Greatest Album of All Time of the Week: DaDa!

The album cover being a modified detail from Dalí's Slave Market with Disappearing Bust of Voltaire is a return tribute to Dalí, who was a major Coop fan and declared his act "musical surrealism". Dalí made a First Cylindric Chromo-Hologram Portrait of Alice Cooper's Brain, the story of which is the best thing you'll read all year.

Everyone knows Alice Cooper for his pioneering theatrical stage show and his slew of classic anthems from "Eighteen" to "Elected" to "Poison", but the thing that really stabs you in the neck as you delve into the Cooper catalogue is how eclectic it all is, like a Ween album strung out over half a dozen decades. The first two albums are as uncommercial as it gets, weird psychedelia with odd melodic gems jutting out randomly like teeth out of a Briton's gums. Then there's the era of unimpeachable classics from Love it to Death through Billion Dollar Babies or even Welcome to my Nightmare (depending on how charitably you view Muscle of Love), but even this hit-making hard rock era has its oddities like the dark jazzy atmospherics of "Blue Turk" or the James-Bond-meets-King-Crimson pastiche of "Halo of Flies". Then you've got disco parodies and showtunes on Goes to Hell, sci-fi new wave on Flush the Fashion, hair metal, industrial and more. For every wild left-turn that crashes in flames, there's one that pays off in spades, but by far the oddest and greatest Alice album is one he doesn't even remember writing or recording at all. Just as Bowie's cocaine album (Station to Station) was his best and bleakest, so too was the Coop's. Now I'm not saying you should dabble in white powder for the sake of a tune. I mean, fuck it, Minor Threat coined straight edge and their Complete Discography is one of the few punk discs that holds up after half a spin. But just as LSD seems to inevitably lead to inane surrealism and heroin to insomniac self-pity, cocaine seems to have a distinctly dark and empty energy you wouldn't guess from something that has adults bouncing off the walls like kids on Halloween candy.

Not that DaDa doesn't have laughs - "I Love America" is almost tryhard in its comic aspirations, though redeemed by the fact Cooper actually meant it - but there's a sort of desperation in the laughter, like a guy trying to distract himself from gnawing despair with a good time. The synthy opener is weirdly beautiful and almost goth, but Cooper sounds like a for-real mental patient on it, far from the theatrical madness of "The Ballad of Dwight Frye". "Enough's Enough" sounds like it was inspired by Midnight Cowboy, a tale of an abusive monster of a father taunting his boy now that his dear old mother is no longer there to protect him, set to a dissonently bouncy bit of new wave that reflects the awful glee in the bad dad's jibes. "Former Lee Warmer" is a tale of a mute, mentally retarded brother kept locked up in a family home that makes those Phantom of the Opera organ tones you'd hear in haunted house parodies actually creepy again. "No Man's Land" is actually hilarious but the casual mention of "my other personalities" brings chills back to a superficially comic scenario. "Scarlet and Sheba" is like some kind of twisted BDSM tango that evokes a dungeon with the scent of candles heavy in the air. "Fresh Blood" takes a startling detour into funk and seems to describe the unhappy lot of a Renfield stewarding a vampire from kill to kill amid the festivity of an uncaring city. "Pass the Gun Around" is a raw sketch of the end of the road against the grandest, most ostentatious arrangements on the album, with a Dick Wagner solo that sounds like David Gilmour having the worst nightmare of his life. Maybe Alice just doesn't want to remember.

Thank God It's Friday the 13th: Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives!

The title Jason Lives was a reassurance to the fans that the Scooby Doo era of ersatz Jasons was over, and the classic killer was returning to, once more, kill lots of people for no particular reason*. This was both a good thing and an admission that basically these movies are all the same and are never really going to change, which is also a good thing. There's nowhere to take a character like Jason except all over the place in terms of physical geography. Whether you call it Crystal Lake or Forest Hills, or whether you call Toronto New York City, or whether it's space 400 years in the future, Jason will be doing the same thing, and that is reassuring in its own way. Should a horror flick be reassuring? No, and this is why the series turned, as every series does, into a comedy.

"Does he think I'm a fart head?" - actual dialogue

Tommy Jarvis is suddenly cured of his murderous impulses from the ending of Part 5, and Jason just as wondrously cured of his cremation. So of course Tommy must go and dig him up in order to make sure he's dead, which of course means he comes back to life. He vaguely explains he's been having Jason dreams and this may be the only way to lay them to rest. I know this came out way before Freddy Vs Jason was conceived as an actual project, but wouldn't it be fun in retrospect to imagine that Freddy engineered those dreams to get Tommy to dig up Jason in the first place?

