RANKED: The Top Ten Women!

Theme: I Respect Your Feelings as a Woman and a Friend - Anal Cunt

As you know, this March marks Women's History Month, and we at Pat Bastard and the Spurious 5 Dot Blogspot Dot Com intend to honour this prestigious month by ranking the women who have shaped our lives and brightened up our world. You may not like our ranking, but we don't like you.

Diora Baird

Freckles bros, your patience has paid off.

South of Heaven star Diora Baird may have been famous for her chest, but let's not sleep on her ridiculously kino hips and face. In the Berenstein timeline in which Hollywood was wiped out by a natural disaster and taken over by me and my goblins in the 90s, she would have reigned as queen of the silver screen throughout the 2000s. In a way, though, her legend is more potent for the fact that, like a latterday Barbara Crampton, she remains a secret to be found in such B horror fare as Night of the Demons and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake prequel.

Anita Ekberg

No wonder Sweden's furniture is so popular.

Like Baird, Anita Ekberg would have been Earth's biggest star had she lived under my dictatorship, but kinosseurs have little to complain about, what with her livening up La Dolce Vita and dancing hypnotically in GOAT noir Screaming Mimi. Although styled by publicists as Paramount's answer to Marilyn Monroe, Ekberg was much better because Monroe was a cartoon character, a camp and derisive pastiche of the hetero ideal, while Ekberg was the real thing. Mass media hacks only revealed their classless seething in dubbing her "Iceberg" for her completely warranted dearth of patience with their bullshit.

Stacy Keibler

As prophecied by ZZ Top.

INSPIRING: WCW and WWE star Keibler proved you can rock A-cups and still be a 10. All you need to compensate is an impossibly perfect visage and 41½" legs. INSPIRINGER: thanks to her, straight men watched wrestling for the first time in droves. Is there any barrier she couldn't break?

Linda Darnell

You must be this perfect to be known professionally as The Perfect Face.

Sabotage a safe-horny "classic beauties" list by posting monochrome 10 Linda Darnell, whose largely forgotten oeuvre nonetheless includes odd gems like Hangover Square and Blackbeard the Pirate. Literally and accurately called The Perfect Face, I'm surprised the Hayes code allowed Darnell to be shown from the neck up. Check out the Hills Have Eyes rejects at your local bus exchange and tell me with a straight face that we're all one species.

Aishwarya Rai

Finally, a 10 who doesn't have to say "my eyes are up here".

One hundred billion Indians were guaranteed to produce at least one instance of genetic perfection. Rai's credits include Dhoom 2 and The Last Legion, but who are you kidding? You'd watch her watch paint dry. Plus, getting to feature a woman whose hottest feature actually are her eyes classes this article up by ~500%.

Kelly Brook

Kelly Brook looked like this:

Thank you, Kelly. Very cool!

Elena Satine

Pictured with suspicious beverage.

Doomed forever to be known as Pissfu for the scene in Twin Peaks The Return in which she listens sexily to Dougie draining the lizard (????), Elena Satine deserves immortalisation of a more auspicious and dignified kind: on my bl■g about Mad Max ripoffs and sea slugs.

Jennifer Connelly

Our Jen models her very least bedroom eyes.

Dark City may have been her most cerebral and stylish kino and The Hot Spot the pinnacle of top shelf sleaze, but it was in Career Opportunities that she redefined the possibilities of that most tastefully erotic female garment, the white tank top.

Claudia Cardinale

If you draw a woman this shape, at least 200 people will tell you it's unrealistic and impossible.

From The Leopard to The Pink Panther, Cardinale made two films named for big cats. Federico Fellini cast her as herself as his perfect dream waifu in 8½, placing her on the same tier as Anita Ekberg. Nordic? Med? Why can't we all just get along?

Tia Carrere

Filipina/Chinese/Spanish, born in Hawaii, as if that gives you anything to work with.

Best known for her role in Wayne's World, Carrere also starred in Relic Hunter, which was a show about her chest. Carrere singlehandedly started the yellow fever epidemic that killed every single male who came of age in the 90s, making her the Typhoid Mary of her day.

Did I miss any good women??? Post ur favourites in the comments!!!

Greatest Movie of All Time of the Week: Night of the Demons!

Not at all to be confused with last week's classy classic, this Night of the Demons is the 2009 remake of the 80s also-ran best known for popularising goth girls to the horny mind, and is the trashy peak of trashcore. Why the remake? Because the original was also trashy, but this one dials it up to 11, with more gratuitous carnage, sluttier scream queens with ludicrous silicone cans, and a soundtrack of the kind of metal you imagine methheads bang to in tin sheds. The original might have been edgy and hedonistic in its day, but with this one you can taste the spilled beer and feel the sticky floors beneath your feet. If your cinematographic palate pales at Friday the 13th levels of sleaze and gore, feel free to stick to the Universal classic monsters, but if just once a year, as the Christian lore of Halloween entails, you feel the need to let the forces of chaos and debauchery have their day, cry havoc and let spin this brain cell obliterator of a flick.

