On Her Majesty's Secret Service

Because we live in the tiresome era of hipsters chasing clout, George Lazenby stinkbomb On Her Majesty's Secret Service has recently become a fashionable favourite among the douchebag crowd. Liking this mess is an instant tell for a pseud, don't even @ me.

Numales will defend this.

The plot involves, boringly, Telly Savalas trying to destabilise British agriculture with a foot-and-mouth-style pathogen disseminated by a squad of brainwashed 60s hairdos. This is such a step back from hijacking spaceships from a volcano I think even with a decent Bond it would have been a letdown, but it gets stupider. George Lay-Z-Boy has to go undercover as a boring nerd, which is up there with casting Arnold Schwarzenegger as an emotionless robot in terms of making the best out of casting, to establish whether or not Savalas is really Blofeld, posing as a count with a suspiciously similar name like he wants to get caught.

What is this stupid fucking doily thing meant to be?

This is dumb for at least two reasons: one is that if Bond is meant to be the same person as last time, Blofeld would immediately recognise him. There's a pre-title gag where Lay-Z-Boy sort of winks to the audience that he's not the "other guy" so I guess maybe he isn't, but if that's the case then why can't Miss Moneypenny and M tell the difference? There's an old fan theory that "James Bond" is just a codename given to every agent who takes on the role, but that's even stupider because that would mean he, Miss Moneypenny, M and Q are all in kayfabe 24/7 like a pack of rancid LARPers.

To paraphrase Scre4m, am I overthinking it, or did the writers underthink it?

The other reason this is dumb is that Blofeld is jeopardising his entire plan for the trivial matter of pursuing a title, which seems to fly, stupidly, in the face of his previous characterisation. The classic Blofeld is interesting only because he's such a mysterious cypher, the literally faceless mastermind known even to his closest followers only as "Number 1". Even the name SPECTRE evokes something ambiguous, amorphous. He didn't even care enough to get the huge scar on his face fixed until now. OHMSS Blofeld, meanwhile, is such a preening douche he'll paint a huge target on himself just for a meaningless honorific. More like Blohard.

Your villain should not look like someone who tells boring stories at work parties and drives a sports car because he's bald.

Worse, this is the one with the ""tragic"" ""love"" story, which makes it all the more regrettable that it's the one where Bond is played by a man with all the acting talent of a rock and all the charisma of a less interesting rock. The girl of his dreams is played by Diana Rigg from Loicenseland TV show The Avengers (not to be confused with Disney's Marvel's borefests), which is like casting the chick from Relic Hunter as Lara Croft, except that would be hot af so not like that at all. Rigg is more likeable than Lay-Z-Boy, but this is not a very considerable achievement, and her character goes from a suicidal trainwreck to Bond With Tits offscreen for no reason at all.

"U WOT M8 I'LL FOCKIN GLASS YA" - our hero's one true love

Even the action scenes are boring and go on way too long, especially the ski chase which features some of the worst back projection I've ever seen, including in Laurel and Hardy flicks. Blohard fucks up constantly, putting Bond in a storage room and forgetting about him, leaving him for dead in an avalanche, getting distracted by his thot at an important moment, dismissing an obvious attack as "nothing" even though it's literally minutes before his win condition would have been achieved, missing an easy shot at an oblivious Bond's back, and dropping a live grenade in his own bobsled. I am literally not making any of those up.

"DURR HERP DERP DURR" - a once feared mastermind

"But Pat", you simper hipsterishly, "OHMSS is Bond for grownups. Simple minds like yours can't comprehend the artistry. I have been to many wine tastings and am enlightened by my own intelligence". While there are two neat transitions in the flick, that is the full extent of its artistic distinction.

Actually I lied, this is the only one.

The story is as silly and contrived as any other Bond, just less fun. In fact it was such a disaster that the next instalment, Diamonds Are Forever, completely ignores it and picks up immediately after You Only Live Twice, with Sean Connery back in the saddle as if OHMSS had just been a bad dream, but not of the Nightmare on Elm Street variety, but of the Freddy's Dead variety instead. (Mildly) interestingly, the Roger Moore and Timothy Dalton Bonds occasionally mentioned Bond's brief marriage, but Lay-Z-Boy was never seen or heard from again.

