Grammar is the only field in which competence makes you a Nazi.

If you posted an incorrect math problem and somebody corrected you, would you call them a math Nazi? Probably not. Why the indelible connection between writing properly and national socialism? Can anyone help me? No.

Lawson sucks.

Are Mini Boglins the best toy of all?

When I go into a high street toyshop these days all I see are licensed toys: Star Wars Lego and Dora The Explorer Putty and Transformers Transformers. BOO. Forget all that, for in the late 80s and early 90s there was a much better toyline: Mini Boglins.

If my house were on fire, I'd save these first.

"Long ago the Boglins used to live in the Swamp but when the swamp dried up the Boglins had to find a new place to live"

- the official backstory

As you can tell the Boglins lore was artfully minimalistic, just like the rules. Every Boglin tribe was organised into a chief, spy, scout and messenger, as well as four regular Boglins. None of these sets came with the rules though. Some of the Mini Boglins had little stickers on their underside with secret codes that would show up when heated. Unfortunately heating them would also cause them to come off, and none of my surviving Boglins have their codes anymore :( It seems likely that the rules will be forever lost to future generations.

Chiefs were denoted by three horns on their heads. Who would entrust leadership to a guy repeatedly hitting his finger with a hammer? Boglins, that's who.

Tribes included:

• The Clumsies
• The Freaks
• The Greedies
• The Jokers
• The Rude Dudes
• The Tough Guys
• The Disgustings
• The Army Guys
• The Medievals
• The Prehistorics
• The Samurais

Each tribe lived in a different part of the house, like the chimney, or the drains. Further information can be found here.

The tribe I had the most of were the Clumsies, which I think explains my tendency to root for underdogs. Either that, or why I trip over thin air.

Army Guys got the garage, probably because they killed everybody else...

...Except this guy, who killed himself. Hey, kids have to learn about suicide before they find their dad swinging from the fixtures.

Mini Boglins were of course a spinoff of Boglins. I only had one large-sized Boglin, of the kind whose eyes pop out when you squeeze him. The larger Boglins came in plastic cages. I would have included a picture but I can't find him. And that, my friends, is about what you can expect of me.

This small (but not Mini) Boglin lost an eye, so I found another toy to share one with him.

There were others too, including these relatively rare, smaller ones.

I think they were "The Cool Dudes". Everything in the late 80s/90s involved "cool", "dudes" and sunglasses.

But no Boglin article would be complete without the greatest Boglin of all, from the Prehistoric tribe:

In back: a Boglin about to make an unwise decision.

Do you have any Boglins that I'm missing??? Are Boglins ur lief??? Have you ever written to Mattel demanding they produce moar Boglins or you'll top yourself??? That's probably taking it too far!!!

Blunt Force Troma: A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell!!!

Everyone loves Troma, the studio that brought you such all-time classics as The Toxic Avenger, Surf Nazis Must Die, and the tender Tromeo and Juliet. Well, come with me and I shall take you on a journey to the far future of the Tromaverse. Yes, despite being populated by dinosaurs, A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell is actually set in a post-nuclear future, like a much lower-budget Mad Max meets The Valley of Gwangi.

An appropriate response to everything in this movie.

Some questions may inevitably arise, like "what's a nymphoid?" and "what's going on?" Well, dear reader, let me advise you to leave such dreams of enlightenment in the dust where they belong. You'll never find out because there's virtually no dialogue. Fortunately, the DVD in which I got this movie (along with seminal slasher movie Graduation Day, which I'll be getting to later), contains a trailer that elucidates the post-nuclear scenario, because I never would've guessed this wasn't meant to be some sort of prehistoric budget Hyboria.

The back of this box actually gives away the ending of Graduation Day, for even less value!!!

Perhaps the reason it was decided that the movie was set in the future is because the dinosaurs don't really look like anything in particular, and Lloyd Kaufman cares about nothing if not saving you the stress of worrying what species they're supposed to be (this sentence is literally true, because Lloyd Kaufman does not give a fuck).

This was the family dog before the war (srs).

A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell (a title you'll hear several times if you watch the trailer, which I advise you do because it's better than the film) stars "international cult heroine" Linda Corwin as Lea, the nymphoid barbarian of the title. When we meet her she's in the business of running around in a forest, because her family were killed in the war, and she woke up to find herself in Dinosaur Hell!!! IMDb reliably informs me that she's also credited as "Secondary Reptilian Goon", because this production was damned if it wasn't going to get full value for everyone it had to drag out there and feed. It also informs me the movie came out in 1990, which is a good couple of decades more recent than it looks.

Tromaville would come to regret spending its fallout shelter budget on a giant skull-faced castle. Note that the river in this shot is an effect, for no reason.

Anyway, Lea meets a guy named Marn, and because he's not deformed like everybody else, I guess that makes them a match made in Dinosaur Heaven. Marn spends most of the movie trying to save her from the evil, but inept Clon, with little success. She spends more time being rescued by a masked stranger (who perhaps not coincidentally resembles Toxie), and a giant sandworm out of Dune. There's also a man who reads "The Jabberwocky" and carries a gun, but he is of no consequence, and may just have wandered across the set while they were filming.

This movie is to 1 Million Years BC as Bizarro is to Superman: a weird, malformed imitation. The stop motion stuff is fun though. It's also fun to watch Clon bumble about losing limbs and getting brained all over the place. I don't recommend this movie to anyone, but it meets my criteria for notability, which is a wake-up call I shall choose to ignore as my body continues to decay.

The new citizenship test: how worthy are YOU to live near me?

I've decided to start a new country, because all the other ones have failed. Want to join me? You'll have to take the test, because I got here first. Despite not living here before, this test will gauge your knowledge of conditions in my new country, ensuring I'll have lots of space to myself.

Can jet fuel meet steel beams?

Hitler or Gacy: who is the better painter?

Arrange these fecal titles in descending order: shitlord, poop baron, crap count, dookie duke, diarrhoea admiral.

Which is better: And Now The Legacy Begins by Dream Warriors or Junior Citizen by Poster Children?

How many crows are in a mass murder?

If a cat is bicurious, does it die twice?

Who has bigger feet: Bigfoot or two Bigfoots?

Who wants to live in my country?

What I'm saying is, 90s music is best music. #lazy #padding #update