RANKED: The Top 10 Animals!!!

"That's all very well, Pat", you muse, fresh off yet another binge of my superlative blôggue because it's the only thing worth reading on the internet, "but what exactly are the top ten animals? For I, a plebeian fuck, know only maybe dogs, cats, hamsters, birds - all of which I just call birds - and perhaps goldfish. Tell me more about the wonders of nature". OK.

Indian Giant Squirrel

I once travelled to the wilds of Maharashtra in search of this squirrel, which most of the twenty billion Indians don't seem to be aware exists. Well your humble blogguiste can confirm they're real, and they come in a wild variety of colours and patterns from reddish brown and white to full purple and orange. If I were Indian I would never shut the fuck up about these S-tier squirrels.

Binturong

The second greatest animal looks like a combination of so many other animals it might have been mashed together by an overly broad AI prompt. Often known as a bear-cat, to me it looks more like a raccoon-spidermonkey, complete with prehensile tail. Based on videos where they wrap themselves around people's shoulders, a binturong would be an excellent accessory for a pirate in some period adventurekino set in Indonesia, if anyone made good movies I want to see anymore.

Giant Oarfish

Every source you will find on the giant oarfish spins with a straight face that they may have "been mistaken for" or "inspired tales of" mythical sea serpents, instead of admitting that sea serpents are real and are simply a massive fish instead of a massive snake. Just look at this fucking thing.

Okapi

Once mistaken for a forest zebra due to its patterned hindquarters, the okapi is in fact a closer cousin of the giraffe. I'll take it over either, though, because it's great. The okapi has an extremely long prehensile tongue which it can wrap around a bunch of vegetation and rip it out for eating. If I had this, I would use it to steal ice cream cones from children, and then laugh in their stupid faces as they cried.

Resplendent Quetzal

The most /fa/ civilisation in history, the Aztecs, accessorised with the unparalelled plumage of this alien-looking bird, one of nature's most strikingly weird beauties, like Anya Tayylmao if she were of the avian persuasion.

Peacock Tarantula

Another kino animal almost unknown to its multitudinous countrymen, the peacock tarantula is endemic to a single forest in Andhra Pradesh. A bright blue spider is the most made-up-sounding thing you can imagine, but it's real. Even the most arachnophobic little baby bitch should celebrate this overlooked jewel in God's creation.

Yeti Crab

I gave my thoughts on the yeti crab one million years ago, and they have not changed. What an excellent animal.

Sun Bear

Like the okapi, the sun bear has an unusually long tongue, but unlike the okapi, it is a bear, and uses it to scoop out honey from beehives or some such nonsense. Sun bears may not be the biggest bear, but they're the coolest one. Perhaps had Timothy Treadwell been Sun Man instead of Grizzly Man, he wouldn't have had his face eaten as he screamed. Food for thought!

Superb Fruit Dove

As you can already tell by its name, the superb fruit dove is a cut above lesser fruit doves, with a bright pink patch on its head like "what are you going to do about it asshole?" - an attitude shared by all flight-proficient birds, but seldom with such self-justifying flair.

Rhinoceros Hornbill

All hornbills are cool but for my money, the rhinoceros one is the best. Named for the rhinoesque curvature of its casque, this bird is better than anything you've ever done or heard of in your pointless life. They can give off a majestic call with the amplificatory effect of the casque, and their eyes are colour-coded, with the males' being red and the females' white. I wish you'd go away.

But those are just my thoughts, what are yours? List your favourite animals in the comments and subscribe to EmptyHero on YouTube dot com.

Who would win: leucism zebra or quagga?

The quagga was/is a type of zebra that gave up halfway going backwards. That is to say, only its front half has the zebra stripes, whereas its back half is a horse.

The quagga became extinct in the 1880s, but zebras have now been bred to look like it, so at least quasi-quaggas can be found on Earth today. But wait: a challenger appears!

Due to leucism, a pigmentary condition often confused with albinism, this zebra is like the quagga in reverse. It's like you have enough for a full horse and a full zebra, but spread across two animals. Maybe they're both pantomime horses whose operators mixed up their costumes. Other examples of leucism include this toucan:

"Kick A Ginger Day is NOT funny" - this toucan

And this peacock:

"Remember the name you all had for me when I was at internal affairs? What was it, Gordon?" - this peacock

I think the leucism zebra would win, because it has a more ostentatious mohawk. What do YOUM think? Let me know down in the comments.

Roar: The Most Insane Film Ever Made

You all remember Timothy Treadwell, from the greatest docukino, Grizzly Man? Well now imagine he had fuckoff money and was married to a classic Hollywood A-lister, and made his own little Apocalypse Now, except set entirely in the Kurtz compound and starring himself as Dennis Hopper's spaced-out photographer character, and instead of people the inhabitants of the compound were lions.

Yes.

That is, roughly speaking, what Roar is. Noel Marshall was the nutter, Tippi Hedren his equally deranged wife, and a young Melanie Griffith their IRL daughter. Along with two sons from a previous marriage, they form the family at the heart (of darkness) of the most window-licking movie venture ever funded. If Aguirre-era Herzog and Kinski had been pitched this idea, they would have thought it was too nuts. The picture proudly proclaims in its opening credits that no animals were harmed (which I doubt), but cheerfully omits to mention that seventy members of the cast and crew were injured by the said felines, including DP Jan de Bont (who would go on to do Die Hard and Speed) who was fucking scalped by one of the beasts.

