Jason Goes to Hell has about as much to do with Friday the 13th as the average Hellraiser sequel has to do with Hellraiser, which is ironic because Jason Goes to Hell has a lot in common with Hellraiser, such as this inexplicable gay bondage scene in which Jason, possessing a doctor, shaves a guy:
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| Clive Barker doesn't get made fun of enough. |
There are two good things about the ninth instalment of Friday the 13th. One is the opening sequence, which should have been the whole film. A woman arrives at a cabin in the woods, gets naked and steps into the shower, but the power cuts out and Jason shows up to slice her with his machete. She runs into the woods and he chases her into an ambush in which a large unit of federales light him up with excessive force including a mortar or something which blows his entire body to bits.
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| Based Agent Hotty so pleased she's forgotten all about her gushing wound. |
You can stop watching there to be honest. It was a fun opening and it made sense they would do that eventually, and flipped the script on the expected helpless victim without being a bore about it. Sadly, there was more to come. For some reason, even though it had never even been hinted at before, the writers chose to make the "real" Jason a Mini Boglin who lives in his heart and possesses people. The coroner who gets to deal with Jason's body bits decides for no reason to eat the heart and thus becomes possessed, and then proceeds to pass the Boglin on through several other hosts until blah blah who cares this movie sucks.
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| "Om nom nom" - a medical professional |
The correct amount of lore in a Friday the 13th flick is none to negative (negative meaning it erases the ending of a previous film, which they nearly always do). This one way overcompensates with a stupid backstory about a magic dagger that can only be wielded by a Voorhees and a bounty hunter character who, I don't know, knows all this for some reason. It's so hard to care, and I'm not trying very hard. The Boglin looks like this, and at one point it crawls into his sister's cunt. I am by no means making that up:
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| Imagine being a professional actor and being told to wrestle with this rubber chicken looking piece of shit. |
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| This is supposed to be a tie-in to some other flick but fuck that, Marvel sucks. |
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| Boglin incest necrophilia is the next frontier in civil rights, but you're a monster if you like normal tits. |
Eventually Jason pops back up looking exactly like he did before exploding, hockey mask and all. Blah blah they stab him and he goes to Hell, as the title already suggested. It looks something like this, if you're curious:
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| What a flamboyant way to die. |
Fortunately nothing from this instalment was ever mentioned again, with the exception of the second good thing which eventually culminated in the last (to date) good movie in both this and the Nightmare on Elm Street series:
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| "Yoink" - Freddy Krueger |
But don't get too wet for it yet, because there's one more
Friday the 13th to go before we get to it, and it is
out of this world.