Sweet Dreams: Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare!!!

Nominal series endings generally at least try to go out on a high note. Friday the 13th had two (The Final Chapter and The Final Friday), one of which was good and the other tried, bless it. A Nightmare on Elm Street, however, approached its death in an advanced state of dementia, drooling and shitting all over itself. Fortunately, this wasn't the last movie, because nothing with "final" in the title ever is. Without further ado, let's delve into the heart of retardation.

The glasses do nothing! I'm still watching Freddy's Dead!

Freddy's Dead opens with a guy on a plane. He's obviously having a nightmare. His seat flies out of the plane and he wakes up in bed. He goes over to the window and finds Freddy flying on a broomstick dressed up as the Wicked Witch of the West. You know those Comics Code approved Joker stories from Silver Age comics where instead of killing people he played pranks and stole that kid's report card? This is the equivalent of that for horror movies. Jesus Christ.

There's jumping the shark and then there's this bullshit.

So the kid makes his way to a delinquents' centre run by Maggie Burroughs and her shoulder pads. Breckin Myer (Road Trip) is there, along with Tracy, who likes violence but dislikes being touched, and Carlos, who has a hearing aid. As lame as this is, it's still more characterisation than most movies these days have, so whatever. Maggie takes the nameless kid back to Springwood to find out all about him, and the others stow away in the van because this is a wacky comedy (Road Trip).

A fun game is to pause at any second of this joint and see whose expression matches your own.

Springwood is a ghost town in this movie because Freddy killed everyone offscreen between movies. Why they thought that would be less interesting to show us than Freddy playing Nintendo and stealing a deaf kid's hearing aid for 90 minutes, I have no idea. The town with no children could have been a fantastically creepy setting, but instead it sucked.

The Twin Peaks nod is nice and all, but imagine if this flick had half the atmosphere of that show.

So Freddy offs the kids in increasingly stupid ways, stopping only to shill for Nintendo, and then somehow follows Maggie and Tracy back to wherever they come from. I guess the rules for this instalment are that Freddy can't leave Springwood without someone to carry him, so he sent out the John Doe character to bring someone back for him to hitch a ride on. So why didn't he just hitch a ride with the John Doe? Anyway, Maggie learns that she's Freddy's daughter (dumb) and that he got his powers from three floating skull things (gay) and that he lived in the famous Elm Street house, meaning that Nancy's mom moved into the house of the guy she torched (Road Trip).

A twist of some potential fascination teased, then instantly abandoned for more dumb shlock.

Freddy still has powers in the waking world, he just stops using them immediately after this for no reason at all.

Look, you've read my part 5 writeup. You know I'll defend practically anything with the Elm Street name attached to it. This piece of shit is on its own.

You know you're looking at a classy production when all the newspaper articles are copypasted from the sports page and World War 2 history books.

The once feared dream demon kills time by taunting a deaf kid.

Finally Maggie defeats Freddy with the power of 3D glasses, probably because they realised Friday the 13th had a 3D instalment and didn't want to miss out on the trendwhoring, even though 3D wasn't even trendy in the early 90s. Is there anything good about this movie? Well, I liked the fact that Alice Cooper is Freddy's stepdad. I liked the gag where he cuts off his fingers while counting down the ways people have killed him in the past. Maggie was pretty hot. Oh, and Iggy Pop wrote a song for the credits in like two minutes for it, which I thought was funny.

Just close your eyes and think of Dream Warriors.

What did Rachel Talalay mean by this?

The best way to view this one is not even as part of the series but as a parody of it, but even that doesn't work too well because it doesn't even have enough jokes per minute to work as a Hot Shots style parody. But if the intention was to kill off any interest in the series, they succeeded. Killing off Freddy gave it a small box office bump but by the time of Wes Craven's New Nightmare a few years later, nobody cared about Freddy anymore. That's a shame because New Nightmare is one of the best in the series, and almost certainly the best seventh instalment in any film series.

Told you.

Get

rekt

Jar Jar

Star Wars 7 was a remake of the first one and was shit, as I predicted.

