Money (it's a crime).

People keep telling me money can’t buy me happiness, but I'm becoming suspicious of this claim. Here’s what I’d do if I were rich, and you can tell me if it sounds like something that would make you happy:

I’d live somewhere warm, like an island. If an island couldn't be found with the right climate, I’d have one airlifted nearer the equator, because I’d be rich.

Every morning I’d waterski behind a speedboat driven by my butler. Then I’d discipline him for splashing me, and getting my tuxedo wet (I’d wear a tuxedo when I waterskied, because I’d be rich).

Then in the afternoon I’d recline on a marble statue of Diane Lane and watch my Sopranos boxset end-to-end.

I think that would make me happy, but I guess I won’t know until I try it, so donations are appreciated.