U N T R A I N E D

Marshall plays a version of himself called Hank, and Hedren plays a version of herself named Madeleine. This version of her evidently doesn't remember The Birds, which should have given her a healthy fear and loathing of nature on its own. Their kids, however, all play themselves, or at least use their IRL names, possibly in case they needed to keep in any personalised screams for help that might have occurred during filming.

*Record scratch* *freeze frame* I bet you're wondering how I got into this position...

I'd like to think it goes without saying that getting up close and personal with lions (and tigers, and various other dangerous beasts) is one of the worse ideas you can come up with, but this has never occurred to Hank, who goes off on a boat trip leaving his family to arrive unsuspecting at his compound which is now empty except for the hundred and fifty ravenous predators he likes to pal around with.

What's the worst that could happen?

His way back is further complicated when a couple of his tiger friends hop on the boat and capsize it, which I'm not sure was meant to happen, which is something I can say for most of the events in this film. I say this because the animals literally get writing credits for their improv skills, because Noel "One Flew Over The Lion's Den" Marshall doesn't know the difference between improv and the fact that a fucking animal doesn't know it's on a movie set and is only interested in food, rutting, and mayhem.

Except this one which is really into skateboarding.

Meanwhile, Hedren et al spend a lot of time running and hiding from the lions. The sons lock themselves in various things and Hedren loses her top, tries to pull a lion off her daughter by its TAIL, and gets a jar of honey or something drop on her face. I thought this was going to be a plot point that would lead to one of the animals trying to lick/eat it off her, but it never pays off, so it's just another small moment of inexplicable derangement in the midst of what is certainly the best movie no one should have ever even thought of making.

After this she steps on a rake nine times and falls into a cactus.

There's a subplot about two guys who get mauled at the start of the picture coming back to shoot some lions and tigers, which takes care of itself when the one antisocial lion, Togar, whom we can recognise because he's always covered in blood, shows up and mauls them to death. If they weren't in the movie at all it would make absolutely no difference.

"Yes, this looks like a sensible animal to put in a home movie with my family" - Noel

In case getting chased, sliced up and otherwise harassed by the pride wasn't enough, Tippi Hedren then gets in a fight with an elephant.

The woman has no luck at all with animals.

It's worth noting that the film score seems to have been grafted on from an entirely different project, as it's all feel-good family comedy stuff, bookended by two utterly emetic hippy type pop/folk/rock songs about harmony and loving one another and suchlike, all of which is so tonally dissonant with what we're watching, which is definitely funny, but like the Darwin Awards are funny, and laced with a healthy dose of cringe as at any moment you're afraid one of the improv stars is going to improv biting the face off a cast member. Apparently Griffith actually sustained a facial injury and needed reconstructive surgery. Bet you don't think your parents were so mean now (unless you were molested).

Ceiling Cat fucking told you not to masturbate. Now he's sending in the big guns.

Fortunately Roar is never boring and if you look at it as a sort of surrealistic satire it's a pretty great work of art. If you look at it as 100% sincere it's kind of even better because it's a glimpse into madness at the opposite end of the social spectrum to the guy that sits next to you on the bus. Either way, check out Roar.

Here is an article that goes into a bit more detail on the film's background.

The yeti crab looks made up, but isn't.

Look at this yeti crab with its great big long monkey arms. It looks like a video game boss, not a real thing.

However, the yeti crab is real, and that is great. Sadly you can't have one as a pet, because they live around volcanic fissures in the ocean.

It is my dream to some day live among the yeti crabs.

Bring back megafauna.

The titanoboa was a 40-foot-long snake. The longest snake recorded in modern times was 25 feet. I bet the 40-foot snake could eat the 25-foot snake for breakfast.

100% accurate size chart

You'd never go swimming in those times, because there were megalodons everywhere. If you think sharks today are scary, you're a pussy. Megalodons were so big they could eat a helicopter. If we had megalodons today we'd have invented planes much earlier, because no one would be stupid enough to take a boat out on the sea. You'd get eaten and killed by the megalodon.

Even if you stayed on land, you'd probably get knocked the fuck out by one of those giant dragonflies or something. If you were really slow, megatherium the giant ground sloth might eat you, although I think it ate tree branches or something but whatever, I bet it would totally kill and eat you.

Nowadays everything's too small, because there's not enough oxygen in the air and the temperature is way too damn low. As a long person, I want to rectify that.

I propose we free up some oxygen by planting more rainforests. To do this, we can clear a couple of cities. No one would miss Warrington, or Milton Keynes. I say bulldoze the lot and pop some rainforests in the ground there.

Then we could pollute more to make global warming happen. This would bring back the conditions for enormous animals. YES/NO?

The barreleye fish is my only friend.

"Ayy lmao" - the barreleye fish

The barreleye fish has a transparent head, allowing for a great range of movement for its swivelly eyes, pictured above in green. The eyes on the front aren't really eyes, which explains their dopey expression. The barreleye is clearly the fish that likes to get high all the time, and is generally chill. I wish I lived among the barreleyes, far from people who want me to fetch them pastries or sign their kids.

Seven big-eyed animals that are cuter than your kids!!!

Everyone knows big eyes are the universal symbol for cuteness. Not everyone knows that JFK was murdered by the world central bank.

This puppy's eyes are pretty big. Not big enough to save it from the gas though. Pic by Anderson Nascimento.

This loris is slow, awww! It rides the short bus!

Holy fuck, this one's eyes are bigger than my face!!! Pic by Anthony Citrano.

The colossal squid has the biggest eyes ever, at 11 inches across. Here is one of its razor-hooked tentacles.

CONCLUSION: the colossal squid is the cutest animal. I don't even need to finish this list. Those other three are going to the pound.