UNHINGED is KNHO!

Many and varied are the slasher flicks that thick-rimmed-glasses-bedecked bloggers will claim are the great overlooked classics of the genre. Some will cite The Initiation, with its apparently hilarious penile costumes. Others will proclaim the impeccable gore effects of The Prowler/Rosemary's Killer, or the masterful twist ending of Happy Birthday to Me. But they are all objectively wrong, because the greatest slasherkino you've never heard of unless you are a virgin at 47 is Don Gronquist's 1982 masterstroke Unhinged.

Unironically kinography

What makes Unhinged kino is the same thing that makes Kwaidan kino: it is so slow and boring that when something finally happens it's twenty times as shocking because the film had lulled you into near-sleep. I mean this entirely seriously: the film is not le-so-bad-it's-good in the usual sense. Rather, it is so bad it's actually really good.

Unhinged is mostly known for being one of the infamous video nasties banned by the risible joke of a country known as the UK. There's a fair amount of gore but, let's be honest, it looks faker than a Kardashian and in any case is no worse than most Friday the 13ths. I wish someone would ban the UK.

The inspiration of Psycho and The Shining are evident throughout, and I can only assume 90% of the budget went on the helicopter shots of the protagonists driving endlessly through woods. This was a good decision because it lends the picture a ton of style and sets it apart from the other micro-budgeters of its day. The lack of funds to go around also keeps the action limited to a couple of locations, which play perfectly on the combination of claustrophobia and isolation you experience when stuck in a creepy old house in the woods in the middle of nowhere.

Since almost nothing happens in the filmographeme, it would be impossible to say much more without spoilers, so I will leave you with this demonstration of the masterful artistry of the much underappreciated Gronquist, who in the Berenstein world is regarded in the pantheon of greats.

Don Gronquist made this shot scary 8 years before David Lynch.

Thank God It's Friday The 13th: Friday the 13th Part 3: 3-D!!!

It's that time of year again: October. Unrelatedly, it's also Friday the 13th, which means I'm going to be wildly autistic about one of the greatest film series about a fellow retard ever to exist*. I was going to write about parts 1 & 2, but I'm already doing a writeup of another slasherkino so let's delve into one of the dumb ones instead.

Friday the 13th Part 3: 3-D is chiefly noted for being the one in 3D, and consequently the one where the guy's eye pops out towards the camera (despite sounding potentially horrific, this is actually hilarious). My copy of the DVD only includes the 2D version, but you can still tell it was filmed in 3D because people keep shoving crap right up into the camera for no plot-related reason.

The magic of 3D: annoying everyone by invading their space like the worst kid in school.

The movie starts with a disco theme that sounds straight out of Prom Night, which instantly kills the still-effective atmospherics of the first two movies and sets the stage for the increasingly gimmicky and only sometimes intentionally funny sequels to come. The cast of hippies and other degenerates are introduced, and set about killing time at their holiday home near Crystal Lake, ignoring the warnings of everyone's favourite Eyeball Guy.

The fact that everyone forgets about this guy five minutes after meeting him proves they were never going to make it anyway.

Aside from the 3D chicanery, what makes this movie super funny is the plot (of sorts). It took me a couple of viewings to confirm this, but this is the movie in which Jason hides in a barn and people keep disturbing him until he snaps and kills them all. Because in those early days of the franchise, the writers still thought they were telling some kind of rudimentary story, Jason has things like motivation in this movie. He starts off stealing clothes from a local couple (whom he kills, because why not?), and heads to the barn to lay low, knowing the cops will be looking for him after last night's massacre (Part 3 takes place the day after Part 2, making it definitely not Friday the 13th, not that anybody cares).

Damn kids, get away from my barn!

The problem for Jason is that these kids show up at the house opposite his barn, and one by one they just keep coming in. They even incur the wrath of a local bike gang, who are also drawn into the barn. The movie is much funnier if you watch it with the understanding that Jason isn't trying to kill anyone else. He's actually for once doing the smart thing, laying low until the heat blows over and he can return to his shack in the woods. But everyone trails through his barn, and he kills them to keep from being discovered.

Finally Shelley, a fat, annoying nerd who plays practical jokes so everyone will like him, little realising that this is the reason no one likes him, enters the barn carrying a certain hockey mask. At this point, Jason has had enough. He kills Shelley, takes the mask, and wipes out everyone until the Final Girl stops him (for now).

Not many know that Jason stole his iconic look from a fat kid with a Jewfro.

The other thing that's odd about this one is that the Final Girl has a flashback to encountering Jason the year before (which would be before Part 2). In her flashback, Jason didn't wear a mask, and attacked her but didn't kill her, neither of which are behaviours we associate with Jason. Final Girl narrates Hemingwayesquely, "he had a knife...and he attacked me with it!" but if he did, he doesn't seem to have been very successful. This raises the intriguing possibility that this was how Jason learned to kill people - by trial and error. Did he knock her out and hammer her legs with the handle of his knife?

Jason is not one of life's great thinkers.

Sadly, this would be the last time in the series that the character of Jason was developed at all, even if it was in a way that made no sense. Getting the hockey mask effectively turned him from a character into a full-time icon, and in some ways that is sad. On the positive side, his wacky antics would continue to amuse for decades to come.

*I can say this because I am in fact retarded. Also, because it's a funny word and it's OK to admit that.

Event Review: Slowdive, Manchester Albert Hall 10/10/17

I saw Slowdive live, completing my life.

This is my photographemes from the show :)

Pros:

• literally saw beyond the universe
• pure musikino
• 10000% better than whatever stool you listen to

Cons:

• >tfw no sunshine girl gf

Would you like to see more music reviews??? Y/N