Thank God It's Friday The 13th: Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday???

Jason Goes to Hell has about as much to do with Friday the 13th as the average Hellraiser sequel has to do with Hellraiser, which is ironic because Jason Goes to Hell has a lot in common with Hellraiser, such as this inexplicable gay bondage scene in which Jason, possessing a doctor, shaves a guy:

Clive Barker doesn't get made fun of enough.

There are two good things about the ninth instalment of Friday the 13th. One is the opening sequence, which should have been the whole film. A woman arrives at a cabin in the woods, gets naked and steps into the shower, but the power cuts out and Jason shows up to slice her with his machete. She runs into the woods and he chases her into an ambush in which a large unit of federales light him up with excessive force including a mortar or something which blows his entire body to bits.

Based Agent Hotty so pleased she's forgotten all about her gushing wound.

You can stop watching there to be honest. It was a fun opening and it made sense they would do that eventually, and flipped the script on the expected helpless victim without being a bore about it. Sadly, there was more to come. For some reason, even though it had never even been hinted at before, the writers chose to make the "real" Jason a Mini Boglin who lives in his heart and possesses people. The coroner who gets to deal with Jason's body bits decides for no reason to eat the heart and thus becomes possessed, and then proceeds to pass the Boglin on through several other hosts until blah blah who cares this movie sucks.

"Om nom nom" - a medical professional

The correct amount of lore in a Friday the 13th flick is none to negative (negative meaning it erases the ending of a previous film, which they nearly always do). This one way overcompensates with a stupid backstory about a magic dagger that can only be wielded by a Voorhees and a bounty hunter character who, I don't know, knows all this for some reason. It's so hard to care, and I'm not trying very hard. The Boglin looks like this, and at one point it crawls into his sister's cunt. I am by no means making that up:

Imagine being a professional actor and being told to wrestle with this rubber chicken looking piece of shit.

This is supposed to be a tie-in to some other flick but fuck that, Marvel sucks.

Boglin incest necrophilia is the next frontier in civil rights, but you're a monster if you like normal tits.

Eventually Jason pops back up looking exactly like he did before exploding, hockey mask and all. Blah blah they stab him and he goes to Hell, as the title already suggested. It looks something like this, if you're curious:

What a flamboyant way to die.

Fortunately nothing from this instalment was ever mentioned again, with the exception of the second good thing which eventually culminated in the last (to date) good movie in both this and the Nightmare on Elm Street series:

"Yoink" - Freddy Krueger

But don't get too wet for it yet, because there's one more Friday the 13th to go before we get to it, and it is out of this world.

Breaking in the new girl

 

bitches love man splaining

Jimbo: The Thinking Barbarian - 6. Desperation on a Red Line!

In which Jimbo first meets his most deadly enemy:

Theme: Heavy Metal - Sammy Hagar

NEW Video: Release the Raimi Cut

Sam Raimi's controversial masterpiece Spiderman 4 has never seen the light of day. For the first time ever I can present you with leaked footage from the supposedly scrapped project, in reality shelved by the studio after a letter-writing campaign complaining of some of its more graphic and racially charged aspects. Nonetheless, I think u will agree that Raimi's true vision warrants a reassessment, as this scene will prove. Not recommended viewing for the faint of heart.

#ReleasetheRaimicut

NEW: The Sopranos Fully Explained in 56 Seconds!

 "Ayyy" - Arthur Fonzarelli

"Ohhh" - Peter Paul "Paulie Walnuts" Gualtieri

Jimbo: The Thinking Barbarian - 5. Morbus Groovis!

 do u ever think abt th@ medieval dancing siccness?

Theme: The Aztec Rock - The Aztecs

i do

Jimbo: The Thinking Barbarian - 4. The Mines of Chaos Crystal!

Theme: Between the Hammer and the Anvil - Judas Priest

Inexplicable kino: Treasure: The Search For The Golden Horse!

Treasure, also known as Treasure: The Search For The Golden Horse, is not a filmographeme in the usual sense, but a 1984 "puzzle by Dr Crypton".

I imagine Dr Crypton rubbing his hands together gleefully before exclaiming "fools! They shall never solve my devious puzzle!"

I guess in the 80s there was no way to Stayvunpoast on /tv/ so the people entertained themselves trying to solve the location of a buried golden horse by watching Treasure and attempting to decipher any clues it might have contained. After literal minutes of research on Infogalactic I found that the solution to the problem remains contested and several people tried to sue the masterminds for their unclear or ambiguous clues.

However, who cares? For I suspect that Dr Crypton grasped what David Lunch did when he made Twin Peaks. The solution to the mystery can never be as satisfying as the mystery itself. In fact Treasure anticipates Twin Peaks in much of its bizarre-ass imagery including the cryptic Masonic references and creepy owls so characteristic of that early 90s puzzle. There is even a creepily masked party that seems like a foreshadow of Eyes Wide Shut.

This fuck with the umbrella must have been pored over so hard for clues.

If any of this means anything though it will likely never be fully elucidated. Treasure, on the surface, is a fantasy of childlike wonderment about a young woman's search for her childhood horsey. The plot is unimportant and redundantly narrated by, I think, one of those classic trailer VO actors, but while most filmmakists might have seen this exercise as simply a gimmick to phone in as lazily as possible, for no reason at all the team behind Treasure created a striking work of montage cinema like a classic silent film, with ostentatious helicopter shots and an unreasonably good score in that synthy mid-80s vein. A VHS rip is uploaded on YT complete with those video scratches that complete that sense that you have stumbled on a lost artifact. The kinography is spoiled (or enhanced) only by what may at the time have been cutting-edge transitions that now look like the shit my generation used to put in Powerpoint presentations to pad them out in school:

I like to imagine this had the effect on 80s viewers that the train pulling into the station is said to have had in 1895.

Hilariously dated video effects aside, the overkill of audiovisual quality brought to bear for this production makes it worth the hour or so it will take you to watch it, and the subtle wholesome-as-a-mask-for-sinister vibes make it a compelling subject for the /x/-inclined and Lunch enthusiast alike.