Monday, 28 December 2015

Travel 3: MOAR

There's nothing inside this big pyramid (Memphis, TN).

I'm a bastard who likes to travel. I believe it broadens the mind and teaches you things about the world. This year I returned to one of my favourite cities, Barcelona. BCN is great because it is full of weird shit. Everyone who goes there will remark on the abundance of strange and wonderful things to be found on every corner and in every street.

Raval es mejor barrio.

I like the way that someone's shredded jeanshorts were nailed up here. As a warning? Centrepiece?
Here is an Ashley Madison themed parking garage. Note the addendum (topical at the time the pic was taken), which reads "fuck off, you cheaters".
This was a skull I liked.

Moreover, this is a very exciting and exuberant city because of its active populace and strange rituals. You will never be short of things to do and see.

This is something people do in Barcelona when they're bored. They spin these things with sparks shooting everywhere and you get in like an open air mosh and you try to not get burned (but if you do, even better).
On alternating occasions, Barcelonians parade giant birdcage fairy people around.
And here is a sassy giraffe. Not sure if rad or kind of degenerate.
You saw nothing.

Travelling the world is one of the best things you can do. Research that I can't be bothered to link to suggests experiences are a better investment than things, because they last longer. We should all enjoy the opportunity to travel while we can and see the sights before the clouds break and our civilisation is lost in a tsunami of horror forever.

Friday, 18 December 2015

Monday, 14 December 2015

Deadly Blessing!

Deadly Blessing stars Ernest Borgnine as an Amish-style cult leader and has a scene where a spider falls into Sharon Stone's mouth. This alone makes it better than everything you've watched all year, especially if you're the sort of person who looks forward to Jar Jar Abrams' Star Wars and Zack Snyder's Batman Meets Superman: Dawn of Just Ass.

Say ahh.

The movie opens with a bunch of quintessential Amish imagery and spends the rest of its running time trying to convince everybody that they're not Amish, but "Hittites". The Hittites apparently make the Amish look like pussies, which is a strange thing to say because the Amish are pussies; it's their way of life.

"U wot m8? I'll fuckin' have ya, ya Amish knob!" - Hittite Ernest Borgnine

Since this is a movie of the late, great Wes Craven, someone immediately starts hacking up the cast. Is it the normie family that live beside the Hittite community, and may be in danger of being edged out? Is it Michael Berryman? Naturally Michael Berryman is in this movie because it is awesome. Could it be the Final Girl, or the old lady, or Ernest Borgnine himself? Or is it an evil spirit called...the Incubus???

Michael Berryman is outside your window right now.

There are so many possible suspects and motives, which intertwine with the main slasher plot in all kinds of ways. There's even a forbidden love story between an Amish Hittite boy and a normalfag woman, a full four years before Harrison Ford movie Witness. Did Witness rip off Deadly Blessing? I think you know the answer.

For never was a story of more woe/Than this of English, and her Hittite, Joe.

Yet for all those myriad joys, the best part of the movie concerns Sharon Stone's battle with a barn door that keeps closing on her, finally locking her in the barn where she comically falls face-first into a succession of spider webs, and then a spider falls in her mouth.




"Derp" - Sharon Stone

Actually, I changed my mind, the best part is when Ernest Borgnine fucking beats this kid with a cane for going into "The Forbidden Barn!" Why do you have a forbidden barn, asshole? What a stupid thing to build.





"Spare the rod, spoil the child" - anonymous; good parenting

Wes Craven actually grew up in a sort of cult-like environment. One of the interesting things about him is that he wasn't allowed to watch movies as a kid. Good job, guys. You really put him off that. Maybe the movies were his forbidden barn. Maybe deep thoughts.

Definitely watch Deadly Blessing, it's great.

Friday, 11 December 2015

This man got a neck brace and hasn't looked back since!

It was a pun. There is no man. There's no content either. I'm busy. Go find a ball and play with that. If you can't find a ball, find a hobo instead. He'll have some tales for you.

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Superman always wears red overpants.

Living in the Berenstain Universe, where everything sucks, you may have noticed that contemporary "Superman" depictions have no red overpants. This is one of the many, many, many, many, many reasons I stopped reading comics, and since the depantsing continued into the motion picture maladaptation The Man of Steel, I have considered dropping movies too.

Note that no-pants Superman is technically Bizarro.


Back when comics were good, a run called Superman: Red Son was released which posited the question: what if Superman's rocket had landed in the Soviet Union instead of Kansas? Of course the Ferrous Gentleman was raised as a communist and grew up to become a totalitarian dictator. This Superman did not wear red overpants. His overpants, where he had any, were grey - symbolic of the grim, conformist Hellscape communism wrought.

Contemporary Superman is a communist. This is because he is being written in the Berenstain Universe. Superman's overpants represent his conscience - their colour suppressed in Red Son as under a stifling ideology, and totally absent in the degenerate and nihilistic culture of today. Red Son was a warning about misguided ideals which we have failed to heed.

