A tedious analysis of the Bat Man Versus Super Man trailer

Batman Vs Superman: Yawn of Justice recently received a brand new trailer which is every bit as lame as the previous one. Beer helmet enthusiast Zack Snyder once again takes the lead as we're subjected to Mark Zuckerberg as Lex Luthor and Ben Affleck as Ben Affleck in a cheap-looking Batman costume. But there's so much more shit.

This is what the movie logo actually looks like. Lens flare by Pkisme.

Let's break it down like a small intestine.

The trailer revolves around Henry Cavill's Clark Kent being introduced to Ben Affleck's Bruce Wayne. Kent asks who Wayne is, making himself look like the dumbest reporter ever, which makes no sense. Clark didn't arrive on Earth last week, he grew up there. This dialogue is so dumb I want to go back in time and stomp on our ancestors as they crawl out of the sea.

They talk interminably about whether Batman being a vigilante is any worse than Superman saving cats from trees. It is, but they're talking about versions of the characters we know from pop culture. Like how in The Man of Steel General Zod's girlfriend wanted to take Lois Lane hostage because she's Superman's girlfriend in some comics that she read. GOD DAMNIT THESE MOVIES FEEL LIKE THEY WERE WRITTEN BY AN EIGHT YEAR OLD.

You might be thinking it's unusual for a blockbuster movie trailer to revolve around a conversation, but it's important for this movie to do a lot of explaining straight off the bat, if you see what I did there. Firstly, the writers have to explain how Batman is the dark one when Superman just murdered a guy by snapping his neck in the last movie. That kind of throws off the dynamic between the two, don't you think? Or wouldn't a competent screenwriter have thought?

(Sighs internally)

The other big reveals of the new trailer are a derpy looking Doomsday who looks exactly like the cave troll out of Lord of the Rings, and Wonder Woman, who shows up at the end of the trailer just as she showed up at the end of the creative process because you've got to do something with Wonder Woman. This means that the movie will also have to explain why she sat on her ass and did nothing while Earth was invaded and nearly destroyed by Michael Shannon from the underrated movie Bug.

Because Zack Snyder is a douche, all the characters in this movie come across as assholes. He has also put lens flares in everything, like fellow douche JJ Abrams. Lens flare is now the official Hollywood seal of quality: it means you are in for a humongous turd. Only an asshole would think it looks cool, as evidenced by the two people who do.

Is there hope for a DC Comics cinematic universe?

There is presently no hope for a DC Comics cinematic universe. The Man of Steel, despite all the advantages of perfect casting, a big budget and Chris Nolan showing up to the set once, fucked the pooch without lube and now everything is ruined for at least another generation. "Cinematic universes" are another stupid trend to disguise the fact that Hollywood does not produce original content. When studios promise cinematic universes for properties like Ghost Busters, you realise that they don't understand their IPs, or the nature or purpose of storytelling in our culture. They know seven hundred ways to sell you seven hundred shades of shit, but in the end, it's just shit.

Starwars 7 will be stupid and lame.

So the new trailer confirms everything I knew would happen about Starwars 7: The Goatse Widens. Jar Jar Abrams has apparently directed the film in the same visual style as his last act of necrophilia, the Startrek reboot. This looks awkward and shitty, and not like the Starwars of the 1970s and 80s, when the series was good.

If you watch the movies from the 80s you'll notice they are elegantly shot and edited, making use of space, mood lighting and shit like that. The new trailers show that the new film looks ugly and fakey-fake and has too many medium closeups and closeups. The storm troopers are standing around in like a well lit space, which isn't very threatening, and basically everything sucks.

We know from interviews that Abrams is aware of how much everyone hated his shitty lens flares in Startrek, so including them in this new Starwars movie can only be interpreted as a gesture of spite toward his audience, most of whom will still pay to see the movie anyway because they like the abuse.

The old people from the original movies still just look like old people. There's generally a good reason characters don't age that much in like comics and shit like that. It's because characters in fun escapist movies getting old is sad and depressing. But this trailer doesn't have a fun escapist tone to it, so I don't know. Maybe it's an art house movie about Alzheimer's.

Everything in the trailer looks like a copy of a copy. There are no new, interesting ideas and you can tell because the only thing anyone's been talking about is that there's a woman and a black guy in the movie, even though there have literally always been women and black people in Starwars movies. This small detail hasn't stopped the filmmarketeers (for this is what they are) from smelling their own farts all over the interview circuit.

Nobody will like this movie. Everyone will feel hollow and dead on the inside after seeing it, despite all pretence to the contrary. That's because they are dead; listless consumer zombies shambling pointlessly between one gaudy beacon of hype to the next in the horrific wasteland of our lives....