For no reason at all, Tommy brings a mask with him to the cemetery. It's like he wanted what inevitably happens to happen.

Anyway, Tommy and some guy go dig up Jason, who is then hit by lightning and thus revived to kill again. Unfortunately for us, he spends most of the picture whacking annoying unfunny comic relief characters on a corporate paintball outing before finally making it to the camp, making it only the second and final time in the series Jason himself actually kills camp counsellors.

This superqt should have been the Final Girl 2bqh my fams

So Tommy butts heads with the local sheriff, makes out with the said sheriff's daughter, and gets in a car chase, all of which is amiable filler, but filler regardless. Finally he hatches a successful plan to defeat Jason by tying a rock round him with a chain and letting him sink to the bottom of the lake, for someone else to deal with further down the road.

Metaphor for the b**mers polluting the world for their descendants, or not that?

Sadly this would be the last time we'd ever see Tommy, and therefore the last time a main protagonist recurred during the series. It also signposts a major turning point for the tone of the series, as from now on surviving the movie is a life-affirming experience that allows the protagonists to overcome their demons, as opposed to the early instalments in which the survivors were visibly traumatised if not outright nuts from their ordeal. Even goofy as fuck entries like Part 3 and Part 5 went with this, whereas from 6 onward, surviving basically meant peace of mind. Protagonists even tend to survive in convenient romantic pairings, which suggests a sort of closure I'm not sure we really expect or want from these movies.

This kid gets it.

But by far the most important takeaway from this one is the soundtrack of Alice Cooper songs, including the official Jason theme song, "Man Behind The Mask", with its accompanying music video which is maximum 80s/comfy/horror/rock-kino. You'll never guess the twist ending!

*They stopped bothering with motive around Part 4.

Alice Cooper's STEVEN: who is he and what is the meaning of life?

Many music performers have alter egos they inhabit at various times on record or onstage. Eminem routinely slips into his Slim Shady persona to wreak havoc on celebrities and society in general, while Nicki Minaj pretends to be more than 40% human parts. But none of these alter egos are as mysterious as Alice Cooper's Steven. This article includes spoilers for the concept albums Welcome to my Nightmare, Alice Cooper Goes to Hell, DaDa, The Last Temptation, Along Came a Spider and Welcome 2 My Nightmare. It will also be a lengthy, unfunny dissertation on an obscure aspect of rock music history which I consider it my autistic duty to elucidate.

I wish I had this subtly creepy wallpaper.

Welcome to my breakdown

Steven first appears in 1975's Welcome to my Nightmare. The nightmare is presented as being Steven's. We are introduced to Steven in the song "Years Ago", in which he sings "All my toys are broken/And so am I inside, mom". Many people take this as an indication that Steven is a young boy, but in the song he doesn't seem to be so sure. Different voices alternately sing "I'm a little boy/No, I'm a great big man/No, let's be a little boy, for a little while longer? Maybe an hour?"

At its end the song segues into "Steven" with the phrase "I think I hear my mom calling..." and "Steven" then kicks in, with the name being repeated in a refrain that becomes more insistent. Steven says "it's right outside my door". He seems to be very afraid of whoever - or whatever - is outside his door.

The next song is "The Awakening". In this song Alice sings of waking up and looking for his wife, only to find that he has stabbed her to death in his sleep. The final song on the album is "Escape", which features the lines "But where am I running to? There's no place left to go/Just put on my makeup/And get me to the show".

What does it all mean?

Welcome to my Nightmare is a concept album. I believe it tells one continuous story - the origin story of Alice Cooper himself. Steven is the fictionalised Vincent Furnier - Alice's birth name. Steven is a grown man who is married. He also drinks to excess, and it makes him violent, or at least he fears it will. The song "Only Women Bleed" reflects this fear. It is preceded on the album by "Some Folks", which goes "I'm just no good without it/I'm not a man at all". While it is not specified what this refers to, I think it's alcohol.

The nightmare starts off in general terms. "Devil's Food" and "The Black Widow" are about generic scary things, like giant spiders and being eaten. But gradually the songs shift to more specific fears. Jack Torrance in The Shining had similar demons - he drank, and he once hurt his son. Like Jack, Steven is haunted by these fears.

