Greatest Movie of All Time of the Week: The Mighty Crusaders!

Article theme: Crusader - Saxon

Me and the boys gather round the sacred gaming chair (2025, colourised).

The Muslim conquests started in the 7th Century and devastated the Persian and Byzantine empires, not because the Arabs had superior technology, strategy or tactics, but because both empires had outsourced large swathes of their militaries to Arab mercs who simply defected to Islam en masse. No one has learned anything from this, as the Respectable Bipartisan Consensus for the west under the Global American Empire has been to continuously wage war on Muslim countries like Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, Syria and Palestine while simultaneously importing Muslim immigrants into Europe at replacement levels.

Great job, asshole! You really thought that one through.

The same staggering endemic historical illiteracy and incuriosity explains why most westerners now think that The Crusades were unprovoked wars of aggression by Evil Christians instead of the most provoked and justified wars ever fought in history - a misnomer actively astroturfed by every single institution in the first world in a campaign of systematic DARVO that would shame Amber Heard. Pope Urban II called the First Crusade in 1095 after four and a half centuries of nonstop Muslim pillage and sporadic efforts at defence and reconquest by heroes such as Charles Martell and Rodrigo Díaz de Vivar (El Cid Campeador).

I choose to believe they were this dripmaxxed IRL.

But Italian kinograph The Mighty Crusaders, very loosely based on Jerusalem Delivered by Torquato Tasso, the epic poem that should rightly be renowned the Christian Iliad, extends thoroughly unwarranted grace to the forces that occupied Jerusalem at the time of the First Crusade. Just as in Homer's oftener regaled narrative, this siege has heroes on both sides.

For never was a story of more woe, than this of Tancredi and his mid MENA ho.

Macchiato Luigi plays Tancredi, the mightiest crusader of them all. Ferrari Pepperoni plays his archenemy and love interest, Clorinda. Gabagool Ovaheah plays Armida, the ambiguously witchy femme fatale. The epic poem has straight-up magic spells being thrown about this way and that, but the movie, much like the 2000s Troy, plays down any hint of supernatural bewitchment, rendering some of the characters' choices dumber than we might allow had the sorcery remained overt. Crusaders also treats us to some Star Trekian fight choreography:

"To win a swordfight, whip your sword around in the air like you're a helicopter" - Shadiversity

But as dumbed-down an adaptation as it inevitably is, it's still based to have an aesthetic kino celebrating those who took the cross, to say nothing of a film set in the middle ages with a colour palette beyond brown and grey.

It's also funny how Italian it all is.

Watch The Mighty Crusaders, read the poem, press S to spit on Ridley Scott, etc.

Mad Max Ripoffs: The New Barbarians!!!

Mad Max and The Road Warrior were among the most important movies of the late 70s and early 80s, a golden age in which the trashy and the classy briefly merged, resulting in a slew of genre pictures that were way better than ever before, like Halloween, the Star Wars trilogy, and The Shining. What was trashy? What was classy? People were literally confused. But never fear, anxious reader!!! For based Italy stepped in to restore genre movies to their wonderfully crappy B-roots with a bunch of post-apocalyptic ripoffs. Possibly the most infamous was...The New Barbarians!!!

"Books. That's what started the whole apocalypse!" - actual dialogue

You can tell a lot about a movie by its first image, and this one opens with a bunch of dead bodies in hazmat suits. The first one has boob domes; it has domes for boobs.

For the exhibitionist hazmat enthusiast.

So the plot involves the Templars, a group that drives around killing people to "purify" the earth, and their enemy, Scorpion, who spends his time driving around in circles and engaging in periodic shootouts with a small child who acts as his mechanic. The boy uses a catapult, Dennis the Menace-style, and Scorpion uses his handgun, which is very responsible. At first I assumed he didn't know it was a child who was attacking him, but the dialogue confirms they know each other and do this all the time, so I guess post-apocalyptic Italy just has less of a taboo about shooting at kids.

The Templars want to kill Scorpion, but they're not that fussed about it, as several scenes of conflict end with them pulling up next to each other, exchanging a few words, and then driving off like nothing happened.

"lol don't worry about this bad guy. We'll get him next week"

Along the way, Scorpion rescues a big-haired woman and is in turn rescued repeatedly (but very slowly) by a guy named Nadir, who dresses like a cross between a samurai and pimp, and is obsessed with being "the best", presumably to spite the parents who gave him a name that means "the worst".

The kid, the Templars and Nadir all know Scorpion, and it sort of seems like everyone just follows him around for want of anything better to do. No one really likes him, especially Nadir, who, on finding Scorpion being dragged behind a procession of Templars, very slowly shoots each one of them in turn, saving the one doing the dragging for last. Thanks, Nadir!

Nadir poses with Scorpion's car. Note the glowing green dome screaming "here I am" in a hostile wilderness.

There's also a completely inexplicable scene where the main Templar, Juan, apparently rapes Scorpion, except the way it's edited it kind of looks like he never removed his crotch piece, meaning he just awkwardly dry-humped Scorpion in front of all his minions.

You should definitely see The New Barbarians, because it's stupid and awesome. The movie also has a great moral that I can totally get behind:

"The more of a bastard you are, the surer you are to win" - the wisdom of a child

Post-apocalypse checklist:

MOHAWKS: one, purple.

SHOULDER PADS: all the Templars and Nadir have them.

CUSTOM CARS: Scorpion's has a detachable driver-side door, extendable drill, dome that lights up green at night, and rocket launcher in the boot. The Templars' have extendable whirring blades, drills and flamethrowers.

MUTANTS: some scavengers look like they might be.

GOGGLES: Big Hair has a fuckhueg red-tinted pair, for great justice.

TOTAL: 5/5 - totally post-apocalyptic.