Star War The Third Gathers: Backstroke of the West!

As you know, Star Wars Rogue One: A Star Wars Story is out now. I have seen the webm of Darth Vader killing people with his laser sword, and it is much as you'd imagine.

Since any Star Wars post-Jedi fellates prostate, I suggest you watch, instead, the massively improved Episode Three dub, Backstroke of the West.

I know this has been around literally forever, but I never bothered to see it until recently. It makes that /tv/ prequels-as-kino meme real.

Told you.

Get

rekt

Jar Jar

Star Wars 7 was a remake of the first one and was shit, as I predicted.

Starwars 7 will be stupid and lame.

So the new trailer confirms everything I knew would happen about Starwars 7: The Goatse Widens. Jar Jar Abrams has apparently directed the film in the same visual style as his last act of necrophilia, the Startrek reboot. This looks awkward and shitty, and not like the Starwars of the 1970s and 80s, when the series was good.

If you watch the movies from the 80s you'll notice they are elegantly shot and edited, making use of space, mood lighting and shit like that. The new trailers show that the new film looks ugly and fakey-fake and has too many medium closeups and closeups. The storm troopers are standing around in like a well lit space, which isn't very threatening, and basically everything sucks.

We know from interviews that Abrams is aware of how much everyone hated his shitty lens flares in Startrek, so including them in this new Starwars movie can only be interpreted as a gesture of spite toward his audience, most of whom will still pay to see the movie anyway because they like the abuse.

The old people from the original movies still just look like old people. There's generally a good reason characters don't age that much in like comics and shit like that. It's because characters in fun escapist movies getting old is sad and depressing. But this trailer doesn't have a fun escapist tone to it, so I don't know. Maybe it's an art house movie about Alzheimer's.

Everything in the trailer looks like a copy of a copy. There are no new, interesting ideas and you can tell because the only thing anyone's been talking about is that there's a woman and a black guy in the movie, even though there have literally always been women and black people in Starwars movies. This small detail hasn't stopped the filmmarketeers (for this is what they are) from smelling their own farts all over the interview circuit.

Nobody will like this movie. Everyone will feel hollow and dead on the inside after seeing it, despite all pretence to the contrary. That's because they are dead; listless consumer zombies shambling pointlessly between one gaudy beacon of hype to the next in the horrific wasteland of our lives....

My predictions for the new Star Wars movie!!!!

Hello everyone!!! It's me, your favourite bastard!!! Today I will be talking about a very important news topic: the new Star Wars trailer!!!! This is important because lots of people like The Star Wars, even though it hasn't been good since 1983, when I was six!!!!!

When the first teaser trailer was revealed, in 1987, scary people who think they're going to marry Chewbacca or something dumb like that got super excited because the trailer had storm troopers in it, which is like watching the trailer for The Harry Potter and being excited that it has wizards in it, except stupider. Also some guy had a light sabre with a cross guard. I think his name was Darth Toyline.

The reason sequels to movies from 2000 years ago don't work is cause you finished the arc. Luke Sky Walker's arc concluded in Episode 8, when he fucking killed Darth Vader. Han Solo's arc killed all those Nazis. Carrie Fisher got into meth or something. There's no story left to tell. Mad Max completed his arc in Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior, where he found redemption and a sense of purpose by killing gay bondage pirates. That's why The Thunder Dome was such a disappointment that I tried to hang myself (it didn't work: security asked me to leave the mall). By the way, I hope The Mad Max 4: The Fury Road doesn't suck!!!!!

The other reason The Star Wars Episode 4: The The Force Awakens is going to be rubbish is because it's made by JJ Abrams, who is a very talented filmmaker who turned The Star Trek from a utopian fable about people of all races pioneering across the universe into The Die Hard 4: Ugly Lighting, Too Many Closeups, Lens Flare And Pandering. In case you don't remember, that was the movie where Captain Kirk meets Dr Spock by running into a random ice cave.

Bastard role models: Jabba the Hutt

My role model is Jabba the Hutt.

Some people think Jabba the Hutt is a vile gangster, but I think Jabba the Hutt has many good qualities that make him suitable to manage the Tatooine underworld and be my role model.

Jabba the Hutt managed to earn respect and live in a giant space palace despite two very significant handicaps: he couldn't speak English, and he was too fat to move. He also showed his willpower by seeing right through Luke’s Jedi mind trick, which is essential for good management. Jabba the Hutt was also an equal opportunities employer: his staff included pig-faced orcs, that guy with the tail on his head, Salacious Crumb, a blue elephant and many more.

Jabba the Hutt also took an active role in preserving the landmarks of Tatooine, like that giant mouth in the desert. Jabba the Hutt kept it well fed with his prisoners. How else was the mouth going to sustain itself? Did it just wait for space camels or whatever to wander into it? That’s just stupid.

In conclusion, I think we should all be more like Jabba the Hutt. He’s a conscientious employer, cares for the environment, and knows how to accessorise his slave girls. I wish Jabba the Hutt was my dad.