Why does Steven drink? He drinks because of something that happened in his past. As mentioned above, there is some confusion about whether he is a boy or a man, but he must be a grown man to be married. I believe that in his nightmare he regresses into a little boy as a way to try to hide from the horrific realities of his life. After pleading to be a little boy for a while longer, he is frightened by someone outside his room, which leads to his awakening - his efforts to avoid reality are in vain.

"I think I hear my mom calling" - but he doesn't hear his mom calling. The cries of "Steven" in the song of the same name are from a woman, but not his mother - his wife. She is crying out to him as he is stabbing her in his sleep.

When he wakes up, Steven realises that he has done what he feared the most - he has killed his wife. Now his only recourse is to do what he has tried to do in the dream - to escape into another persona. "Just put on my makeup and get me to the show". He escapes into madness; into the persona of Alice Cooper.

Alice Cooper Goes to Hell

Steven didn't appear by name on the next album, and it seemed to be about Alice, the entertainer, being sent to a comedy disco Hell for all the controversy that he caused with his antics during the early 70s. However, if you subscribe to the above interpretation of Nightmare, Alice and Steven are really the same person. This is, however, complicated by the inner sleeve of the LP, which featured this text:

Lay still, Steven, and I'll tell you a bedtime story. I'll tell you a bedtime story that's not for all children. It's a very special story, that only special children will understand. It's a half-awake story, and it will be better if you close your eyes. It's a story that takes place in a dream, like other nightmares you have known. It's a dream that Alice has dreamed. You can dream along with him. You can follow Alice down the staircase, deep, down the stairs to the pit where he doesn't want to go, but he has to.

If you go to sleep now, Steven, you can go down the long and endless staircase and sing sweet songs to Alice and free him. And if you can't get to sleep, Steven, and in the middle of the night you get out of bed, when everything is quiet and the trees are still and the birds are hiding from the dark, you can lay down on your bedroom floor and press your ear tightly to the boards. If you listen very carefully you can hear Alice searching for a way out, forever chasing rainbows.

Sleep tight, Steven. And have a good night.

You can read this in all sorts of ways. One way to look at it is that Steven really is a child, and Alice is a character in a story his mom or dad told him. Another is to think of this as a prequel to Nightmare - that Alice was a character in a story, and in "Escape" on Nightmare, Steven drew on this childhood memory to create a character to escape into.

But there's another possible meaning that fits into what we learn on the next Steven album, 1991's Hey Stoopid. That maybe this is something a doctor is telling the now institutionalised Steven. In this analogy, the doctor is trying to get Steven to give up his Alice persona. The pit where Alice doesn't want to go, but has to, isn't really Hell, it's the unconscious mind. The doctor may be trying to get Steven to get rid of Alice, to lock him away under the floorboards of his own psyche. He is treating Steven as a child because Steven has now fully regressed into one.

A Wind Up Toy

Hey Stoopid only mentions Steven at the very end, on track "Wind Up Toy". The song implies its subject is in a mental institution, with doctors who run tests but can't determine what is wrong with him. The song also mentions his parents: "Daddy won't discuss me/What a state I must be/Mommy couldn't stand/Having such a wound-up boy".

This could mean that his parents are alive, and have given up hope for his recovery. However, it could also mean he has regressed to his child-state and only imagines that they are around. This seems likely if we take into account the information that we later learn from "Hell Comes Home".

The Last Temptation

Steven appears again as the protagonist in The Last Temptation, Alice Cooper's 1994 album. This time he seems to be free. In the tie-in comic he's depicted as a young boy. This could mean it is a prequel or that Steven is imagining himself in a free world. I do not believe this is a prequel to Nightmare and all the other albums. For a start, it's called The Last Temptation. It could hardly come before Nightmare, in which Steven has succumbed to the temptations of alcohol. Moreover, Steven is shown to have sexual desires for the character Mercy, which means he must be of a mature age in reality.

So in The Last Temptation, Steven goes (in his mind) to the sideshow, where he meets the Showman (depicted as Alice in the comic), who offers him things. The Showman shows him how his life could be boring or miserable, and offers him a way out. In crisis, Steven prays for salvation, and ultimately confronts the Showman and rejects him. The Showman is strongly implied to be the Devil, which is basically confirmed on the next album, Brutal Planet, as the Devil on that album shares his catchphrase, "nothing's free".

The Last Temptation is a morality play, and Steven's rejection of the Devil seems to clear the way for his redemption: "I'm Heaven bound/Go back to where you belong". Thematically, it also represents a rejection of the sideshow, the "Escape" from reality Steven has relied on for so long. By overcoming his demons both literal and figurative, he may now be able to rejoin the world.

