Greatest Movie of All Time of the Week: The Alamo!

Article theme: The Yellow Rose of Texas/The Eyes of Texas  - Elvis Presley

Because by any other metric it's great, the risible angle John Wayne h8ers have to take toward his epic masterpiece is that it is historically inaccurate on several counts, which puts it in the company of every single movie ever based on an historical event.

Everyone knows the real Crockett waterskied everywhere on two alligators.

I mean, did the Iliad faithfully capture the factual details of every moment of the Trojan war? There is a case to be made that movies should have to disclose their deviations from true events, but if you think this is anywhere near the worst offender, or that its purview is actually history and not myth, you need to put down the crack pipe. The facts are simply that 200-odd men stood against 7000, knowing defeat was inevitable, to buy time for General Sam Houston's army to escape north and lick itself into shape to claim the territory from the grasp of Antonio López de Santa Anna.

Who would win? I mean, yeah, actually it's the second lot, but it's the thought that counts.

"MaKe TeXaS mExIcO aGaIn" squealers can cope and seethe; if anything, Wayne's romantic narrative is too kind to Santa Anna, who didn't even bother to dispute the charge of despotism laid at his foot, went around calling himself the Mexican Napoleon, and was so narcissistic-slash-bug-fuck-insane he once held a funeral with full military honours for his amputated leg. Despite being an absolute cartoon, Santa Anna was reinstated three times by various disgruntled factions in old Méjico in between periods of exile for fucking everything up, only to fuck everything up again. His legacy is losing Texas because he was as incompetent as he was megalomaniacal. Yet Wayne - himself a boogeyman for his pinko detractors - was uninterested in the farcical demonology that would inevitably result from a proper treatment of the not-so-great dictator, showing more warmth and empathy for the enemy troops than any lib has ever mustered for someone who so much as called him a fag on 4Chan:

Much of the drama at the film's core is derived from clashing personalities under the pressure of imminent death. Richard Widmark plays Jim Bowie rough and ornery, Laurence Harvey plays Will Travis with a huge stick up his ass, and the Duke himself plays Davy Crockett straight down the middle, a canny diplomat who speaks the language of the rough-and-ready volunteers and the distinguished men of state with equal fluency. Charges of caricature could be levied by fanboys of any colonel of the three, but as a dramatic dynamic it keeps what might be a dull wait sparking with uncertainty, internal conflict and odd-couple humour. There's even a subplot in which Wayne trolls some glory-supporting merchant trying to pressure a young Latina hottie (Linda Cristal) into marriage, before packing her off to safety in old-timey chivalric fashion.

The character is listed in the credits as "Sausage Fest Disruptor", which I personally felt was just a little on-the-nose.

The fact you know from the jump everyone dies at the end (spoilars!!1) makes it all the more vital to pack the early scenes with endearing nonsense of this genre. You'll feel cheated of a whole series of Wayne-as-Crockett adventures, to the point of forgetting Wayne played Wayne in everything he ever made, which is quite the achievement for his 5,475th film. Moreover, he surrounds himself with such a strong cast of oddball minor characters that no scene passes without robust populist humour and pathos. Wayne sank $1,500,000 of his own money into the project, and his palpable love of the heroes outshines any question of intended disrespect. The Alamo is the siege classic to which misguided Zulu fans might best be gently redirected.

Roll call at an average Texas school (2025, colourised).

Contrary to what decades of character assassination might have you believe, the ideals for which the Duke actually stood were downright naïve in their let's-all-get-along would-be moderate-centrism.

In real life republics as a system are best characterised as utterly immunocompromised against destabilisation by l*ft-wing psychopaths, at which point the best-case scenario is that a Franco steps in to salvage the nation at the cost of many lives, and in the very worst cases you get a Mao. I have no faith in Wayne's dream, but perhaps, like Plato's own Republic, it's something that can only be truly realised beyond the confines of this world. For Wayne, that dream was one worth sharing. In his utter, naked earnestness, he gave a fitting tribute to the men who died for that impossible dream.

Pulping in the 90s: The Shadow and The Phantom!

Article theme: Original Sin - Taylor Dayne

When Alex Baldwin isn't fatally shooting crewmembers on set, he sometimes acts in movies.

Alec nooo

The Shadow

One such movie was the 1994 Shadow, in which Baldwin plays another asshole who shoots people, except, unlike in real life, a Tibetan monk known as the Tulku bullies him out of his asshole ways and into a life of 1930s proto-superheroism. Baldwin, hitherto an evil opium kingpin based somewhere around the Hindu Kush, insists he doesn't want redemption, but the Tulku tells him tough shit, and that's that, apparently.