In 2013, forehead can crushing champion Zack Snyder gave us a movie in which Superman, stripped of the overpants of truth, justice and the American way, fucking murders General Zod by snapping his neck. Batman in The Dark Knight Returns didn't even kill the Joker, who was way more evil than General Zod, a military professional whose only crime in The Man of Steel was to attempt a necessary coup to save his world from destruction.

Some argue that Zack Snyder did this because he is a simpleton who doesn't understand things like character, character arcs, or that slow motion isn't new, or that making everything look visually dark doesn't create dark atmosphere, or that Superman without his red overpants is horribly aesthetically unbalanced, or that the field of design is best left to professionals, or that chopping up the chronology of a movie for no reason doesn't make it better, or that JJ Abrams style lens flare was stupid in Star Trek and is stupid in Superman, or that you can't level a city and expect people to feel like there was a happy ending in your movie, or that Ben Affleck already had a role in Mallrats which was stylised in the opening credits as "Buttman", or that no one likes Zack Snyder.

The Superman cape has a yellow S-shield on the back of it as well. If it doesn't have that it's not Superman. It's another design thing. You can't just take stuff out of a design and add a bunch of lines on it. It doesn't work that way.

Monday, 7 December 2015

The worst bad movies bad movies bad cult movies horror poor direction lame

Hey kids! Who doesn't love bad movies, am I right? Here are some bad movies. Who are you? What are you doing with your life do you even know

Don't Go into the Woods...Alone! is a poor Friday the 13th ripoff with a caveman-looking baddy. The filmmakers didn't know what they were doing and failed to record any usable audio in the field. They had to dub the whole thing and it sucked! It's not enjoyable to watch!!!

A Night to Dismember is a movie which was shot without sound and then dubbed. It's of technically poor quality!!!

Wrong Turn 2 isn't very good at all. It does have a scene where the cannibals force feed human to a vegan, so that's cool.

Halloween 5 felt tired and redundant!!!

Attack of the Clones sucked!!!

Suicide Mouse never actually kills himself!!!

Isn't this fun???????

Fuck you.

Thursday, 3 December 2015

A tedious analysis of the Bat Man Versus Super Man trailer

Batman Vs Superman: Yawn of Justice recently received a brand new trailer which is every bit as lame as the previous one. Beer helmet enthusiast Zack Snyder once again takes the lead as we're subjected to Mark Zuckerberg as Lex Luthor and Ben Affleck as Ben Affleck in a cheap-looking Batman costume. But there's so much more shit.

This is what the movie logo actually looks like. Lens flare by Pkisme.

Let's break it down like a small intestine.


The trailer revolves around Henry Cavill's Clark Kent being introduced to Ben Affleck's Bruce Wayne. Kent asks who Wayne is, making himself look like the dumbest reporter ever, which makes no sense. Clark didn't arrive on Earth last week, he grew up there. This dialogue is so dumb I want to go back in time and stomp on our ancestors as they crawl out of the sea.

They talk interminably about whether Batman being a vigilante is any worse than Superman saving cats from trees. It is, but they're talking about versions of the characters we know from pop culture. Like how in The Man of Steel General Zod's girlfriend wanted to take Lois Lane hostage because she's Superman's girlfriend in some comics that she read. GOD DAMNIT THESE MOVIES FEEL LIKE THEY WERE WRITTEN BY AN EIGHT YEAR OLD.

You might be thinking it's unusual for a blockbuster movie trailer to revolve around a conversation, but it's important for this movie to do a lot of explaining straight off the bat, if you see what I did there. Firstly, the writers have to explain how Batman is the dark one when Superman just murdered a guy by snapping his neck in the last movie. That kind of throws off the dynamic between the two, don't you think? Or wouldn't a competent screenwriter have thought?


























(Sighs internally)



























The other big reveals of the new trailer are a derpy looking Doomsday who looks exactly like the cave troll out of Lord of the Rings, and Wonder Woman, who shows up at the end of the trailer just as she showed up at the end of the creative process because you've got to do something with Wonder Woman. This means that the movie will also have to explain why she sat on her ass and did nothing while Earth was invaded and nearly destroyed by Michael Shannon from the underrated movie Bug.

Because Zack Snyder is a douche, all the characters in this movie come across as assholes. He has also put lens flares in everything, like fellow douche JJ Abrams. Lens flare is now the official Hollywood seal of quality: it means you are in for a humongous turd. Only an asshole would think it looks cool, as evidenced by the two people who do.

Is there hope for a DC Comics cinematic universe?


There is presently no hope for a DC Comics cinematic universe. The Man of Steel, despite all the advantages of perfect casting, a big budget and Chris Nolan showing up to the set once, fucked the pooch without lube and now everything is ruined for at least another generation. "Cinematic universes" are another stupid trend to disguise the fact that Hollywood does not produce original content. When studios promise cinematic universes for properties like Ghost Busters, you realise that they don't understand their IPs, or the nature or purpose of storytelling in our culture. They know seven hundred ways to sell you seven hundred shades of shit, but in the end, it's just shit.

