Told you.

Get

rekt

Jar Jar

Star Wars 7 was a remake of the first one and was shit, as I predicted.

The worst bad movies bad movies bad cult movies horror poor direction lame

Hey kids! Who doesn't love bad movies, am I right? Here are some bad movies. Who are you? What are you doing with your life do you even know

Don't Go into the Woods...Alone! is a poor Friday the 13th ripoff with a caveman-looking baddy. The filmmakers didn't know what they were doing and failed to record any usable audio in the field. They had to dub the whole thing and it sucked! It's not enjoyable to watch!!!

A Night to Dismember is a movie which was shot without sound and then dubbed. It's of technically poor quality!!!

Wrong Turn 2 isn't very good at all. It does have a scene where the cannibals force feed human to a vegan, so that's cool.

Halloween 5 felt tired and redundant!!!

Attack of the Clones sucked!!!

Suicide Mouse never actually kills himself!!!

Isn't this fun???????

Fuck you.

The British rail network is a joke.

Video: a train recently leaking. Britain confirmed for third world country.

The rail network in Britbongistan is the oldest in the world and runs like it hasn't been updated since. Delays of anything from half an hour to several hours are considered normal, carriages are generally overcrowded, and there's always some old hag reading the Daily Mail. It's getting so bad that this generation of Britbongs don't even know simple rules of Bongish etiquette, like never sit next to or opposite someone. When I were a lad (I were never a lad), up to two thirds of a carriage's inhabitants would stand to avoid the terrible awkwardness of sitting next to someone. Diagonal was acceptable, but still frowned on, as it should be.

I was at a station recently where we weren't sure which of two late trains would arrive first, and on which platform. When we asked a worker which way we should gamble, she said "stay at the top of the stairs, and whichever one gets in first, run for it".

Do you remember when people in the 20th Century thought the 21st would be like the Jetsons? But instead, it was like the Flintstones.

I think we should add up all the times trains are delayed, and for every twenty-four hours of delay-time, we should keel-haul Richard Branson behind one of his shit-ass trains for ten minutes. I think this would see a dramatic improvement, but the government has yet to reply to my letters :(

Academia is carving out new frontiers in flimflam and chicanery.

Have Hugh ever wondered how to write an academic paper? What with the vertiginous standards of contemporary writing out there, no one would blame you for feeling intimidated out of it:

Real.

As you can see, this is real cutting-edge stuff. But don't be discouraged: with a bit of coaching, you too can write important essays on identity cults and the narcissists who love them. Follow these six simple steps to ensure your intellectual prolapse will pass for the real thing.

• Add "-ness" to words that don't end in -ness. Examples could include "unknowableness" or  even "being-ness". "Otherness" is a must.
• Always remember to pluralise words that don't need to be plural, in such a way as to imply that there are subtle differences within and around a concept that only you can understand. For example, never speak of "postmodernism" but "postmodernisms". Use this even with collective terms like "public" (publics). If you combine this with the above tactic, you score a combo which is worth at least 1000 ticks. Be sure to write about "Blacknesses" and "subjectivenesses" for mad approval.
• Find someone who is different from you and accuse them of "othering" you (or the minority you purport to speak for, if you're feeling in the mood for condescending to yet another group that are unlike you). If you do this quickly and stridently enough, nobody will notice that you are the only one "othering" people by bringing up irrelevant details about them like their sex or hair colour.
• Make sure to "reclaim" words like "bitch" and "queer" so you can pretend to be rebellious while getting headpats from a quintessentially establishment institution. I remember when I first learned that "queer theory" was used by professionals. You might as well call it "bumming studies". Troll academics by pointing out that this is cultural appropriation of black people, who invented reclaiming so they would have something to rhyme with trigger in their rap songs.
• Never write in the first person, as this makes it too obvious that everything you're saying is your unexamined left-lib prejudices. Instead of removing your ass-ignorant worldview from your writing, just remove all references to "I", "me" and "mine" (this is what academics actually teach).
• Astute readers will note that all this stuff relates to form and style. This is because the substance of academic writing ceased to be important in, like, probably the 50s. No one cares, for instance, that Hamlet is all about Shakespear's Sister's depression over their dead son, the decline of empire, and the existential horror of not knowing what comes after death. Is Hamlet gay? Does he exhibit othernesses? Academia demands to know.