Evil Baldwin's creepy Fu Manchu nails crack me up. It's like if he became an African warlord and wore a giant plate through his lip.

The Tulku has a magic flying dagger that makes faces at you in between trying to stab you. IDK if CGI this vintage is nostalgic yet, but look at it. It's so silly.

Though I'll spend much of the remaining runtime missing Evil Baldwin, Good Baldwin is a passable substitute, especially when they let him improv:

I kinda want to splice this into his Glengarry Glen Ross scene but I'm far too lazy, so just...picture it.

Now based in New York City at its art deco height, Good Baldwin has mastered the nebulous powers of the Shadow (1994), which is just as well, because an evil villain (John Lone) is about to wake up from an ornate sarcophagus, claiming to be the last descendent of Genghis Khan. This is an odd claim because it's widely believed ol' Genghis crushed so much puss that .5% of the entire Earth is descended from him, but maybe Lil' Khan believed his ancestor's claim that he was just playing naked Twister with four hundred ladies when he walked into the old man's yurt aged four wanting a glass of airag and a bedtime story.

Lil' Khan knows how to make an entrance.

Rather than make NYC the seat of his Lil'khanate, Lil' Khan plans to blow it to high Tengri with a magic-meets-science Frankenstein nuke. I have no idea what he intended to do next, but did the Mongols ever really think that far ahead? I'd love to crack wise about the lack of foresight that leads a world-spanning empire to fragment and be absorbed into Islam but, well, I'm British, so, uh...nevermind. Fortunately Lil' Khan is as entertaining a villain as he isn't practical, amusing himself doing things like mind-controlling the guy from the diner in Mulholland Drive to do a header off a skyscraper for bagging on his steppe chic ensemble.

Bet that homeless bum behind the Winkies doesn't seem so bad now, huh Winkies guy?

Sadly our hero puts a stop to his malarkey in flamboyant fashion. For some reason the Shadow wears a mask that only covers his mouth, but grows a longer nose so that his Baldwin form can't be identified by nose size. IDK how many trvely dedicated hardcore Shadow fans were frequenting the cinema in 1994, but I think they'd have gotten away with giving him a proper mask instead, because it's weird watching a movie wondering how the protagonist's Pinocchio powers work. Does he read CNN headlines every time he transforms?

Wearing my mask like this daily from 2020-22 to troll Fauci goblins. Not all heroes wear capes (but I do).

The Phantom

But The Shadow wasn't the only 1930s pulpkino to drop in the 90s, and NO, The Rocketeer isn't the other one. The Rocketeer is based on a pretender comic strip from the 80s and is boomer truth regime bootlicking ASS. The other one is 1996's purple-bodysuitkino The Phantom (1996).

Sadly, he doesn't yell "slam evil!" when he punches people. Missed opportunity, honestly.

Billy Zane (Twin Peaks) plays the titular hero who, despite his ominous-sounding name, is an entirely amiable bro void of the mandatory angst that makes most heroes such a bore. He lives in the jungles of Madeupistan but gets caught up in Treat Williams' (Deep Rising) evil scheme to unite three magical skulls that, when placed together, unlock the incredible power of welding:

"What a treat!" - Treat.

Even when trained on a person, this hilariously underwhelming superweapon is only about as useful as a handgun, maybe moreso if it doesn't require ammunition, but Treat Williams is so pleased with himself when he gets it, he reminds me of Béla Lugosi at the end of Chandu the Magician. Other villains include Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (Showdown in Little Tokyo) as a pirate, Ritchie from The Sopranos as a gangster, and Catherine Zeta-Jones as the ambiguously gay nympho leader of an all-chick squad of pilots who turns face in the end, which sounds suspiciously like Pussy Galore from Goldfinger, but apparently she was a real character in the OG comic strips so IDK who ripped off whom. Kristy Swanson (The Chase) rounds out the cast as Zane's love interest, who is apparently unable to see through his proto-Clark-Kentian disguise:

"Hmmm...nope, could be anyone" - Kristy Swanson.

Just like The Shadow, The Phantom is a good-natured time-killer with fun setpieces and period detail, but apparently most of the scenes developing the Swanson/Zane romance were cut, and you can feel their absence. Swanson's bonding scenes with Charlie Sheen in The Chase were a charm showcase that would elevate the characters' dynamic here. Hilariously, more definition is lavished upon the dynamic between Swanson and Zeta-Jones:

The great debate!!!