Wednesday, 25 November 2015

The barreleye fish is my only friend.

"Ayy lmao" - the barreleye fish

The barreleye fish has a transparent head, allowing for a great range of movement for its swivelly eyes, pictured above in green. The eyes on the front aren't really eyes, which explains their dopey expression. The barreleye is clearly the fish that likes to get high all the time, and is generally chill. I wish I lived among the barreleyes, far from people who want me to fetch them pastries or sign their kids.

Thursday, 19 November 2015

Happy Kick A Ginger Day!!!

As you know, November 20th is Kick A Ginger Day. Although link related does contain references to a "national" Kick A Ginger Day, this is a festive tradition that is enjoyed all round the world, from the Aborigines of Australia to the Incas of Peru. For legal reasons the site advises that it is a joke and not a real holiday, but I leave it to you to read between the lines.

Concerned parents need not be concerned: there is nothing in the whole Beatles discography that prohibits kicking gingers. Moreover, extensive evidence suggests that, had the goblin fish hair, it would be ginger.

Let's all shun the goblin fish. Photo by Dianne Bray.

So should you kick a ginger? Well all civilisations have their own traditions. In Spain there is an ancient tradition of dropping a goat out of a tower, and the national anthem of Spain translates roughly to "Fuck goats/I hate the goats/I want to drop them out the tower/Because they piss me off so bad".

The solution is obvious: we can save these beautiful creatures and spare gingers from their much-warranted kicking all at the same time, by combining the traditions. Henceforth, Spain shall drop gingers from the towers. Everyone wins.

Friday, 13 November 2015

Thank God It's Friday The 13th: 13 Moar Facts About Jason!!!

At least 100 years ago, I wrote an article all about Crystal Lake's most famous son. Watching the Friday the 13th movies for the 600th time, it occurred to me that there were things I hadn't mentioned, so here they are. Spoilers blah blah blah
  1. Jason doesn't know which side of the machete is the cutting side. He kills two people with the wrong edge of the machete in Part 2, but it works anyway, because he's Jason and he can do anything the script requires him to. Seven films later, he did the same thing again, making it a recurring character trait (intentionally or otherwise).
    Would this hurt more or less than the correct way? Pls comment (it's for a friend).
  2. Jason hates rabbits. Part 3 implies that he killed two rabbits just because he hates them. Part 2 also implied he killed a dog, although Kane Hodder says no, and who are we to argue? Anyway, it's clear that Jason will kill animals, and probably trees and shit, when people aren't around.
  3. Jason's hockey mask was supposed to turn up in the otherwise unrelated Friday the 13th TV series, which would have revealed it to be haunted, possibly by Jason. Since the series premiered in 1987, and The New Blood came out in 1988 (in which the original mask was finally destroyed), this would have meant that the mask that was slated for the final episode was the one from Jason Takes Manhattan. Since the episode never materialised, the haunted mask is presumably still floating around in the New York sewer system.
    They built things to last in those days.
  4. Ever wonder why Jason can be chasing someone one minute and then pop up in front of them the next? Well the director of Jason Takes Manhattan confirmed that it's intentional, it's not a continuity error. This means Jason can canonically teleport, so every time he doesn't it's because he forgot.
  5. Jason's hockey mask always has red markings. If you see a guy in a hockey mask who kills people and never talks but with blue markings, that's Fake Jason from Part 5. Fake Jason is not as good as Jason because when he dies, he doesn't come back. It's heartwarming how much fans want Jason over another guy who does the same exact thing.
  6. Jason is only two degrees removed from Kevin Bacon, as his mother killed the guy in Part 1.
  7. Jason spawned his own merchandising tie-ins in-universe, such as these hockey mask hamburgers. Would you pay more for, say, a Gacy-themed hamburger with ketchup clown makeup? People in Friday the 13th films would, because people in Friday the 13th films don't give a fuck.
    Jason also modelled this poster for the New York tourist board. They b& it.
  8. Contrary to popular belief, Jason has never used a chainsaw, but Ginny from Part 2 chased him with one for a bit, revealing the interesting fact that Jason is afraid of chainsaws.
  9. If you catch Jason between bodies (or, rather, he catches you), he will shave you.
    ???
  10. Jason has spoken once, while in another person's body. He didn't say anything of interest, but it proves he knows how to speak, he just doesn't.
  11. Some people believe Jason's mother brought him back using the Necronomicon Ex Mortis from The Evil Dead, because it can be seen in the Voorhees house in Jason Goes to Hell. This idea would be revisited in the Freddy Vs Jason Vs Ash comics. However, the filmmakers deny it and we know The Evil Dead is just a movie in the Nightmare on Elm Street continuity, which first crosses over with Friday the 13th in JGTH. What this means is that Mrs Voorhess was actually a big fan of the movie Evil Dead, and had procured the prop at great expense.
    Yes.
  12. Jason's father is Elias Voorhees. He was supposed to appear in an early draft of Jason Lives. According to Betsy Palmer's own backstory, Pamela met him in high school. Elias is still alive as far as we know, he just never bothered to call.
  13. According to this thread, Alice may have stolen Mrs Voorhees' ring, thus giving Jason another reason to find and kill her. Sadly this is proven not to be the case: they just had similar rings. But it would be really funny, and when I make my slasher movie series I will definitely have a Final Girl steal a ring from the killer or something.

