The barreleye fish is my only friend.

"Ayy lmao" - the barreleye fish

The barreleye fish has a transparent head, allowing for a great range of movement for its swivelly eyes, pictured above in green. The eyes on the front aren't really eyes, which explains their dopey expression. The barreleye is clearly the fish that likes to get high all the time, and is generally chill. I wish I lived among the barreleyes, far from people who want me to fetch them pastries or sign their kids.

Happy Kick A Ginger Day!!!

As you know, November 20th is Kick A Ginger Day. Although link related does contain references to a "national" Kick A Ginger Day, this is a festive tradition that is enjoyed all round the world, from the Aborigines of Australia to the Incas of Peru. For legal reasons the site advises that it is a joke and not a real holiday, but I leave it to you to read between the lines.

Concerned parents need not be concerned: there is nothing in the whole Beatles discography that prohibits kicking gingers. Moreover, extensive evidence suggests that, had the goblin fish hair, it would be ginger.

Let's all shun the goblin fish. Photo by Dianne Bray.

So should you kick a ginger? Well all civilisations have their own traditions. In Spain there is an ancient tradition of dropping a goat out of a tower, and the national anthem of Spain translates roughly to "Fuck goats/I hate the goats/I want to drop them out the tower/Because they piss me off so bad".

The solution is obvious: we can save these beautiful creatures and spare gingers from their much-warranted kicking all at the same time, by combining the traditions. Henceforth, Spain shall drop gingers from the towers. Everyone wins.

Thank God It's Friday The 13th: 13 Moar Facts About Jason!!!

At least 100 years ago, I wrote an article all about Crystal Lake's most famous son. Watching the Friday the 13th movies for the 600th time, it occurred to me that there were things I hadn't mentioned, so here they are. Spoilers blah blah blah

1. Jason doesn't know which side of the machete is the cutting side. He kills two people with the wrong edge of the machete in Part 2, but it works anyway, because he's Jason and he can do anything the script requires him to. Seven films later, he did the same thing again, making it a recurring character trait (intentionally or otherwise).

   

   Would this hurt more or less than the correct way? Pls comment (it's for a friend).

2. Jason hates rabbits. Part 3 implies that he killed two rabbits just because he hates them. Part 2 also implied he killed a dog, although Kane Hodder says no, and who are we to argue? Anyway, it's clear that Jason will kill animals, and probably trees and shit, when people aren't around.
3. Jason's hockey mask was supposed to turn up in the otherwise unrelated Friday the 13th TV series, which would have revealed it to be haunted, possibly by Jason. Since the series premiered in 1987, and The New Blood came out in 1988 (in which the original mask was finally destroyed), this would have meant that the mask that was slated for the final episode was the one from Jason Takes Manhattan. Since the episode never materialised, the haunted mask is presumably still floating around in the New York sewer system.

   

   They built things to last in those days.

4. Ever wonder why Jason can be chasing someone one minute and then pop up in front of them the next? Well the director of Jason Takes Manhattan confirmed that it's intentional, it's not a continuity error. This means Jason can canonically teleport, so every time he doesn't it's because he forgot.
5. Jason's hockey mask always has red markings. If you see a guy in a hockey mask who kills people and never talks but with blue markings, that's Fake Jason from Part 5. Fake Jason is not as good as Jason because when he dies, he doesn't come back. It's heartwarming how much fans want Jason over another guy who does the same exact thing.
6. Jason is only two degrees removed from Kevin Bacon, as his mother killed the guy in Part 1.
7. Jason spawned his own merchandising tie-ins in-universe, such as these hockey mask hamburgers. Would you pay more for, say, a Gacy-themed hamburger with ketchup clown makeup? People in Friday the 13th films would, because people in Friday the 13th films don't give a fuck.

   

   Jason also modelled this poster for the New York tourist board. They b& it.

8. Contrary to popular belief, Jason has never used a chainsaw, but Ginny from Part 2 chased him with one for a bit, revealing the interesting fact that Jason is afraid of chainsaws.
9. If you catch Jason between bodies (or, rather, he catches you), he will shave you.

   

   ???

