Blunt Force Troma: Tromeo and Juliet!!!

"Well we found a peanut all right...a peanut of death!"

- Cop

It's Valentine's Day, and how better to celebrate than with the most romantic movie of all time: Tromeo and Juliet? 

The movie opens with the indelible cinematic image of a dead squirrel hanging from a noose, and features the late, great Lemmy from Motörhead as the narrator, so if you're looking for something to get your partner in the mood for love, you know you've come to the right place.

Tromeo and Juliet concerns two families at war with each other, from forth the fatal loins of which the title characters come. They communicate their feud by means of animal carcasses, but soon escalate to dismemberment and death. For example, this guy gets his fingers cut off.

Then he has his head trapped in a car window and driven into a fire hydrant, whereupon he tries to scoop his fallen brains back into his skull.

But that's not even close to the best part. That honour must go to the context-and-fat-free dream sequence in which Juliet's pregnant stomach is unzipped to reveal a mound of popcorn and a couple of rats. Why? I don't know, and nor does anybody else! Just let it happen to you.

We wouldn't want to scar your mind of course. Note that her nightshirt thing randomly disappears and reappears throughout this sequence, even though you couldn't possibly make that mistake. Based Troma, we salute you.

Despite the similar title, this isn't just a straight remake of the 1597 Shakespeare movie. The ending reveals a left-field twist that changes everything, which I'm surprised William Shakespeare didn't think of himself. Needless to say, this is a cinematic landmark everyone should see before they die (or during). Look out for the great Tiffany Shepis in her first role as "Peter" (top pic). If you watch this movie you will have a fine Valentine's Day (guarantee void outside of Tromaville).

The Horrible Adventures of Princess Oregano and the Seven Gnomes, Part One: In Which Princess Oregano Goes Missing; or, An Unexpected Horror

Being the first chapter in the heinous cycle of infamy known as the chronicles of Princess Oregano:

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this video, please remember to like, subscribe and share before you blow your brains out all over your body pillow. Thanks.

The Thing in the Fridge

It's been there for six months now. Every time I open the door I try not to look at it. I must have bought it when I arrived.

I think it must have been food once. Something you'd eat, or put into your mouth and chew and swallow. Some kind of vegetable perhaps? Or maybe a bar of something. It's so hard to tell under the foam and mould and eyes.

I try not to look at it, especially when it looks at me.

I wonder if it's actually alive. If it's developed a brain stem, or if it just moves unthinkingly. It wouldn't bother me, except...

...It's growing bigger.

I barely sleep anymore. The heater in my room is on full blast, but I don't dare to take it down, in case the thing comes in. Could it survive outside the fridge? I don't know, but I'm not taking the chance.

I haven't had anyone over in at least six weeks. The last time anyone came over they went into the kitchen together. I don't know if they saw what was in there, but when they returned they looked like they had seen a decomposing food item of unknown origin.

To this day I've never asked them what it did to them, but I received a message the next day. It read simply, "dude, clean out your fridge".

What did it mean? The words haunt me to this day.