Along Came a Spider

The name Steven reoccurred on 2009's Along Came a Spider. This album revolves around a serial killer named Spider who's collecting legs from eight victims to create his own giant spider, like a cross between Dahmer's zombies and The Human Centipede. At the end of the record he reveals to Steven that he's been in this cell for 25 years, so couldn't possibly have committed the recent murders.

From the wording it could be interpreted that Steven shares the cell with him, or that he has some sort of multiple personality disorder, because he uses the word "we". I don't think it's common practice for the criminally insane to bunk up together, but if Steven isn't in the cell with him, why is he there? Well Steven on The Last Temptation and Spider both kind of find Jesus in their respective storylines, so maybe Steven is a priest now and he's visiting Spider in prison. I don't know if that was the idea though. It could not be. Another possibility is that Steven is another personality of Spider.

DaDa theory

Alice Cooper's best album is also one of his less widely known. 1982's DaDa told the story of Sonny, who may also have multiple personalities. Some fans believe that Sonny is also Steven. Potentially, Alice, Steven, Sonny and Spider could all be the same person (of course, they are IRL). I don't believe that Sonny was meant to be Steven, as there are no overt continuity references on DaDa, and Sonny commits suicide at the end of the album. However, Sonny and Steven both seem to share something in common in their backstories: an abusive father.

The Nightmare returns

Steven is mentioned one more time to date in the AC discography: in track "When Hell Comes Home" from Welcome 2 My Nightmare, the 2011 sequel to the original. The song describes a scenario in which a young boy shoots his alcoholic father who has returned home in a menacing rage. This boy appears to be Steven, which, in keeping with our conception of Steven as a grown man in Nightmare 1, makes this a prequel within a sequel, like the Vito scenes in Godfather 2. Killing his abusive father may be the traumatic event that caused Steven to lose his childhood, which he would spend his adult life trying to get back.

As Steven is only mentioned on the one track, it seems likely that the protagonist for the rest of the album is Alice himself, as on Alice Cooper Goes to Hell. Except, as we know, Alice is likely the creation of Steven. The album ends with his surprise death, which would seem to put an end to the character once known as Steven. Except, as we know, Alice Cooper is the grand villain of rock and roll, and like all good villains, he can never truly die.

Do YEW have an autismal theory about a series of albums going back to 1975??? Poast!

Sweet Dreams: Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare!!!

Nominal series endings generally at least try to go out on a high note. Friday the 13th had two (The Final Chapter and The Final Friday), one of which was good and the other tried, bless it. A Nightmare on Elm Street, however, approached its death in an advanced state of dementia, drooling and shitting all over itself. Fortunately, this wasn't the last movie, because nothing with "final" in the title ever is. Without further ado, let's delve into the heart of retardation.

The glasses do nothing! I'm still watching Freddy's Dead!

Freddy's Dead opens with a guy on a plane. He's obviously having a nightmare. His seat flies out of the plane and he wakes up in bed. He goes over to the window and finds Freddy flying on a broomstick dressed up as the Wicked Witch of the West. You know those Comics Code approved Joker stories from Silver Age comics where instead of killing people he played pranks and stole that kid's report card? This is the equivalent of that for horror movies. Jesus Christ.

There's jumping the shark and then there's this bullshit.

So the kid makes his way to a delinquents' centre run by Maggie Burroughs and her shoulder pads. Breckin Myer (Road Trip) is there, along with Tracy, who likes violence but dislikes being touched, and Carlos, who has a hearing aid. As lame as this is, it's still more characterisation than most movies these days have, so whatever. Maggie takes the nameless kid back to Springwood to find out all about him, and the others stow away in the van because this is a wacky comedy (Road Trip).

A fun game is to pause at any second of this joint and see whose expression matches your own.

Springwood is a ghost town in this movie because Freddy killed everyone offscreen between movies. Why they thought that would be less interesting to show us than Freddy playing Nintendo and stealing a deaf kid's hearing aid for 90 minutes, I have no idea. The town with no children could have been a fantastically creepy setting, but instead it sucked.

The Twin Peaks nod is nice and all, but imagine if this flick had half the atmosphere of that show.

So Freddy offs the kids in increasingly stupid ways, stopping only to shill for Nintendo, and then somehow follows Maggie and Tracy back to wherever they come from. I guess the rules for this instalment are that Freddy can't leave Springwood without someone to carry him, so he sent out the John Doe character to bring someone back for him to hitch a ride on. So why didn't he just hitch a ride with the John Doe? Anyway, Maggie learns that she's Freddy's daughter (dumb) and that he got his powers from three floating skull things (gay) and that he lived in the famous Elm Street house, meaning that Nancy's mom moved into the house of the guy she torched (Road Trip).