Did you learn all sorts of things??? Are you spiritually awakened??? Leave a comment so I can be too!!!

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

Seven big-eyed animals that are cuter than your kids!!!

Everyone knows big eyes are the universal symbol for cuteness. Not everyone knows that JFK was murdered by the world central bank.


This puppy's eyes are pretty big. Not big enough to save it from the gas though. Pic by Anderson Nascimento.

This loris is slow, awww! It rides the short bus!

Holy fuck, this one's eyes are bigger than my face!!! Pic by Anthony Citrano.



The colossal squid has the biggest eyes ever, at 11 inches across. Here is one of its razor-hooked tentacles.

CONCLUSION: the colossal squid is the cutest animal. I don't even need to finish this list. Those other three are going to the pound.

Monday, 9 November 2015

The Right Side of History

I met a traveller from Web 2.0,
Who said that many archived Twitter tweets
Stand unremembered. Where no one will go,
A long-abandoned profile lies, whose bleats,
And Tumblr memes, redolent of BO,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:
And on the pinned tweet fourteen words appear:
"We are #SocJus; listen and believe:
Look on our works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that embarrassment, boundless and bare
The lone and level webs stretch far away.


Monday, 2 November 2015

How to survive a bear attack

After rewatching the greatest and best documentary ever, Grizzly Man, about a guy who goes to live with bears and gets eaten by a bear, I decided to take matters into my own hands and provide people with the safety advice they need to survive against the pressing threat of bears.

  1. Stay in the inner cities. Bears are mostly known to associate in forests and other wilderness. Staying in the centre of a large city will almost guarantee no bears. Also, you will far more likely be murdered by gang violence first, which technically counts as surviving the bears.
  2. If you are faced with a bear, remember that they mostly only kill and eat people who annoy them, are tasty, make sudden moves, are identifiable as living creatures, or come into their line of sight or smell. If instead you are a lawn decoration or a boat, you should have no problem.
  3. As the character Prometheus in Shakespear's Sister's Hamlet once said, "be wary of a quarrel, but being in't be sure that the opposed may be ware of thee". This applies to bears as much as anything. If you can avoid a bear, do so. Otherwise, escalate hostilities to the point of mutually assured destruction. If your opponent pulls a bear on you, whip out a shark.
  4. Committing suicide right now would probably ensure you don't get eaten by a bear, unless you live in an area with high bear rates, in which case it might stumble upon your corpse. Suicide isn't recommended, as some argue it's hazardous to your health. On the contrary, statistical analysis proves that deaths among suicides are no higher than deaths among the general population.
  5. Some experts will tell you to play dead. Others will tell you that it makes no difference. Some will say climb a tree. Others will point out that trees never stop bears. Shooting the bear may be effective, but may just make it mad. The effects of vigorously masturbating when the bear sees you have not been adequately studied, so give it a go in the name of science.
  6. You could do what Troy Hurtabise did and try to build a body armour suit to protect you against bears. Link related describes how when he got to test it in an enclosed space the bear pissed herself out of fear (or laughter), which, while not the object of the exercise, is good enough.
I just wanted to write about bears.

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

Let's solve Jack the Ripper!

As you know, I am a fan of Jack the Ripper and associated mythology. I read The Final Solution (which is the one about how the Freemasons did 9/11 to prevent Bongland from finding out the royal family are degenerates), and became fascinated by the stories of Saucy Jacky and his poor spelling.

In this article I will give a token gesture to srs study by omitting the stupidest theories, like Alice in Wonderland author Lewis Carroll did it.


The Crimes


I will be using the "canonical" murders as the only ones that count, those being the murders of Mary Ann Nichols, Annie Chapman, Elizabeth Stride and Catherine Eddowes (the double event), and Mary Jane Kelly. Some people like to think Jack started with Martha Tabram, only later developing his signature style. Others consider Kelly to be someone else's kill due to certain variations on the old MO. Still others contest whether the Ripper was responsible for both parts of the double event, since Stride was not gutted nor strangled. Jack's body count may then be as low as three, if Stride and Kelly were each killed by someone else. Dropping three bodies would only just make Jack count as a serial killer, but in defence of his reputation, I think someone else doing a murder like ten minutes' walk away from his on the same night seems like a pretty big coincidence, and if his alleged correspondence is to be credited, he did tell his dear old boss that he'd do two in one. The objection to Kelly's inclusion is plausible but would require us to identify the copycat as well, and the method of murder bears enough similarities given the difference in location and time available that we can call it Jack's if we want to.




