Deadly Blessing!

Deadly Blessing stars Ernest Borgnine as an Amish-style cult leader and has a scene where a spider falls into Sharon Stone's mouth. This alone makes it better than everything you've watched all year, especially if you're the sort of person who looks forward to Jar Jar Abrams' Star Wars and Zack Snyder's Batman Meets Superman: Dawn of Just Ass.

Say ahh.

The movie opens with a bunch of quintessential Amish imagery and spends the rest of its running time trying to convince everybody that they're not Amish, but "Hittites". The Hittites apparently make the Amish look like pussies, which is a strange thing to say because the Amish are pussies; it's their way of life.

"U wot m8? I'll fuckin' have ya, ya Amish knob!" - Hittite Ernest Borgnine

Since this is a movie of the late, great Wes Craven, someone immediately starts hacking up the cast. Is it the normie family that live beside the Hittite community, and may be in danger of being edged out? Is it Michael Berryman? Naturally Michael Berryman is in this movie because it is awesome. Could it be the Final Girl, or the old lady, or Ernest Borgnine himself? Or is it an evil spirit called...the Incubus???

Michael Berryman is outside your window right now.

There are so many possible suspects and motives, which intertwine with the main slasher plot in all kinds of ways. There's even a forbidden love story between an Amish Hittite boy and a normalfag woman, a full four years before Harrison Ford movie Witness. Did Witness rip off Deadly Blessing? I think you know the answer.

For never was a story of more woe/Than this of English, and her Hittite, Joe.

Yet for all those myriad joys, the best part of the movie concerns Sharon Stone's battle with a barn door that keeps closing on her, finally locking her in the barn where she comically falls face-first into a succession of spider webs, and then a spider falls in her mouth.

"Derp" - Sharon Stone

Actually, I changed my mind, the best part is when Ernest Borgnine fucking beats this kid with a cane for going into "The Forbidden Barn!" Why do you have a forbidden barn, asshole? What a stupid thing to build.

"Spare the rod, spoil the child" - anonymous; good parenting

Wes Craven actually grew up in a sort of cult-like environment. One of the interesting things about him is that he wasn't allowed to watch movies as a kid. Good job, guys. You really put him off that. Maybe the movies were his forbidden barn. Maybe deep thoughts.

Definitely watch Deadly Blessing, it's great.

Sweet Dreams: 13 Facts About Freddy!!!

Everyone knows Jason, the lovable murderer from the Friday the 13th films. But how well do you know his fellow horror movie icon, Freddy Krueger? Freddy has been around since 1984's classic A Nightmare on Elm Street, and has amassed an enviable amount of trivia to his own name. Here is some of it:

1. Freddy was a child murderer who was burned alive after being freed on a technicality. So little of a fuck did Freddy give that he turned up to his own trial in a Christmas sweater.
   
2. The number of Freddy's child murder victims is unknown. Nancy's mom and Lisa from Part 2 both said it was around 20, while Alice in Part 5 said "20 or 30", and Freddy himself in Freddy Vs Jason claimed it was "dozens". Freddy loves killing children so much he invented a working glove of knives just to kill children with.
3. Freddy had an ice cream float he presumably used to get close to his victims, as seen in the pilot of Freddy's Nightmares. Apparently no one else at the factory where he worked thought this was strange.
   
4. Freddy can kill you in your dreams. To give the series some variety, this was extended to include things like daydreams and the dreams of your unborn child (Parts 4 and 5, respectively). He can also possess people (Part 2, Freddy Vs Jason), and reanimate his bones in the real world to fight you like the skeletons in Jason and the Argonauts. HE CAN ALSO MAKE YOUR PARAKEET EXPLODE.
   
5. Freddy, like Jason, can only be killed by whatever arbitrary plot bullshit is required to end the movie. However, unlike Jason, he is not brought back by electricity, but by flaming dog piss.
   
6. Freddy once appeared on the Dick Cavett show and killed Zsa Zsa Gabor (Part 3).
   
7. Freddy, like the Joker, likes to dress up as a nurse just to fuck with people.
   
8. As the series degenerated into self-parody, Freddy started breaking the fourth wall and addressing the audience directly, indicating that he knows he's in a movie. This explains how he was able to come out of the movies and attack the cast and crew in the real world in Wes Craven's New Nightmare.
9. Parts 1, 3 and 7 are actually good movies.
10. The souls of Freddy's victims become trapped inside his body. Part 4 revealed these souls to include Linnea Quigley, of Return of the Living Dead, Graduation Day, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Night of the Demons, Scream Queen Hot Tub Party, Silent Night Deadly Night, and Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama.
    