A twist of some potential fascination teased, then instantly abandoned for more dumb shlock.

Freddy still has powers in the waking world, he just stops using them immediately after this for no reason at all.

Look, you've read my part 5 writeup. You know I'll defend practically anything with the Elm Street name attached to it. This piece of shit is on its own.

You know you're looking at a classy production when all the newspaper articles are copypasted from the sports page and World War 2 history books.

The once feared dream demon kills time by taunting a deaf kid.

Finally Maggie defeats Freddy with the power of 3D glasses, probably because they realised Friday the 13th had a 3D instalment and didn't want to miss out on the trendwhoring, even though 3D wasn't even trendy in the early 90s. Is there anything good about this movie? Well, I liked the fact that Alice Cooper is Freddy's stepdad. I liked the gag where he cuts off his fingers while counting down the ways people have killed him in the past. Maggie was pretty hot. Oh, and Iggy Pop wrote a song for the credits in like two minutes for it, which I thought was funny.

Just close your eyes and think of Dream Warriors.

What did Rachel Talalay mean by this?

The best way to view this one is not even as part of the series but as a parody of it, but even that doesn't work too well because it doesn't even have enough jokes per minute to work as a Hot Shots style parody. But if the intention was to kill off any interest in the series, they succeeded. Killing off Freddy gave it a small box office bump but by the time of Wes Craven's New Nightmare a few years later, nobody cared about Freddy anymore. That's a shame because New Nightmare is one of the best in the series, and almost certainly the best seventh instalment in any film series.

Thank God It's Friday The 13th: 13 facts about Jason

Hello campers! Let me tell you a story of a young boy who overcame deformity and retardation to become one of history's most beloved mass murderers. His name was Jason, and today is his birthday the day after which his biopics are named. This contains spoilers for all the Friday the 13th movies, if such a thing is even possible.

1. Jason wore six masks over the course of the original series. In Part 2 he wore a bag on his head, which led to him falling off a stool and getting kicked in the nuts because he couldn't see properly. In Part 3, he took his first hockey mask from a guy named Shelley, whom he whacked. This mask lasted until Part 7, weathering an axe blow and a boat propeller before getting pulled apart by Discount Carrie. They even buried this one with him, just in case he needed it when he rose from the grave in Part 6, which was very considerate of them. Knowing how attached he was to his mask, it's fortunate that in Part 8 the very first boat to come along and wake him from the bottom of the lake had one on it. That one was lost in the sewers of New York when he dissolved in toxic sludge and turned into a child (yes), but then in Part 9 he was just back with a new mask. In Part 10 he got upgraded into a cyborg for some fucking reason, giving him a new and shiny mask, and in Freddy Vs Jason he just woke up with a mask on because fuck it.

   

   Axe sold separately.

2. Jason can only be killed by whatever plot bullshit comes into play, but can consistently be revived by electricity, as shown in Parts 6 and 8. This is handy, as it means you can jump start your Jason just by shoving his pinky in a wall socket.
3. Jason suffered from hydrocephalus as a child. That is why his head is swollen and weirdly shaped. All the kids at Camp Crystal Lake bullied Jason for his appearance.

   

   Strangely, the camp counsellors sing Kum Ba Yah even when there are no kids around.

4. In Part 9 Jason is revealed to be activated by a Mini Boglin that lives in his heart and possesses people. This was discovered after he was blowed up by the FBI (yes). Like the sludge turning him into a child in the previous movie, this was deemed so stupid it was never mentioned again. Freddy Vs Jason took the same approach to Jason going to space in Jason X, making an unbroken trilogy of movies that were too embarrassed to acknowledge the one before them.
5. In Part 2, Jason lives in a shack in the middle of the woods. This shack has an indoor toilet, which suggests Jason is an adept plumber, like Mario. If the douchebag kids had not let Jason drown as a child, this indicates that he would now be fixing your pipes, and probably making more money than them.

   

   Jason's toilet. There's probably a toy of this.

6. Also in his shack is a shrine to his dead mother, in which her head is the centrepiece. This means Jason took the head after Alice cut it off in Part 1, and nobody thought it was strange that they found a decapitated body with no head at the murder scene.
7. Kane Hodder declared that Jason would not kill a child or a dog. While this is consistent with his portrayal in the four films in which Hodder starred, it makes the scenes in 4 where Jason chases after Tommy kind of strange. Rewatching them, we can only conclude that Jason wanted to tickle him.