The Usual Suspects


William Henry Bury


Suspected for similarities between the stab wounds found on Polly Nichols and the ones he put in his wife. "Jack Ripper is in this sellar (sic)" was also found written on his door. Hilariously, after turning himself in, and before they hanged him, he would make sulky innuendos to the effect that he was the Ripper, but stopped short of saying it outright, just to spite them.

David Cohen aka The Leather Apron aka Nathan Kaminsky


According to this theory Nathan Kaminsky was mixed up with formerly confirmed Ripper Aaron Kosminski, who was just a window-licker, and was briefly committed to an asylum under the name David Cohen, which was at the time like "John Doe" for Jews. This is a plausible story, but not much seems to be known about Kaminsky otherwise.


Aaron Kosminski


Still a popular subject, Kosminski was institutionalised at the right time for when the murders stopped. He was sometimes said to be violent, and was definitely schizophrenic, because he thought voices were telling him not to eat food that people gave him, and eat bread from the gutters instead. This has nothing to do with his ripping or otherwise, but it does prove one of history's first accounts of someone trolling himself.

Michael Ostrog


Generally ruled out these days, Ostrog was arrested about once a week for petty theft. Such a congenital fuckup was unlikely to avoid capture for the more srs crime of murder.


Nichols

A Midwife Did It


This theory, apparently raised by Inspector Abberline himself* postulates that a midwife could have done the killings as she would have been trusted by the victims, have a reason to be out late at night, and be able to explain blood on her clothes due to her work. This is a cool ass theory, but there's no direct evidence.


Francis Tumblety


Chiefly suspected for the size and sharpness of his moustache, Tumblety was a quack with a perhaps apocryphal affection for collecting uteri and a sizeable case of unwarranted self-importance. It was said that he might have sought revenge on prostitutes because he found out that his wife had been one, which is a fine origin story, but of debatable veracity. He was in England at the time of the murders but fled to America after the end of the canonical murders, and liked to use aliases like a villain in a Sherlock Holmes story.

Dr John Williams


A doctor who seems to have crossed paths with a Mary Kelly and possibly other victims in a professional capacity. He had a knife that matched the description of the murder weapon and was generally a bit of a dick. This is all circumstantial though. It probably wasn't him.


Francis Thompson


A poet who was homeless by the time his work became popular, Francis Thompson studied medicine and liked to write about murdering women, and is thought to have been in Whitechapel at the time of the murders. A great deal of circumstantial detail makes him seem a plausible suspect, but he was left-handed, whereas the Ripper is understood to have been right-handed.


Chapman


Alois Szemeredy


Implicated due to his commission of a similar crime in Buenos Aires, Szemeredy was convicted and committed to a loony bin. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be any evidence that he was in London at the time of the murders.


Robert D'Onston Stephenson


A much-travelled former surgeon hospitalised in Whitechapel at the time of the murders, Stephenson wrote about his own Ripper theories involving killing in a cruciform pattern for black magic purposes, and spoke at such length and in such detail on the killings that people started to suspect him. This theory does require him to have sneaked out of the hospital where he was faking illness, which is farcically absurd and therefore stupid.


James Maybrick


Allegedly wrote a diary all about being the Ripper, which is generally agreed to be a hoax but makes him to this day one of the most discussed suspects. No one will remember you for anything.


Jacob Levy


A Jewish butcher and formerly committed nutter, Levy fit some of the details of the police profile, and may have been observed with Catherine Eddowes by his neighbour Joseph Levy shortly before whacking her. Then again, as we know, the police were useless when it came to keeping track of Jewish names, so maybe it was Joseph that did it. Oy vey.


Stride


Severin Klosowski, or George Chapman


This fuck was named by Abberline himself after he was convicted of poisoning his wives some time pursuant to the five Ripper murders. The problem is that poisoning is a very different way of killing someone as compared to strangling them, slitting their throats and gutting them.


Hyam Hyams


Loopy tune committed to Colney Hatch for stabbing his wife. Few details match eyewitness testimony.


James Kelly


Another cuckoo fruit and nut bar banged up for stabbing his wife, Kelly was sought after the Mary Jane Kelly murder but whether he was even in London is unknown. Rozzers quickly gave up on him and he spent much of the rest of his life waiting around trying to be arrested, and they didn't even bother. That's what you get for being a 19th Century schizoid man.


George Hutchinson


Famous eyewitness who claimed to see Mary Jane Kelly with the Ripper shortly before her death. Some people think he made up his account and some think he did the murders. There's no direct evidence, but people like the character. Claimed to have spent all his money going to Romford, which may be the most suspicious thing about him.