The worst bad movies bad movies bad cult movies horror poor direction lame

Hey kids! Who doesn't love bad movies, am I right? Here are some bad movies. Who are you? What are you doing with your life do you even know

Don't Go into the Woods...Alone! is a poor Friday the 13th ripoff with a caveman-looking baddy. The filmmakers didn't know what they were doing and failed to record any usable audio in the field. They had to dub the whole thing and it sucked! It's not enjoyable to watch!!!

A Night to Dismember is a movie which was shot without sound and then dubbed. It's of technically poor quality!!!

Wrong Turn 2 isn't very good at all. It does have a scene where the cannibals force feed human to a vegan, so that's cool.

Halloween 5 felt tired and redundant!!!

Attack of the Clones sucked!!!

Suicide Mouse never actually kills himself!!!

Isn't this fun???????

Fuck you.

A tedious analysis of the Bat Man Versus Super Man trailer

Batman Vs Superman: Yawn of Justice recently received a brand new trailer which is every bit as lame as the previous one. Beer helmet enthusiast Zack Snyder once again takes the lead as we're subjected to Mark Zuckerberg as Lex Luthor and Ben Affleck as Ben Affleck in a cheap-looking Batman costume. But there's so much more shit.

This is what the movie logo actually looks like. Lens flare by Pkisme.

Let's break it down like a small intestine.

The trailer revolves around Henry Cavill's Clark Kent being introduced to Ben Affleck's Bruce Wayne. Kent asks who Wayne is, making himself look like the dumbest reporter ever, which makes no sense. Clark didn't arrive on Earth last week, he grew up there. This dialogue is so dumb I want to go back in time and stomp on our ancestors as they crawl out of the sea.

They talk interminably about whether Batman being a vigilante is any worse than Superman saving cats from trees. It is, but they're talking about versions of the characters we know from pop culture. Like how in The Man of Steel General Zod's girlfriend wanted to take Lois Lane hostage because she's Superman's girlfriend in some comics that she read. GOD DAMNIT THESE MOVIES FEEL LIKE THEY WERE WRITTEN BY AN EIGHT YEAR OLD.

You might be thinking it's unusual for a blockbuster movie trailer to revolve around a conversation, but it's important for this movie to do a lot of explaining straight off the bat, if you see what I did there. Firstly, the writers have to explain how Batman is the dark one when Superman just murdered a guy by snapping his neck in the last movie. That kind of throws off the dynamic between the two, don't you think? Or wouldn't a competent screenwriter have thought?

(Sighs internally)

The other big reveals of the new trailer are a derpy looking Doomsday who looks exactly like the cave troll out of Lord of the Rings, and Wonder Woman, who shows up at the end of the trailer just as she showed up at the end of the creative process because you've got to do something with Wonder Woman. This means that the movie will also have to explain why she sat on her ass and did nothing while Earth was invaded and nearly destroyed by Michael Shannon from the underrated movie Bug.

Because Zack Snyder is a douche, all the characters in this movie come across as assholes. He has also put lens flares in everything, like fellow douche JJ Abrams. Lens flare is now the official Hollywood seal of quality: it means you are in for a humongous turd. Only an asshole would think it looks cool, as evidenced by the two people who do.

Is there hope for a DC Comics cinematic universe?

There is presently no hope for a DC Comics cinematic universe. The Man of Steel, despite all the advantages of perfect casting, a big budget and Chris Nolan showing up to the set once, fucked the pooch without lube and now everything is ruined for at least another generation. "Cinematic universes" are another stupid trend to disguise the fact that Hollywood does not produce original content. When studios promise cinematic universes for properties like Ghost Busters, you realise that they don't understand their IPs, or the nature or purpose of storytelling in our culture. They know seven hundred ways to sell you seven hundred shades of shit, but in the end, it's just shit.

Starwars 7 will be stupid and lame.

So the new trailer confirms everything I knew would happen about Starwars 7: The Goatse Widens. Jar Jar Abrams has apparently directed the film in the same visual style as his last act of necrophilia, the Startrek reboot. This looks awkward and shitty, and not like the Starwars of the 1970s and 80s, when the series was good.