If you but follow these few steps, you'll soon be well on your way to balding, supercilious glory.

Lawson sucks.

My predictions for the new Star Wars movie!!!!

Hello everyone!!! It's me, your favourite bastard!!! Today I will be talking about a very important news topic: the new Star Wars trailer!!!! This is important because lots of people like The Star Wars, even though it hasn't been good since 1983, when I was six!!!!!

When the first teaser trailer was revealed, in 1987, scary people who think they're going to marry Chewbacca or something dumb like that got super excited because the trailer had storm troopers in it, which is like watching the trailer for The Harry Potter and being excited that it has wizards in it, except stupider. Also some guy had a light sabre with a cross guard. I think his name was Darth Toyline.

The reason sequels to movies from 2000 years ago don't work is cause you finished the arc. Luke Sky Walker's arc concluded in Episode 8, when he fucking killed Darth Vader. Han Solo's arc killed all those Nazis. Carrie Fisher got into meth or something. There's no story left to tell. Mad Max completed his arc in Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior, where he found redemption and a sense of purpose by killing gay bondage pirates. That's why The Thunder Dome was such a disappointment that I tried to hang myself (it didn't work: security asked me to leave the mall). By the way, I hope The Mad Max 4: The Fury Road doesn't suck!!!!!

The other reason The Star Wars Episode 4: The The Force Awakens is going to be rubbish is because it's made by JJ Abrams, who is a very talented filmmaker who turned The Star Trek from a utopian fable about people of all races pioneering across the universe into The Die Hard 4: Ugly Lighting, Too Many Closeups, Lens Flare And Pandering. In case you don't remember, that was the movie where Captain Kirk meets Dr Spock by running into a random ice cave.

Which is the gheyest politically correct term?

Hi everybody. My favourite politically correct term is "differently abled". This is a good and accurate term for people in wheelchairs: look at Professor X, he can read minds.

But not all politically correct terms are as on point as this. Take for example the term "people of colour". This is quite obviously just the old racist term "coloured people", they just changed the order of the words around. This is like calling a gay guy a "person of faggotry". I think politically correct people don't realise that that's how stupid that is, because their orthodoxy has eroded their brains like Creme Eggs erode teeth. Creme Eggs must only be eaten frozen. Put them in the freezer, they taste better. Be careful though: they may chip your teeth if you bite down on them like a dummy.

Sometimes "people of colour" is shortened to "POC", because nothing encapsulates respect for peoples' unique cultures and heritage like lumping them all in a homogeneous mass of not-whiteyness, and then reducing them to an acronym. If politically correct people were in charge of Hallmark, your happy retirement card would read "you're going to die soon", and they'd spend your retirement party bringing it up to everyone to tell them not to bring it up.

If this dystopia ever ends, history will look back on political correctness as a long, unbroken string of idiots shooting themselves in the foot for no reason, by first declaring pre-established terminology offensive, and then replacing it with something even worse, while the rest of us sat around wondering why you would need to invent ugly euphemisms for human beings in the first place.

Body positivity: a srs movement for srs times.

Today I'd like to taek a minute of your time to talk about a very important aspect of modern faith called "body positivity". If you are like me (likely), you got this wrong, so here are some tips for you on things to avoid:

Apparently this is doing it wrong. Although intuitive, this expression of positivity toward a body is frowned upon among the body positivity community. It's important to be warned of this before you go digging up corpses to post to body positivity forums. Or not, whatever.

Bodies of work are also a no-no, as they would require reading to appreciate. NOT EVERYONE CAN READ, SHIT LORD.