So, which is better? The Shadow, but I prefer The Phantom. But whichever you prefer, it's nice to know there were such sovlful tributes to the old-school pulp heroes released within at least my lifetime. Have a great week and don't forget to lock the door before you slam your evil.

Hey now.

Greatest Movie of All Time of the Week: The Red Turtle!

Article theme: Ocean Rain - Echo and the Bunnymen

*Record scratch* *freeze frame* Yep, that's me. I bet you're wondering how I ended up in this predicament...

The idea that silent movies are obsolete or can only be revived sporadically as a gimmick (remember The Artist?) can be thrown out after watching The Red Turtle, a 2016 animated gem without a line of intelligible dialogue. Wouldn't a talkie feel the need to expand on the protagonist's backstory and similar nonsense? But do dreams do that? No. Our protagonist is everyman. So are we all.

Womb symbolism or an actual cave? You decide!

Everyman washes up on a deserted island anywhere or nowhere. He sets out to build a raft in hopes of escape, but some unseen force keeps smashing each progressively larger iteration, driving him back to shore. I won't spoil anything that happens, but it's not a film of plot. Take in the moments, the textures, the quiet, contemplative days, the haunting soundtrack, the emotional journey from desperation to anger to despair to hope to you'll-see-what.

Even on a bog-standard DVD, the textures are transportive.

In the same spirit as our hero, I won't say much, and it's no demerit to this monument to beauty that I don't have much to say.

Watch The Red Turtle.

Greatest Movie of All Time of the Week: The Thief of Bagdad!

Article theme: Magic Carpet Ride - Steppenwolf

Ignore the 1940 Bri'ish talkie called The Thief of Baghdad; the 1924 silent epic is by far the greater film, even though it opens with the most boomerific platitude you could imagine:

This theme is actually developed pretty well in the movie, but literally spelling it out right from the jump is like opening your magnum opus with "don't forget to floss!".

A clear influence on Disney's Aladdin, Thief stars Douglas Fairbanks as the titular protagonist, who passes his days in the Arabian metropolis lifting purses from well-heeled merchants and food from some old Jew broad. Thankfully, it's a silent movie, so we don't have to listen to her kvetch.

Oh, you'll laugh at my "white girls fuck dogs" bit from my Die Another Day article, but for this you boo?

Much time is killed with Fairbanks and his old geezer sidekick (who completely disappears from the picture at some point; IDK) robbing marks and bouncing around like Mario before the plot kicks in. We're in no hurry, because the whole time we can look at sets like this:

Oh, big deal. That's probably a matte--

Uh...

Oh. Well damn.

Fairbanks disguises himself as a prince to compete for the princess's hand with three rivals, including our Fu Manchuesque villain (Sōjin Kamiyama):

LMFAO this is like if a Mongolian said "oh, there goes John Blon Flon of Muh Puh Guh".

Posing as a prince with a minimalistic cover story (he's from very far away), Fairbanks contrives to woo the princess (Julanne Johnston) in her chambers. I wouldn't mind a chance to slip into her chambers either.

Don't say it.

I'm not saying it.

But Fairbanks' ruse is exposed, cockteasing us with the prospect of a mauling by gorilla that never occurs:

Me leaving feedback on the Uber driver who sang along to Lady Ga Ga on his radio.

Instead, he's merely beaten with whips and tossed out of the palace, now feeling remorse for what he's done. The princess is distraught, fearing she now has to choose one of the other three suitors.

That's not the first time she's had a a string of pearls across her face. Alright, I said it, but you made me.

To stall their advances, she sets them a fetch quest:

Most reasonable wahman on Tinder.

CAN Douglas Fairbanks redeem himself and win the love of his princess?

WILL Cham Shang conquer Bagdad by force or deception?

IS this century-old movie better than anything you've ever seen, despite imagining yourself quite the kinosseur? Yes to all. The absurdly huge sets and orientalist maximalist design aesthetic mog the production standards of every talkie would-be adventure or epic combined. The effects don't merely hold up, but are altogether more impressive than more recent efforts because they were done without computers. There's action, romance, laughs, intrigue and spectacle for days. Watch The Thief of Bagdad, but don't show it to your kids too soon - you'll spoil them.

Ignore the little text in the bottom right of frame; the screenshots are from the most HD upload I could find in over eight seconds of searching.