If you watch the movies from the 80s you'll notice they are elegantly shot and edited, making use of space, mood lighting and shit like that. The new trailers show that the new film looks ugly and fakey-fake and has too many medium closeups and closeups. The storm troopers are standing around in like a well lit space, which isn't very threatening, and basically everything sucks.

We know from interviews that Abrams is aware of how much everyone hated his shitty lens flares in Startrek, so including them in this new Starwars movie can only be interpreted as a gesture of spite toward his audience, most of whom will still pay to see the movie anyway because they like the abuse.

The old people from the original movies still just look like old people. There's generally a good reason characters don't age that much in like comics and shit like that. It's because characters in fun escapist movies getting old is sad and depressing. But this trailer doesn't have a fun escapist tone to it, so I don't know. Maybe it's an art house movie about Alzheimer's.

Everything in the trailer looks like a copy of a copy. There are no new, interesting ideas and you can tell because the only thing anyone's been talking about is that there's a woman and a black guy in the movie, even though there have literally always been women and black people in Starwars movies. This small detail hasn't stopped the filmmarketeers (for this is what they are) from smelling their own farts all over the interview circuit.

Nobody will like this movie. Everyone will feel hollow and dead on the inside after seeing it, despite all pretence to the contrary. That's because they are dead; listless consumer zombies shambling pointlessly between one gaudy beacon of hype to the next in the horrific wasteland of our lives....

Mad Max Ripoffs: Raiders of the Sun!!!

It is a consistent rule of post-apocalypse movies that whatever is in shortest supply is used most recklessly. Mad Max and The Road Warrior are all about the scarcity of gasoline, yet everyone spends all their time driving around and into one another. Raiders of the Sun continues in this tradition by having a shortage of gunpowder at the centre of its plot, yet everyone spends their time engaging in massive, unnecessary shootouts. There's no mention of a gasoline shortage, but we can assume there is one too, because in one scene a bunch of dudes dance around a family of dwarfs splashing tanks of it on them. This is the movie's chilling message: in a world without the internets, we would set fire to little people for our entertainment. The sequel will be about a dwarf shortage.

Even after the nuclear holocaust, dwarfs carry axes. That's racist.

The opening narration actually suggests the world was getting better, under the organisation of good guys "The Alpha League". Unfortunately they're now in a state of civil war against a rebel faction led by this guy:

"I do not want things to get better. I want to blow things up and be a bad guy :(" - actual dialogue.

You can tell he's the leader because he's the only one who put any effort into his outfit. In the post-apocalypse, it's clearly not tactical skill that grants leadership, but the size and extravagance of your shoulder pads. The only exception to this rule is the Lord Humungus, but that's because he was fucking huge.

In their quest to get more gunpowder to prevent the civil war from sort of awkwardly winding down, the main bad guy allies with another bad guy, whose name I also can't remember, who does nothing all day but half-assedly attempt to rape the women his minions bring him. He's the most laid-back rapist I've ever seen in a movie. When the Main Girl is brought before him she kicks him in the face and knocks out a tooth, and he just kind of chuckles and sends her away. He's like the rape equivalent of a Bond villain: in no hurry.

"Alas, poor molar. I knew it well" - not actual dialogue

The problem with this movie is that it's more like GI Joe than Mad Max. There are too many pitched battles and not enough chases. There is, however, a cool scene where Main Girl's husband joins Bond Rapist's gang to rescue her, and has to undergo an "initiation" that involves swinging from ropes in a duel to the death with another of Bond Rapist's henchmen. Now, I'm no mathematician, but it strikes me that if everyone who joins his gang has to kill one of his guys, his gang is never going to get any bigger. Fortunately, this is set after a nuclear war so no one questions stupid shit like that.

Post-apocalypse checklist:

MOHAWKS: none.

SHOULDER PADS: only the main bad guy has them, but they're very large.

CUSTOM CARS: the spiky one from Wheels of Fire makes another appearance and is knocked off the cliff in the same way, probably because they reused the footage, and the dwarf family drive some kind of station wagon type effort with a bunch of crap piled on.