Eddowes (censored for your comfort and convenience)


Carl Feigenbaum


Executed in New York, serial murderer Feigenbaum was connected to the Ripper based on an alleged confession to his lawyer that he suffered from a madness that compelled him "to kill and mutilate the woman that falls in my way". Feigenbaum had been a merchant sailor and the theory goes he would have alighted at the London docks, whacked a hooker or two, and sailed back to Germany, leaving Abberline himself and the rest of the Keystone Kops running round in circles looking for someone who wasn't there. This is a good theory because it's funny, but relies on gaps in the shipping records. Feigenbaum could have been anywhere at the time of the killings, and it's known that the lawyer made up a bunch of bullshit to connect him to other murders around the world that had nothing to do with him or didn't even happen.


Joseph Barnett


Mary Jane Kelly's ex was raised as a suspect on the basis that he resembled eyewitness accounts and might have had access to the room where she was killed. It has been suspected that he may have written the "Dear Boss" letter which introduced the name "Jack the Ripper", and this "trade name" may have referred to his work with fish. Some also believe he only killed Kelly, using the Ripper murders as a cover. This is plausible, particularly as he was observed to be around her in the days immediately prior to her murder. However, this theory still leaves the OG Jack unaccounted for.


Montague John Druitt


Seemingly considered a suspect on the basis of suspicious innuendo, Druitt became an hero shortly after the killings, providing a possible explanation for why they stopped - if it was him. No direct evidence supports him as a suspect.


Someone Else


It is very possible that it was someone else entirely. London is very big and lots of people live there, and Whitechapel at the time was a crowded slum. It may be that the Ripper is someone everyone has overlooked both then and now. This idea isn't taken very seriously by Ripperologists because that would be history cheating, and an unwinnable game is a broken game, and should be scorned.


Kelly (everyone's favourite)


Elimination


I believe out of the suspects presented here, the only likely options are Bury, Kaminsky, Tumblety, Levy, Barnett and Someone Else. The most compelling case against Barnett hinges on his relationship with Kelly, which inclines me to think if he were guilty it would be of the Kelly murder only. If that were the case, Bury, Kaminsky, Tumblety or Levy could have been the original Jack. A lot of the case against Tumblety rests on hearsay, and there is not enough information to confirm the Kaminsky/Kosminski switcherooni, which leaves Bury and Levy the most likely candidates for the original Ripper. Both are good, but Bury closely resembles the FBI profile. He was confirmed out all night every night there was a murder, and he fucked off posthaste as soon as the heat intensified. He even had items reminiscent of trophies taken from the victims, like the rings missing from Chapman. And he had butcher experience, just like Levy.

The cases against Kaminsky and Levy are plausible because of the paucity of detail which surrounds them. Knowing more might implicate them to a greater degree or rule them out entirely. The case against Bury is strong because of positively determined facts. Bury is therefore the most likely Ripper, and the one who shall be starring in my next opus, "Whitechapel!: A Musical Comedy Extravaganza", starring Neil Patrick Harris. Look for it.

Think you know better than me who Jack the Ripper was? Leave a comment, butt head.

*In Ripperology, Abberline is always referred to with "himself", because he was clearly very important despite failing to catch the killer. If you don't call him "himself", you will be excommunicated from Ripperology.

Saws: http://www.casebook.org/suspects/

Monday, 26 October 2015

The Poughkeepsie Tapes!!!

Thought you ran out of good horror movies years ago? Never seen a good found footage movie after The Blair Witch Project? Under 6 feet tall? Then you might just be a disgusting manlet that should be exterminated from the gene pool.

The Poughkeepsie Tapes was never released, lending credence to the conspiracy theory that Hollywood is this bad intentionally and scuppers anything good on purpose because Hollywood hates you. This theory is true, but fortunately you can probably find a copy on line. The first version I saw I immediately realised this was the horror movie I had been missing all these years, but the uploader CUT THE GOD DAMN ENDING OFF. Anyway, it was really good. WATCH IT.

For those of you PEASANTS who don't know, The Poughkeepsie Tapes is about a serial killer in New York State who seems to be loosely based on Ted Bundy (who even gets a shoutout in the movie), the Zodiac Killer and the fictionalised Henry Lee Lucas from Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (like whom he switches up his MO to confuse everyone). He videotapes all his kills (for he is in the 90s, I think), and wears this beaky mask thing just for jolly wouldn't you?

But perhaps the most interesting part of the movie concerns what I'll call his favourite victim. I won't give away what happens to her, but it's quite unlike what happens to most characters in horror movies, and confers a note of poignancy which makes the whole experience more interesting. Watch The Poughkeepsie Tapes, and sort out your life, in either order.

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Starwars 7 will be stupid and lame.

