Jimbo: The Thinking Barbarian - 14. Dream of Fire and Starshine!

 Theme: True Companion - Donald Fagen

Jimbo: The Thinking Barbarian - 13. The Necromancer!

Theme: Powerslave - Iron Maiden 

Jimbo: The Thinking Barbarian - 12. The Caves of Chicomoztoc!

Theme: Damn the Machine - Gamma Ray

 

Jimbo: The Thinking Barbarian - 11. The Far City!

Theme: Broken Dreams - Lita Ford 

Thank God It's Friday The 13th: Jason X!!!

Jason X is the best early 2000s slasher movie in spehss you could ever hope for. Back when it came out that would have sounded like faint praise, but as we've previously discussed, the late 90s to the early 2000s were the last good era, and this flick is very, very early 2000s. So much so that I would almost say it's as quintessentially early 2000s as the old Friday the 13ths were quintessentially 80s. For the pop punk/postgrunge/numetal generation, this is nostalgiakino. Nothing ever looks as much like its era as its depictions of the future.

In 2055, the hospital patient's gown has been replaced by gloriously slutty chainmail for some reason.

The Final Girl this time out is a former Jason researcher who accidentally gets cryogenically frozen along with him in the near-future of 2001 (2010). Despite being revived four hundred years in the future, she proves to be much more capable than the people who have grown up on spaceships, and even seems to know the layout of their ship better than they do. This is typical of lazy Mary-Sue type writing, but maybe the point is more that people in the future are really stupid due to their overly convenient lifestyles. They reattach limbs and bring people back to life with nanobots so casually their survival instincts have basically dropped off to nothing. They're basically Elois from The Time Machine, and Jason is the based Morlock here to knock some sense into them, and by sense I mean a machete.

A condition in my will is to be stuffed in this position with my trusty blade.

Our based incel is thawed out and revived by the suspicion that two Eloi normalfags are having wanton secks somewhere on board, and throws a characteristically righteous murder spree in protest. He starts by whacking this galloping Stacy by freezing her head. Gamers: 1, thots: 0.

Serious question: is this the first time Jason's been to second base?

Jason then proceeds to hack his way through the rest of the crew who keep forgetting things like where there's a large unprotected glass screen he can easily break through, and to fill in this bluescreen:

Maybe it's just meant to be blue, considering they didn't correct for the light spill, but nothing is that shade of blue except bluescreen.

Eventually they fight back using such tricks as a modified fuccbot in a pleasingly The-Matrix-is-still-current-and-hip outfit, who blows off Jason's limbs and head, which seems to kill him pretty dead, although we're told the people of 2010 couldn't figure out a way to kill him and the firepower isn't noticeably more powerful than weapons we have today.

Psshhh...nothin personnel...Jason...

Nonetheless the crew, including Final Girl, seem satisfied she's put him down for good and get to Skyping with a possible rescue vessel leaving the ship to revive him as a cyborg for no fucking reason. Maybe the ship is run by a HAL type computer that's secretly Team Jason.

There's no way they didn't laugh out loud when he first tried this on.

The cyborg version, called, in the credits, "Uber Jason" (at the time this didn't make him sound like a taxi driver) is even more unstoppable than regular Jason, so to slow him down, Final Girl and the based autist who built the fuccbot waylay him into a holodeck in which he's confronted by some slutty campers, who he naturally kills.

Censored to avoid offence.

Eventually our hero is dishonourably tackled into Earth 2's atmosphere where he begins to burn up. Is this the final end of Jason? Well at least part of his mask makes it to the new Earth, where it falls, fittingly, in a lake. I leave it up to your imagination whether or not Jason survived and solo'd the entire new host planet of the normalfaggot locust, but I think we all know what we'd prefer. Jason X is dumb as shit, but in a fun way. Everything about it has that slick, cool blue-grey look everything had in the early 2000s and it's even directed like an episode of Star Trek, with that small-screen overreliance on closeups and sterile future, so it's like watching Jason whack Wil Wheaton and the chick who reads emotions for the benefit of the autistic audience.

The survivors: an autistic white man, a hot Asian woman and a sex robot, as God intended.

The only thing that sucks about this movie (in the bad way) is the quippy Marvel/Josh Whedon/Jar Jar Abrams tier dialogue, especially from the character Janessa. However, it wasn't as omnipresent back then and we're supposed to root for Jason against the crypto-redditeurs anyway, so I'll let it slide.