MUTANTS: none.

GOGGLES: Main Bad Guy has some that he perches on his military-style hat.

TOTAL: 3/5 - naht very post-apocalyptic.

12 rebel flags too hot for public viewing!!!

Academia is carving out new frontiers in flimflam and chicanery.

Have Hugh ever wondered how to write an academic paper? What with the vertiginous standards of contemporary writing out there, no one would blame you for feeling intimidated out of it:

Real.

As you can see, this is real cutting-edge stuff. But don't be discouraged: with a bit of coaching, you too can write important essays on identity cults and the narcissists who love them. Follow these six simple steps to ensure your intellectual prolapse will pass for the real thing.

• Add "-ness" to words that don't end in -ness. Examples could include "unknowableness" or  even "being-ness". "Otherness" is a must.
• Always remember to pluralise words that don't need to be plural, in such a way as to imply that there are subtle differences within and around a concept that only you can understand. For example, never speak of "postmodernism" but "postmodernisms". Use this even with collective terms like "public" (publics). If you combine this with the above tactic, you score a combo which is worth at least 1000 ticks. Be sure to write about "Blacknesses" and "subjectivenesses" for mad approval.
• Find someone who is different from you and accuse them of "othering" you (or the minority you purport to speak for, if you're feeling in the mood for condescending to yet another group that are unlike you). If you do this quickly and stridently enough, nobody will notice that you are the only one "othering" people by bringing up irrelevant details about them like their sex or hair colour.
• Make sure to "reclaim" words like "bitch" and "queer" so you can pretend to be rebellious while getting headpats from a quintessentially establishment institution. I remember when I first learned that "queer theory" was used by professionals. You might as well call it "bumming studies". Troll academics by pointing out that this is cultural appropriation of black people, who invented reclaiming so they would have something to rhyme with trigger in their rap songs.
• Never write in the first person, as this makes it too obvious that everything you're saying is your unexamined left-lib prejudices. Instead of removing your ass-ignorant worldview from your writing, just remove all references to "I", "me" and "mine" (this is what academics actually teach).
• Astute readers will note that all this stuff relates to form and style. This is because the substance of academic writing ceased to be important in, like, probably the 50s. No one cares, for instance, that Hamlet is all about Shakespear's Sister's depression over their dead son, the decline of empire, and the existential horror of not knowing what comes after death. Is Hamlet gay? Does he exhibit othernesses? Academia demands to know.

If you but follow these few steps, you'll soon be well on your way to balding, supercilious glory.

Grammar is the only field in which competence makes you a Nazi.

If you posted an incorrect math problem and somebody corrected you, would you call them a math Nazi? Probably not. Why the indelible connection between writing properly and national socialism? Can anyone help me? No.

My predictions for the new Star Wars movie!!!!

Hello everyone!!! It's me, your favourite bastard!!! Today I will be talking about a very important news topic: the new Star Wars trailer!!!! This is important because lots of people like The Star Wars, even though it hasn't been good since 1983, when I was six!!!!!

When the first teaser trailer was revealed, in 1987, scary people who think they're going to marry Chewbacca or something dumb like that got super excited because the trailer had storm troopers in it, which is like watching the trailer for The Harry Potter and being excited that it has wizards in it, except stupider. Also some guy had a light sabre with a cross guard. I think his name was Darth Toyline.

The reason sequels to movies from 2000 years ago don't work is cause you finished the arc. Luke Sky Walker's arc concluded in Episode 8, when he fucking killed Darth Vader. Han Solo's arc killed all those Nazis. Carrie Fisher got into meth or something. There's no story left to tell. Mad Max completed his arc in Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior, where he found redemption and a sense of purpose by killing gay bondage pirates. That's why The Thunder Dome was such a disappointment that I tried to hang myself (it didn't work: security asked me to leave the mall). By the way, I hope The Mad Max 4: The Fury Road doesn't suck!!!!!

The other reason The Star Wars Episode 4: The The Force Awakens is going to be rubbish is because it's made by JJ Abrams, who is a very talented filmmaker who turned The Star Trek from a utopian fable about people of all races pioneering across the universe into The Die Hard 4: Ugly Lighting, Too Many Closeups, Lens Flare And Pandering. In case you don't remember, that was the movie where Captain Kirk meets Dr Spock by running into a random ice cave.