So the new trailer confirms everything I knew would happen about Starwars 7: The Goatse Widens. Jar Jar Abrams has apparently directed the film in the same visual style as his last act of necrophilia, the Startrek reboot. This looks awkward and shitty, and not like the Starwars of the 1970s and 80s, when the series was good.

If you watch the movies from the 80s you'll notice they are elegantly shot and edited, making use of space, mood lighting and shit like that. The new trailers show that the new film looks ugly and fakey-fake and has too many medium closeups and closeups. The storm troopers are standing around in like a well lit space, which isn't very threatening, and basically everything sucks.

We know from interviews that Abrams is aware of how much everyone hated his shitty lens flares in Startrek, so including them in this new Starwars movie can only be interpreted as a gesture of spite toward his audience, most of whom will still pay to see the movie anyway because they like the abuse.

The old people from the original movies still just look like old people. There's generally a good reason characters don't age that much in like comics and shit like that. It's because characters in fun escapist movies getting old is sad and depressing. But this trailer doesn't have a fun escapist tone to it, so I don't know. Maybe it's an art house movie about Alzheimer's.

Everything in the trailer looks like a copy of a copy. There are no new, interesting ideas and you can tell because the only thing anyone's been talking about is that there's a woman and a black guy in the movie, even though there have literally always been women and black people in Starwars movies. This small detail hasn't stopped the filmmarketeers (for this is what they are) from smelling their own farts all over the interview circuit.

Nobody will like this movie. Everyone will feel hollow and dead on the inside after seeing it, despite all pretence to the contrary. That's because they are dead; listless consumer zombies shambling pointlessly between one gaudy beacon of hype to the next in the horrific wasteland of our lives....

Wednesday, 14 October 2015

I literally looked up how big you have to be to be a giant.

<4'10" = midget. 4'11" - 5'11" = manlet. 6' - 7' = normal. >7' = giant.

However, you must also check your BMI to make sure you're not a fatty.

<18.5 = underweight. 18.5 - 24.9 = normal. 25 - 29.9 = overweight. 30 - 39.9 = Siamese twins. >40 = Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

The category of "obese" has now been replaced by "Siamese twins" because based air lines make fat monsterpeople pay for two seats when they fly, which means that they are legally two people.

Did you like these science facts??? Leave a comment if you want more.

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

The Legend of Storybook Vale

Hey kids it's time for a story.

Once upon a time, Papa Bear and his wife, Tallulah Bear (Mama Bear had left him in the winter of '06) were chopping wood outside Bear Manors, Storybook Vale. It was late and it was getting dark. The sun was sinking behind the two mountains at the foot of the vale. "Say, Tallulah Bear", said Papa Bear, "it's getting awfully late in Storybook Vale. Time to tuck the kids in for the night".
"Oh Papa Bear", said Tallulah, "what a nice life we live in Storybook Vale".

So Tallulah Bear went to check on Son Bear, ensuring that his sheets were straight and his toys were safely tucked away. "I love you Son", she said.
"I love you too, Tallulah", he said.

Then Papa Bear went to see Daughter Bear and patted her head and made sure that her hot water bottle was piping hot. "I love you Daughter", he said.
"I love you too, Papa", she said.

Then Papa and Tallulah Bear went into Baby Bear's room. Baby Bear was nowhere to be seen. The air was still and cold, dead like a tomb. It was as if Baby had never lived; had been erased from the record of history. Tallulah ran to the bed and threw her arms across the empty sheets. They felt as cold as a mortuary slab. Papa stumbled, dazed, too shocked and numb to cry, into the little bathroom. There, in a childlike hand on the mirror, were the words: THIS IS THE WAY OF ALL FLESH.

Tallulah sobbed into the cold, empty bed. Her tears soaked the sheets. Papa walked out, his face drained of all hope and purpose. He stood by her, but he could not even reach out to comfort her. His whole body felt numb. Tallulah had sunk into the sheets, her face melting into her own morass of tears. Her tear ducts squeezed themselves dry, then they squeezed some more, until the pain blinded her even from her grief.

Papa Bear walked back to the bathroom. There, behind the mirror, he took out a bottle of pills. Not glancing at the label, he emptied the bottle into his mouth, and he lay down in the tub. The horror overwhelmed him.

Black and purple swirled before his eyes, like shadows of unnamed and shapeless things on the cave walls of his eyelids; of terrors too real to be countenanced by mortal reason. Down and down he sank into oblivion. He had felt loss before, and it had dragged his whole being down to the pit of his stomach, where it sat, empty, hollow. This time, it was as though the bottom of his stomach had given way, and he fell endlessly, without hope of adjustment, nowhere to ever find a foothold in his endless and utter desolation. His soul had been annihilated, but the pieces were not allowed to rest.

When he opened his eyes, all about him was dark, but he saw in the frightened greenish bluey whites of night vision, as though some outer aid permitted him the means to see. Down endless hexagonal staircases he walked, his feet, unfeeling, treading surer than a mountain goat's. Torches burned in rusted brackets on the walls, their fire lightless, as void of colour as his life. From far below he heard the sounds of tortured screams, and didn't even fear to tread toward them.