Remember Jessica Biel (2003)? That was cool.

Apparently this is also doing it wrong. My mistake here was to be positive about someone's body that isn't hugely fat like Jabba the Hutt. Some people argue that this movement is as stupid as pro-ana (trolling kids by telling them to be anorexic), as it also causes the impressionable to recklessly damage their health while acting smug about it (at least, as smug as a great big giant fat blob can act). These people are wrong, for reasons noone understands, but everybody takes for granted.

Show your support for body positivity in the comments!!!

Nothing is good anymore.

I was looking over trailers for upcoming movies recently, and I realised that an important strain or permutation of the filmic form has died: the good ones. I don't want to see anything that's coming out this year. Looking at everything else there is to do, I noticed the same trend: there are no comics I want to read, no paintings I want to look at, and no games I can afford (because I am a hobo).

I need the hype machine to tell me which show is the next Breaking Bad, and even then I won't watch it until it has enough episodes for me to binge. I've given serious thought to leaving my house and taking a walk in the park or something.

I think the reason everything sucks now is that everything is so politicised and fashion-conscious, and is greenlit by coked-up psychopaths who won't take risks because if they don't make enough profit they won't be able to buy a third helicopter, and then they'd have to make do with two.

It's possible that everything good has already been made, in which case all we need to do is mine the good stuff out of the past, until someone gets a new idea, if possible. That would make me so happy I'd blink.

James Bond is the worst special agent ever.

Since the title of the new James Bond film has now been released (SPECTRE), it seems like a fine opportunity to recap on the series so far. The doctors say this will be good for me ("whatever" was the word they used). This article will contain SPOILERS for the last three James Bond films.

Since Daniel Craig took over the role of James Bond in the 1967 comedy Casino Royale, starring Woody Allen, the world's most famous spy has failed to complete any of his missions, making him the British government's version of Team Rocket. Despite this, MI6 continues to employ him, sending him on mission after mission with all the dogged determination and shit-eating optimism of a gambling addict.

So in Casino Royale, Bond's first job is to capture a bomb-maker, which he seeks to achieve, Tom and Jerry style, by chasing him up a construction site. This chase ends when the terrorist hops a wall into a foreign embassy. Understanding the need for diplomacy, Bond backs out and informs M, who puts the squeeze on the ambassador to remand the terrorist into British custody. O WATE KNO. Instead, he hops in, murders the guy, and then flees like a buffoon. Presumably for several hours the foreign country gears up for war with Britain, until M is able to placate them.

Realising he nearly started a war just to kill a guy he was supposed to bring in alive, and therefore needs to stay on M's good side, he does the only appropriate thing, and breaks into her house like a burglar.

It's not even as if the screenwriters didn't realise that Bond was a colossal fuckup, as they then have M chastise him for these very reasons. Except rather than fire his incompetent, felonious ass like any normal person, she then gives him an even bigger mission. There's no reason for this: he isn't even James Bond yet, as this was his first mission. Is M supposed to be senile in the script? You or I could get fired for being late one time. James Bond can start a war, kill the guy he was supposed to capture, ensuring that an entire terrorist network goes free, and go on his merry way. What the fuck, M.

So then he's sent to bring in another guy, the guy that bleeds out his eyes. How does this guy not die all the time? I don't know. Anyway, again, it's essential to the mission that he bring this fucker back alive. The government also spot him a bunch of money to bet at poker, in what is easily the longest and most boring sequence ever filmed. Long story short, Bond loses all the money, gets the target of his operation killed, fails to spot that his lady friend is a double agent, and gets her killed too before she can tell him anything about the people she works for.

Why the fuck is this goober still employed? But to be ridiculously fair, this was his first two missions. So maybe he'll have gotten better by the second filO WATE KNO.

Quantum of Solace has our Inspector Clouseau stand-in bring home his one prize, a Mr White, to be interrogated. Instead of taking this dangerous criminal to a secure holding cell, he hauls him up in front of M. If M were as smart as, say, the mayor from The Naked Gun, she might well say, "are you crazy? Why have you brought this bleeding-ass terrorist into my office like a dummy?"

