know how he feels, and I'm a 60-year-old man with Crohn's disease.
11. "Lovey Dovey" by Local H. This is where Scott Lucas reveals that he hates it when his friends are in relationships that make them happy, and derives glee from watching them fail.
12. "Last Caress" by the Misfits: definitely the best song of all the time, this is where Danzig has something to say, and it turns out it's that he whacked your baby.
13. "Run Shithead Run" by Mudhoney. This was written for a movie soundtrack. They put the lyrics in to force the filmmakers to use the instrumental track instead. They didn't. Hilarity ensued all over the place. Easily the best song ever to play at the gym.
14. "Beat On The Brat" by the Ramones, about wailing on a child with a baseball bat.
15. "Waving My Dick In The Wind" by Ween, about the titular activity.

I haven't provided any links because I'm so lazy I've basically melted, but you've got YouTube, so go listen to the scientifically most bastardly songs ever.

Some argue you can totally say "some argue".

"Some argue" means "it might be argued". People don't say that because it makes you sound like a tool. You can say "some argue", and if people ask who (which they should), you can say "me", or "Herman, the hypothetical hippo". So much time has been wasted, and questions avoided, by bitching about this. If you pooled that time and gave it to me, I could learn to play the banjo and speak Japanese. I probably wouldn't tho.

Movie Whatever Presents: Prom Nighte§æÕ±*þƒ?ø▓<♥éSÐ

Prom Night is one of the all time classics of the slasher movie genre. It has all the classic elements you need for great success: the title is a day, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Leslie Nielsen is just randomly there.

The thing I like the most about Prom Night is the killer, who wears a ski mask and kills people with a shard of glass, and later an axe. I like him because he's the unluckiest killer ever, taking moar pratfalls than the average Laurel and Hardy. After spending the movie's best action sequence getting his ass kicked by a partially sighted fat guy in a van...

He's also high as fuck.

...The killer then sneaks into the girls' bathroom to off his next victim. To avoid being spotted in the mirror, the killer turns off the lights...and misses, because he can't see what he's doing!

He then forgets his axe and has to come back for it. This really happens.

Then near the end of the picture he decapitates the wrong person and electrocutes himself.

You'd think all this stuff would happen to Jason, since he's the one who kills on Friday the 13th.

Besides the killer's lovable antics, the best reason to watch Prom Night is still the disco score and dance routines, which are HILARIOUS. Like, I mostly laugh at other people getting sick and stuff, but this is SUPER funny.

If you went to a pretend-American Canadian high school in 1980, this was your life.

Despite being way moar funny than scary, Prom Night is worth watching and still has its creepy moments. It's not the kind of movie you admire so much as the kind of movie you would like to kick back and watch sitcoms with. Prom Night is a pretty cool guy.