Spoilers throughout.
One year after bowing out on a high note with the still-classic-feeling
Part 4,
Friday the 13th entertainingly shit the bed (and every bed) with a fifth instalment in which Jason is replaced by a guy in a Jason costume, making this technically
Scooby Doo.
Despite the fan outrage that their beloved murderous retard in a hockey mask was replaced by a cheap knockoff murderous retard in a hockey mask, that angle is by far the least of the flick's many, many problems. And when I say "problems" I mean it in the sense that microcephaly is a problem.
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| A nice detail is you can tell he's not the real Jason because he has blue stripes on his goalie mask instead of red. |
Tommy Jarvis, the young man who, as a child in Part 4, killed Jason, is now in a halfway house for nutter butters, convinced he keeps seeing Jason around every corner despite the insistence by the cops that Jason's body was cremated - a plot point point-blank ignored by the next instalment, as was the twist ending and pretty much everything else from Part 5. For all that exceptional individuals like me like to go over the continuity of these series, there effectively isn't any. However, this is good, as the alternative would be reddit-tier werld berlderng.
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| Friday the 13th is not about plot. |
So one of the unstable kids at the halfway house axe-murders another of them because they gave him an axe like dumb-dumbs. Axe-Boy is arrested but later someone in the town starts killing again. Has Axe-Boy escaped? Has Tommy snapped? Is Jason back from the grave? Or is it a guy we saw for two seconds at the start and won't remember by the time we find out it was him? It's the last one, but also maybe Tommy, except that the twist ending, as mentioned above, is dropped and never mentioned again, making this possibly the most pointless Friday the 13th movie, which is like being the most neurotic twitter user, or the fattest person over 400lbs.
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| "Alas, poor Not-Jason. I knew him, well, not at all really" - Tommy |
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| Jason would look way more creepy in a patient's gown than the random ass hobo clothes he normally wears. |
Worse still, it's the most annoying Friday the 13th movie, thanks largely to the fat tard who initiates the whole comedy of errors by pissing off Axe Boy and the two most obnoxious red neck stereotypes in motion picture history, which is quite the achievement since if there's one thing skinnyfat Hollywood hacks hate more than adult heterosexuality (there isn't), it's the rural working class. These "gross hicks" chew up the scenery and what feels like about fifteen minutes of screentime shrieking, being dirty and hacking up unappetising chicken meat before getting unceremoniously bumped off, making not the merest difference to the plot but giving child-molesting liberals something to feel superior to while pissing everyone else off.
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| Stunning and bravely punching up at poor people. |
On the plus side, there's a guy named "Demon" who is a Michael Jackson fan, and a girl that does the robot while listening to new wave music, just to remind you that it's 1985. The final chase sequence is pretty good too, and includes a brief face-off between a chainsaw and Not-Jason's machete. As we know, the real Jason is afraid of chainsaws, so this is a neat little tip-off that it's not really him (as if that was planned).
Fortunately this would be the absolute low point of the series at least until Jason Goes To Hell (but let's call it a tie).