But she's nowhere near that smart, and in any case it doesn't matter, as her secretary then reveals himself to be a double agent and starts shooting everyone, allowing Mr White to escape. Did M hire this guy as well as Bond? Did she hire the double agent lady from the last flick? Is there a pattern we can discern here, like one of those magic eye puzzles, if we just stare at it for long enough?

So anyway, in the confusion, Mr White escapes, and Bond is powerless to overtake this limping gunshot victim. Possibly to get rid of him, M then sends him to Bolivia or some shit, where he has to uncover QUANTUM, a secret organisation whose name stands for BORING. Once again the film ends with Bond choosing for no reason to kill the bad guy who could have told him all he needed to know about the terrorist organisation. Is FUCKING BOND A DOUBLE AGENT TOO? At this point that would make more sense.

Then in part three, Skyfall, Bond has to recapture a device that gives the bad guys full knowledge of everyone in MI6. I don't know why such a device exists, but anyway. Naturally, he fucks up and gets shot in the heart and falls into the river, which counts as a pretty good day for him in these movies. The rest of the movie is spent trying to protect M from another agent she hired; a task at which he also fails, not only letting M die, but destroying his own mansion in the process.

I'll be honest with you, when I first saw these movies, I thought they sucked. But looking at them in a different light, I think they're brilliant. As a satirical portrayal of systematic incompetence they're up there with 4 Lions and Dr Strangelove. Maybe M's hiring practices are based on nepotism or something. Anyway, here's hoping Bond gets even one thing right in SPECTRE. That would be so unexpected I might just stop huffing CO2.

Spam callers keep arguing with me :(

A spam caller just called to ask if I was my dad. I told him no, and THE FUCKER ARGUED WITH ME. He said "you SOUND like Mr. Bastard". When did Poirot get a job at a call centre?

This isn't the first time this has happened either. Another caller went through a checklist of family members before asking, triumphantly, "are you a robber in the house?" Busted.

Are spam callers bullying anyone else? Are they going to take my lunch money over the phone? Are these people deranged? I don't know. Are we witnessing an escalation of rage in society? Did I deserve it? What's going on? Leave a comment (on the Samaritans' voicemail).

Update: it is happening again.

Travel broadens the mind (Warrington kills it).

Ever since the womb, I've hated flying. Flying is when you wait twelve hours to get shoved into less space than a bus, between a great big fat person and the one window seat that doesn't have a window, only after getting molested by jackbooted throwbacks who used to beat you up in school. I'd rather travel by Cuban refugee boat: seventeen twigs held together with rubber bands and prayer and a crew of wild-eyed desperadoes paddling with their dicks. The good news is, flying can take you to places in other countries, specifically that aren't Warrington.

Vans around the world: New York and Barcelona. Note that in Spain, Garfield bears the eight-pointed Star of Chaos.

Everywhere I've been around the world has had something interesting to show, except Warrington. Some have thought-provoking art and history, others beautiful scenery, or unique culture, or wildlife, or even inexplicable craziness like this:

Berlin statues, left to right: Boy staring melancholically at armadillo; holy shit!

Dicks on sale in Barcelona.

Even cool things can be found in unexpected places: Green River, Utah, which is basically a truck stop, five houses and two joggers (source) has a sweet cool museum about John Wesley Powell, the one-armed Confederate Civil War veteran who mapped the Colorado River, losing nearly all his crew in the process. This is exactly the kind of thing you could drive past and never know.

Pictured: Green River + entire population.

The great mad bastard himself.

Warrington is the worst place on Planet Earth. In a survey of over 100 squirrels, not one person recommended Warrington as a tourist destination. The only recognisable picture of Warrington you'll ever see is of these big gates:

Looks impressive...until you go there, and there's nothing to either side of them. Spread the word: Warrington crops.

Warrington's top attraction.