Which is the gheyest politically correct term?

Hi everybody. My favourite politically correct term is "differently abled". This is a good and accurate term for people in wheelchairs: look at Professor X, he can read minds.

But not all politically correct terms are as on point as this. Take for example the term "people of colour". This is quite obviously just the old racist term "coloured people", they just changed the order of the words around. This is like calling a gay guy a "person of faggotry". I think politically correct people don't realise that that's how stupid that is, because their orthodoxy has eroded their brains like Creme Eggs erode teeth. Creme Eggs must only be eaten frozen. Put them in the freezer, they taste better. Be careful though: they may chip your teeth if you bite down on them like a dummy.

Sometimes "people of colour" is shortened to "POC", because nothing encapsulates respect for peoples' unique cultures and heritage like lumping them all in a homogeneous mass of not-whiteyness, and then reducing them to an acronym. If politically correct people were in charge of Hallmark, your happy retirement card would read "you're going to die soon", and they'd spend your retirement party bringing it up to everyone to tell them not to bring it up.

If this dystopia ever ends, history will look back on political correctness as a long, unbroken string of idiots shooting themselves in the foot for no reason, by first declaring pre-established terminology offensive, and then replacing it with something even worse, while the rest of us sat around wondering why you would need to invent ugly euphemisms for human beings in the first place.

Movie Who Cares Presents: The IntruderÜø¿×É»Ö{ê─×¢¥┐└┴♠◙♂•◘♣♦♥♫3☼

The Intruder is a movie about everybody dying in a supermarket. Despite this, it is slightly more good than depressing.

I may be a grave robber, but at least I don't work here.

The movie starts out documenting the shenanigans of the aforementioned store's employees. It's night, and the last few shoppers are going home. We get some nice POVs from their trolleys, which might make you wonder: why? and huh? 

You'll never live like common people. You'll never do whatever common people do.

Then an old man tries to buy some shit, but everything falls out the bottom of his paper bag, which is a metaphor for life.

Aw, darnit! First World War 1 and now this.

Sadly, the plot then kicks in, as our heroine is menaced by a mullet, and her ex boyfriend, who is wearing it:

Ladies, take heart: if you were born after 1972, you didn't date this guy.

The mullet gets in a big fight with everyone, and runs off into the store, instigating a sequence in which the staff try to hunt him down, Alien-style, which is reasonable when dealing with the pathologically bemulletted. This would be enough plot for the rest of the movie, but we're not so lucky.

Die Hard with a Mullet.

This isn't a very good movie, but it has a very unique and interesting visual style, which involves putting the camera inside things where a camera doesn't normally go. For example, here is a POV shot from inside a rotary phone:

Whose POV is it? Do the phones have gremlins? Sadly, this line of inquiry is never developed, like most of the characters.

Why is this shot framed like this? Are we looking at a mirror? Why? I picture the director jabbing his crazy fingers at the cast and yelling "dammit they're too up-and-down! Make them more sideways!", not because that's necessarily what happened, but because I'd like to think it is.

Say, do you think someone's going to get that through their face?

So anyway, long story short, someone starts butchering the cast. Is it the mullet? The store owner? Ted Raimi? Godzilla? Barbie? Does it matter? As befits these type of movies, the killer's motivation, when revealed, makes absolutely fuck-all sense, but the actor gives one of the gurningest, most gleefully batshit insane performances ever seen outside my special ed class.

The main thing about this movie is the way the supermarket location is used. People go up and down the meat conveyor, the killer chases the final girl over the tops of the checkout counters, and they all play bumper cars in the trolleys (well, not really, but they might as well have). The slasher plot is kind of extraneous to the enjoyment of the movie, which centres on the fun of watching people get to wreak havoc in a supermarket. Just like in Dawn of the Dead and the greatest movie of all time: Career Opportunities. It was while writing this review that I decided all I really want in life is to trash a supermarket.

Get out while you can, Final Girl!!!