Come on guys, it'll be fun.

This Night concerns a Halloween party gone ever-so-predictably bad, set in an impressively ominous New Orleans mansion where the silent-movie-pastiche opening sequence informs us demons were once summoned and contained, waiting to rise anew and ruin everyone's festivities.

IDK what "Southern Gothic" is but I think it's this.

Our hapless protagonists are an A-Z of B-C-list scream royalty. Angela, back from the original, is played by Shannon Elizabeth, who was in the unpronounceable remake of Th13rteen Ghosts. Bobbi Sue Luther starred in Laid to Rest, which is only slightly more than you or I have ever done. Monica Keena has the unique distinction of surviving both Jason and Freddy. And Diora Baird was in the prequel to the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (but also South of Heaven, which, if you take anything from this bløg, watch).

May all our T&A queens have that one actually good movie in their filmographies.

In the highest traditions of Plato and Aristotle, our heroines debate the merits of slutty vs scary costumes, mostly settling on the time-honoured cat-ears-and-cleavage formula, to disgusted looks of the I-can't-buh-lieve-she's-wearing-the-same-outfuht? genre.

Sadly this scene does not end with them ripping each other's clothes off and some guy in a Bob Hope costume saying to camera "now that's what I call a catfight".

Meanwhile there's some plot nonsense in which Edward Furlong (rehab) tries to amass enough from street-level dope slinging to pay off an hilarious Bri'ish gangster (Nawlins in this flick is 90% white and the criminal underworld is run by fucking cockneys. I leave it to you to decide who gets to be pissed off at that; I just thought it was funny).

The bartender's Manson costume is a neat detail.

Well one thing leads to another, as things tend to do. Cops raid the party, the stragglers play spin the bottle (everyone in the cast is at least a decade too old for this but who cares), the demons awake but no one notices, and Angela gives us a new rendition of her famous dance, in which she lezzes out with Luther.

Homosexuals will never understand the profound straightness of hot girls kissing.

If anything the movie loses steam as the party shenanigans give way to demons murdering everyone, but the tone remains breezy throughout. Within a line or two of dialogue between Keena and the lead demon, Keena manages to switch from fearful to blasé as though everyone on set just forgot the tone of the scene between takes, but who cares? We know she's going to become an action heroine because she's Monica Keena, she already beat the top two stars of the genre in the same movie, and by that point there's no one else left to be the Final Girl anyway.

A decade and a half of studios trying to force iconic girlboss characters obliterated by a single still of Monica Keena on an average day.

Movie Independence Day Presents: ***!!South of Heaven!!***

South of Heaven is the best movie ever.

Make Your Own Monument Valley: $4.99 at Bastardmart.

Like Streets of Fire, South of Heaven smushes genres together to create something fresh and different. It’s a little bit like Tarantino (but better), the Coen Brothers, early Lynch (Eraserhead to Elephant Man), Raimi, Peckinpah, and Happy Tree Friends.

It's not a party until everybody dies.

There are two brothers who are meant to be collaborating on a novel, but one of them’s run off with a psycho, played by Shea Wigham in the best performance ever: “Mad Dog”. So the other brother gets visited by these two vaudeville goons who think he’s the other brother so they kick the shit out of him. This lady from a film noir keeps hanging around. Shit gets real. “Mad Dog” sings a Depeche Mode song. Then they all meet up in a little house and there’s a showdown, but not quite the one you might expect.

This is the expression of a serious individual.

Anyway, the plot isn't really that important. What’s important is the movie’s style: all the exteriors are like sets with backdrops, the characters are designed after Tex Avery cartoons, George “The Animal” Steel makes a cameo where he just sits there, and “Mad Dog” has a speech about a chicken which is better than everything. Most indie-type filmmakers try to hedge their bets by making their movies all ironical, so if they suck they can say they did it on purpose. South of Heaven is a little bit different than that: the content is funny, but the characters are serious, so you might find you actually give a shit about what happens to them. It’s a dark-comic tone of a different flavour than your typical dark-comedy.

The shirt that heralds the end times.

The other reason to see it is because the DVD by Synapse Pictures is really sweet. I don’t normally care that much about DVD packages, but this one is textbook so you should all buy it twice and give a copy to your grandma (if she likes really violent film noir cartoon westerns). It’s got three feature commentaries and three short films that are actually really long (but really inventive as well). The short films are definitely up themselves, but still really good anyway. I want to marry this DVD and have human-DVD-hybrid babies with it. I think they’d look like this guy:

Anyway, see South of Heaven.