10. Jason has spoken once, while in another person's body. He didn't say anything of interest, but it proves he knows how to speak, he just doesn't.
11. Some people believe Jason's mother brought him back using the Necronomicon Ex Mortis from The Evil Dead, because it can be seen in the Voorhees house in Jason Goes to Hell. This idea would be revisited in the Freddy Vs Jason Vs Ash comics. However, the filmmakers deny it and we know The Evil Dead is just a movie in the Nightmare on Elm Street continuity, which first crosses over with Friday the 13th in JGTH. What this means is that Mrs Voorhess was actually a big fan of the movie Evil Dead, and had procured the prop at great expense.

    

    Yes.

12. Jason's father is Elias Voorhees. He was supposed to appear in an early draft of Jason Lives. According to Betsy Palmer's own backstory, Pamela met him in high school. Elias is still alive as far as we know, he just never bothered to call.
13. According to this thread, Alice may have stolen Mrs Voorhees' ring, thus giving Jason another reason to find and kill her. Sadly this is proven not to be the case: they just had similar rings. But it would be really funny, and when I make my slasher movie series I will definitely have a Final Girl steal a ring from the killer or something.

Did you learn all sorts of things??? Are you spiritually awakened??? Leave a comment so I can be too!!!

Seven big-eyed animals that are cuter than your kids!!!

Everyone knows big eyes are the universal symbol for cuteness. Not everyone knows that JFK was murdered by the world central bank.

This puppy's eyes are pretty big. Not big enough to save it from the gas though. Pic by Anderson Nascimento.

This loris is slow, awww! It rides the short bus!

Holy fuck, this one's eyes are bigger than my face!!! Pic by Anthony Citrano.

The colossal squid has the biggest eyes ever, at 11 inches across. Here is one of its razor-hooked tentacles.

CONCLUSION: the colossal squid is the cutest animal. I don't even need to finish this list. Those other three are going to the pound.

The Right Side of History

I met a traveller from Web 2.0,

Who said that many archived Twitter tweets

Stand unremembered. Where no one will go,

A long-abandoned profile lies, whose bleats,

And Tumblr memes, redolent of BO,

Tell that its sculptor well those passions read

Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,

The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:

And on the pinned tweet fourteen words appear:

"We are #SocJus; listen and believe:

Look on our works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

Nothing beside remains. Round the decay

Of that embarrassment, boundless and bare

The lone and level webs stretch far away.

How to survive a bear attack

After rewatching the greatest and best documentary ever, Grizzly Man, about a guy who goes to live with bears and gets eaten by a bear, I decided to take matters into my own hands and provide people with the safety advice they need to survive against the pressing threat of bears.

1. Stay in the inner cities. Bears are mostly known to associate in forests and other wilderness. Staying in the centre of a large city will almost guarantee no bears. Also, you will far more likely be murdered by gang violence first, which technically counts as surviving the bears.
2. If you are faced with a bear, remember that they mostly only kill and eat people who annoy them, are tasty, make sudden moves, are identifiable as living creatures, or come into their line of sight or smell. If instead you are a lawn decoration or a boat, you should have no problem.
3. As the character Prometheus in Shakespear's Sister's Hamlet once said, "be wary of a quarrel, but being in't be sure that the opposed may be ware of thee". This applies to bears as much as anything. If you can avoid a bear, do so. Otherwise, escalate hostilities to the point of mutually assured destruction. If your opponent pulls a bear on you, whip out a shark.
4. Committing suicide right now would probably ensure you don't get eaten by a bear, unless you live in an area with high bear rates, in which case it might stumble upon your corpse. Suicide isn't recommended, as some argue it's hazardous to your health. On the contrary, statistical analysis proves that deaths among suicides are no higher than deaths among the general population.
5. Some experts will tell you to play dead. Others will tell you that it makes no difference. Some will say climb a tree. Others will point out that trees never stop bears. Shooting the bear may be effective, but may just make it mad. The effects of vigorously masturbating when the bear sees you have not been adequately studied, so give it a go in the name of science.
6. You could do what Troy Hurtabise did and try to build a body armour suit to protect you against bears. Link related describes how when he got to test it in an enclosed space the bear pissed herself out of fear (or laughter), which, while not the object of the exercise, is good enough.

I just wanted to write about bears.