11. Freddy Krueger is the only person who can still pull off wearing a fedora without looking like a douche.
12. Pulling Freddy out of your dream will depower him and make him killable, except for all the times when it just doesn't, which is always. This is possibly because the whole series is one big dream, and Freddy is just trolling everybody the entire time.
13. This blackboard from Freddy's Dead appears to confirm that Freddy did the Third Reich, discovered America, fought in the War of 1812, killed Elvis, and prevented the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, confirming him for time travel as well as everything above. This makes about as much sense as anything else in Freddy's Dead.
    

Did you enjoy learning all about this important historical figure??? Do u crie every time??? Let me know in the comments (don't).

Everyone is stupid re Jeremy Clarkson.

As you know, I can't watch Top Gear anymore because the BBC threw all its toys out of its pram again. TV presenter Jeremy Clarkson has been "suspended" from the corporation for punching a guy and maybe saying naughty words again, unless he didn't. Every few weeks there's a story about Jeremy Clarkson going full retard, and every time it's about 20% true and 100% stupid. I've heard intelligent people seriously say that Jeremy Clarkson should be sacked, but one person who doesn't think so is the fucking producer he allegedly "punched", who retweeted the petition to reinstate him.

Oops.

The reason I'm busting out the "allegedly" is that all the stories about Jeremy Clarkson are systematically inflated and exaggerated because the news media want us all to think he's controversial, which he isn't. Only retards who read the Guardian and cycle (preferably at the same time) spaz out about Jeremy Clarkson. That's because the rest of us are grownups. Hey, remember when he said that people should be shot in front of their families? Except that it later turned out he was being sarcastic and making the opposite point.

Oops.

Jeremy Clarkson isn't controversial to real people, because we have real problems and things to worry about. Given that the petition to reinstate him is the fastest-growing ever in Change.org's history, it would seem that most people are more fed up with the BBC's histrionic bullshit than with Jeremy Clarkson, and for as long as we're paying the license fee, the BBC can shut the fuck up and do what we say. Maybe this wouldn't be such a pressing issue if the BBC had anything else worth watching.

Bastard role models: Basil Fawlty

Everyone knows Basil Fawlty, the lovable hotel owner who violently beats his staff, locks guests in cupboards, and otherwise lays down the law. But did you know he was a Korean War vet who killed four men? Basil Fawlty has a magic wound that flares up if he needs to cover for something. This is exactly how an injury should be employed (see Stephen Hawking).

Basil, like all of us at a certain point in life (birth), derives joy only from intense greed and Schadenfreude (this is Germanic for Bastardry). Look at how his little eyes light up when he gets to screw someone over. I do the same. I dance around my room with glee. Malice, hostility and bile are Basil Fawlty's motivators. They are guaranteed 40% better than coffee (source).

Basil Fawlty's greatest and best moment in bastardry is when the guy died in the hotel, and he was trying to get the body out. Basil Fawlty hid in the laundry basket and escaped, leaving everyone to deal with the fallout of a great big corpse all over the lobby. Basil Fawlty is my hero. I wish I could drop a corpse on everybody and escape. I'd start a new life in France, where they love me.

Bastard role models: Tony Soprano

WARNING: This post contains MASSIVE FUCKING SPOILERS for a show you should DEFINITELY HAVE SEEN by now.

Tony Soprano is the gold standard to whom all bastards aspire: he conducts business from a strip club, smacks his son upside the head, and saved money by giving his daughter a car for a present he'd extorted from a degenerate gambler.

Some people think Tony isn't really a bastard, because he cares for his family. Which is true, except he tried to smother his mother to death, fucking killed his nephew, cheated on his wife with two Russians including one differently abled, and loudly announced that he wouldn't get a vasectomy because his son was too shitty to be his male heir, in front of his son. Tony is an inspiration to bastards everywhere.

He also mastered the art of positioning himself against even worse people, so if you were watching he even got you on his side. The fact that nearly all these people came up through his organisation is a minor detail, easily ignored. What sets Tony apart is that everyone rooted for him for seven years, even knowing about his murdering ways. I can't even get people on my side when I forget to flush.

The moral of the show is that you might as well be a fat, violent, addictive, antisocial personality, because everyone else is an asshole anyway. Even if he did get whacked in the final scene, he still had more fun than you.