a little upd8

Theme: Skeletons in the Closet - Alice Cooper

Lately I've been working hard remastering my classic comic strips, which I intend to drop next week in one big package for your Christmas present. If you've been good, I might even throw in a bonus page but no promises. Anyway, this has left me time for either a well-thought-out article or sleeping in ridiculously late so in lieu of your article, here are some interesting facts about skulls:

The giraffe's ossicones are part of its skull!!!1 This means giraffe Hamlet would have convenient handles by which to hold giraffe Yorrick.

Snakes' lower jaws are separated into two mandibles that don't meet in the middle. This looks weird when viewed.

The hammerhead shark has the most metal of all skulls in the animal kingdom.

The toucan's skull is very tiny compared to its beak, and most of it is eye socket, leaving very little room for its brain. What's YOUR excuse?

Finally, the anteater's long face is in fact skull all the way through. I didn't know that, did EWE?

Tune in next week to see if I can meet my deadline! The suspense is out of control.

Greatest Movie of All Time of the Week: After the Sunset!

Theme: Fiesta - Ween

Spoylarz!!1

No, Pierce! She's fine the way she is.

In the storied annals of movies I picked up on DVD for £1 at charity shops, one of them was After the Sunset, starring the Architect (Tomorrow Never Dies) as master jewel thief Whocares Youwon'trememberhisnameanyway, who, after an especially audacious diamond heist from his hapless pursuer Woody Harrelson (Skyler from Breaking Bad), retires to the Bahamas where he quickly bores of living in wealth and luxury and banging prime Salma Hayek. #Relatable!

I'm not a machine, Salma.

But trouble is never far behind him, in the form of Harrelson, nor far in front, in that of the third diamond in the set he's been collecting, nor too far to his side, in the form of Don Cheadle, who plays a rarity in Hollywood slop: a villain who talks like they do in real life.

This is an hilarious way to frame pushing drugs to the community as noble.

I'm tired Salm Salm, I have a headache. Go write more economics papers.

CAN the Architect resist the lure of the third diamond? WILL Harrelson's Wile E. Coyote fed redeem his record of fuckups? OR will the two find themselves odd kindred spirits after the pattern of Heat and the Dhoom flicks? NO, no and sort-of, although in those movies the formula was that the cop and crook were somewhat evenly-matched, whereas here the Architect's deadpan cool-guy beats Harrelson's scenery-devouring sad-sack in scene after scene. BUT aren't our real enemies the friends we met along the way, or something?

Me and my buddy @RapeWaffen1776 in the gc (sorry if this handle belongs to a real one).

WOULD this flick be stronger if they let Harrelson's character be half a match for the Architect? Sure, it's just a different picture - maybe one with some suspense and stakes. But this is just a wish fulfilment fantasy, which is exactly what you want from any movie that isn't an actual artistic masterpiece, of which there are like five. The point of movies is so you can live on an exotic island for 90 minutes after working eight and a half hours plus commute in the rain with neurotypicals shrieking gibberish at you all day. If you'd rather watch depressing wank about Issues of an evening, you just don't have enough real problems.

No means no Salma!

RANKED: the Best and Worst of Christmas Music!

H8ing Christmas is reddit, yet most Christmas music is annoying. How to navigate this elaborate minefield? Why, by means of every cowardly bastard's first and last refuge: radical centrism. Here are the five best and five worst Christmas songs.

The Good

1. Jesus Christ - Big Star

Coping neckbeards have occasionally tried to spin this banger from the devastating Third/Sister Lovers album as ironic. Wrong! Chilton's songwriting exposed every nerve and when he was being sarcastic, as on "Thank You Friends", you'd have to be as autismal as me to miss it. "Jesus Christ" is the crowning jewel in any patrician's seasonal playlist.

2. We Three Kings - Rob Halford

Sure, metal covers are a played-out novelty staple but that doesn't change the fact that making something metal generally improves it, and lyrics of such crushing heft as "King forever/Ceasing never/Over us all to reign" merit every bit of bombast the format imbues. Better yet, there's zero irony in Halford's treatment. Constantly misunderstood by idiots, the name Judas Priest was always intended to convey the duality in the human soul between evil and good, and Halford, who lived this internal war harder than many, ultimately roots for the Priest.

3. No Man's Land - Alice Cooper

Featured on the master's greatest album, DaDa, "No Man's Land" tells a tale of a mall Santa who ditches his duties to go bang some thot he just met, meaning the movie Bad Santa is just a ripoff of this unknown classic from the 80s. The already-ambiguous context of the album gives it a more troubling undertone too, but on a playlist this will go over everyone's heads, enabling them to discover it for themselves when they spin the album, making it the gift that keeps on giving.

4. One More Sleep - Leona Lewis

Basic thots cover your ears: "One More Sleep" is the pop R&B banger "All I Want for Christmas is You" wishes it could be, and finally makes good use of those chiming bell sounds that festoon any number of weaker seasonal arrangements.

5. Als I Lay on Yoolis Night - Martin Best Ensemble

This 14th Century traditional song reaches back into our deep and overly neglected well of heritage to fill you with the calm that is the counterpoint to Halford's majestic bombast and Cooper's sinister mischief.

The Bad

1. Feed the World - Live Aid

Dear boomoids: the reason there was a horrific famine in Ethiopia in the 1980s is because a communist psychopath named Mengistu Haile Mariam murdered the last emperor, seized power and implemented the same collectivisation of agriculture policies that killed millions in the USSR and tens of millions in China, not because "nothing ever grows" in "Africa". Sure, as continents go, Africa is by far the biggest net importer of food from outside of itself, but it didn't have to be that way. There was a perfectly good country called Rhodesia that was known as the breadbasket of Africa until yet another communist faction took it over, ethnically cleansed the white farmers who made it work, and caused another famine that killed a million people. Rather than realise that being an evil libtard is the common denominator in everything that goes wrong ever, evil libtards instead wrote this song pestering everyone to "feed the world", causing an immense, unstoppable explosion of a dependent population, creating a genuinely apocalyptic ticking time bomb, making this by far the worst and most destructive song in history.

2. Happy Xmas (War is Over) - John Lennon and the Yoko Ono Band

So dreary and boring that for years I heard its refrain as "without any cheer" instead of "fear", and it still seemed to make some kind of sense. War will be over when Lennon-worshippers stop listening to neocon slop about how Hitl0r was uniquely evil in all of history and, simultaneously, everyone from Poutine to Hummus is Hitl0r.

3. I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day - ???

FACT CHECK: the snowman doesn't bring the snow. The snow comes first, then kids make the snowman out of it. Way to screw the kids out of their well-earned credit, someone I can't be bothered to Bing Search.

4. Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart - Wham!

BARF.

5. We All Want Some Figgy Pudding - traditional

"And we won't go until we get some/We won't go until we get some/We won't go until we get some/So bring some out here". Scarcely has a song so begged for a steel-toe-capped boot to the taint.

Stay tuned for more phoned-in listicles!