In the deepest cellar of the windowless descent, he came upon a living carpet. Mantises and double-ended rats cavorted among stranger things. A starfish opened human lips to sing, and all that spilled forth was insanity. Arms grasped and writhed from cracks in the stone floor. A dog that ate itself from its tail upwards stopped and regarded him with the eyes of an owl. Gold flowed liquid through the sprawling mass of crystallised madness. A shape flexed and distorted into endless facets in the thick, black air before his face, and in each of its faces he saw Tallulah, the Queen of Tears, from whose ducts flowed the oceans of the world.

He pressed on through the madness, the back halves of vermin fused together stumbling and warring with themselves to get out of his way as he stepped. Strings of intestines, molten effluent chugging its way down them, hung from the shapeless ceiling, but he scarcely noticed them. Through doors of breathing, sighing glass, onward he pushed. Blind old men in rags turned their unseeing heads up at him as they sat chained to the living floor.

Finally he came to a chamber entirely made of mouths. Where they led to, he could not see through the gloom, but all at once they spoke to him. "I am Y'thdrognorg", they said, some in a whisper, some in the tortured shrieking of prisoners from some dank dungeon of the Dark Ages. "I am the carer and guardian at the gates that lead to the dream-mind of that Mad God whose name I cannot speak".
Papa Bear nodded. "What has brought me here?" he said, emotionless. A rat with heads at both ends nuzzled at his collarbone, but he ignored it.
"I was sent to tend to the insane one's fitful waking", said Y'thdrognorg. "I am not the taker of your child, but even now it walks among your fellows in the living-world of Storybook Vale".
"What is it?" Papa Bear said, a faint quintessence of emotion stirring in his depths, as if from a forgotten life.
"It is impossible to pronounce its name in ways that you can hear, little one", said the many mouths of Y'thdragnorg, "but in your language it is called the erasure of the innocents".
"How will I know it?" said Papa Bear. "How will I see?"
"Things such as this are not meant to be in your world. By its wrongness, you will know it."

Papa Bear wept then, and so many tears flowed from his eyes that they flooded the chamber of Y'thdragnorg. There were more tears even than Tallulah had cried, for Papa Bear had not wept for many years more than her. The flood carried him up, up the long stairways that he had descended, ever up into the light.

When Papa Bear awoke, all was as he had left it. Tallulah still sobbed into the bed, now little more than mush. But something else was stirring in the house, and now where it had been forever, he could see it anew: a great beak protruding from the floor, that clacked open and shut, eyeless spiderlings jumping from it, snapping mandibles at the sad world.

Papa Bear went outside into the cool night and hefted the axe from the woodpile. As he turned back to the house, he saw the creature standing there, impossibly in a doorway that was smaller than itself. On either side of its beak camera lenses whirred and refocussed. Vestigial forelimbs grasped feebly at the air, protruding from its breast. Great blue wings stemmed from its back. Its legs were spindly and long.

"I know who you are now", said Papa Bear, and he hefted the axe above his head. The creature cocked its head and suckers opened up on its scabrous neck. Papa struck, again and again, driving it back into the hall of his dwelling. Son and Daughter stood in their doorways, eyes and mouths open, but Papa did not notice, and if he did, he cared not. The creature squawked and lashed at him with its sharp parrot's beak, drawing blood from his arms and shoulders, but he was a bear, and this only enraged him further. "Die", he said, and the monster buckled before him. Neighbours now were at the door but Papa was oblivious, and what they saw they would never again be able to describe. Finally it stumbled, its legs giving out beneath it, and Papa Bear raised his axe to strike the killing blow.

"This is for Baby Q. Bear", he spat, and cleft the thing in half.

Morning came quietly behind him. No one said a word. The erasure of the innocents lay dead, cockroaches spilling from each gash in its twisted corpse. Already crows were descending to tear at its suppurating flesh. Papa would drag it out and burn it, but for now his strength was spent.

That evening, he returned to Y'thdragnorg, leading Tallulah behind him. Her eyes were red and bloody now, a thin trickle of blood mixed with the water that had soaked back into her skin from the bed now made a pink stain that gave her an unearthly appearance. Papa led her gently to the chamber, where the many mouths had ingested the water from his tears.

"I will take her into me and care for her", said Y'thdragnorg. Papa nodded. Tallulah's mind was gone. This ancient, used to dealing with the madness of a deity, could care for her in ways that he could not. He watched her be swallowed up with nothing, no feeling at all, a spent battery.

It would take many years for Storybook Vale to recover from the terror that had befallen it that night. But the legend remained, and forever after, the folk of the Vale told it in whispers, until it passed into the folklore recorded here.

Did you like my story??? Feel free to use it with your own kids!!! Pls give feed back!!!!×ΓΈ®┴»