   

   Warning: a noogie from Jason can cause skull fractures.

8. Parts 1, 2 and 4 are actually good movies.
9. Jason's ability to regenerate makes no sense and was clearly just made up as the series dragged on and got lazier and lazier. However, it allows for the hilarious scene in Jason X where they try to explain why he was frozen: they literally couldn't execute him.
10. Jason is the only horror icon to make a Final Girl visibly pee herself (Part 2).

    

    Don't lie, you would have too.

11. Jason can kill people with everything from a weed whacker to a party horn. He is also strong enough to punch a guy's head clean off. What this means is that he uses weapons only for the lulz, a fact which is supported by his swapping out weapons constantly for no reason.
12. Jason has been missing an eye since Cory Feldman impaled him through it with his own machete. After having both his eye sockets gouged out by Freddy in Freddy Vs Jason, he is later seen closing an intact eye, meaning that he can totally regenerate eyes, he just doesn't.
13. Jason's personal theme song is "He's Back (The Man Behind The Mask)" by Alice Cooper. This song is so 80s it will literally spray your hair.

Did I miss anything??? 8 years of school??? What am I doing with my life?????

Pat Bastard's Top Ten Most Bastardly Songs!!

Put this on your play list. Be sure to play it backwards until you can hear my voice. I'll tell you what to do.

1. Anything by Anal Cunt (the best band in the world).
2. "Now It's Dark" by Anthrax. This is the anthem of the best character ever from Blue Velvet: Dennis Hopper. In the song he sings his best lines from the movie, such as "don't you fucking look at me" and "I am ONE FUCKING WELL DRESSED MAN!", a sentence only Dennis Hopper can yell at people.
3. "No Man's Land" by Alice Cooper. Alice Cooper has many songs that could qualify, like "I Love The Dead" (about fucking corpses), "Sanctuary" (asking everyone to fuck off so he can sit in his room), and "Blue Turk" (about fucking corpses). But instead I went for the best bastardly song in his whole storied catalogue, which is about the time he abandoned his gig as a mall Santa to go fuck some chick.
4. "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" by the Beatles. This is where Paul McCartney temporarily went insane and wrote a song about a guy who murders everyone with a hammer. That's why, even though John was always the one who gave Ringo shit and trolled religion and let Yoko record music, Paul was secretly the best bastard in the group.
5. "It's Gonna Get Worse" by Catherine: a song about how much you suck.
6. "I'm Destructive" by Dr Octagon. This song starts with everyone's favourite Juvian gynaecologist murdering someone with electric wires. He then asks how the listener would react if he violently assaulted them and their pets. Finally the song devolves into rambling such as "Like a green red blue reindeer, dead lying down with a fawn/Copulating, having sex/Mating with a baboon with buffalo wings/Hahahahaha". This is awesome, and great.
7. "Bastards on Parade" by the Dropkick Murphys. This is all about an asshole who pissed away his life, but now he's going to own it and be awesome. This is an inspiration to the rest of us who are presently awful.
8. "Let's Have A War" by Fear. "Let's have a war/So you can go die". Sufficient said.
9. "I'm Sick Of You" by Iggy Pop, in which the legend himself follows someone around for nearly seven minutes telling them he's sick not only of them, but of their mom and dad, for extra spite flavour.
10. "If I Had" by Eminem, in which he reveals that even if he had all the money in the world, he'd just spend it on stupid shit to spite people. I know how he feels, and I'm a 60-year-old man with Crohn's disease.
11. "Lovey Dovey" by Local H. This is where Scott Lucas reveals that he hates it when his friends are in relationships that make them happy, and derives glee from watching them fail.
12. "Last Caress" by the Misfits: definitely the best song of all the time, this is where Danzig has something to say, and it turns out it's that he whacked your baby.
13. "Run Shithead Run" by Mudhoney. This was written for a movie soundtrack. They put the lyrics in to force the filmmakers to use the instrumental track instead. They didn't. Hilarity ensued all over the place. Easily the best song ever to play at the gym.
14. "Beat On The Brat" by the Ramones, about wailing on a child with a baseball bat.
15. "Waving My Dick In The Wind" by Ween, about the titular activity.

I haven't provided any links because I'm so lazy I've basically melted, but you've got YouTube, so go listen to the scientifically most bastardly songs ever.