Greatest Movie of All Time of the Week: Higher Learning!

Aight, listen up you filthy crackkkers. This week's greatest movie of all time of the week is by a Black director (it's about time). John Singleton's magnum opus, Higher Learning, stars Foreman from House as Will Smith, a young college freshman who butts heads with his bowtie conservative surrogate father figure Uncle Phil (Laurence Fishburne, Cherry 2000, Dream Warriors).

"WRONG, Will, the answer was in fact lupus" - Laurence Fishburne

Meanwhile, a wise and prescient campus raype subplot results in Kristy Swanson (The Chase, The Phantom) making out with Jennifer Connelly (Dark City, The Hot Spot), as though such a pretext were remotely needed.

"Um, John, what's my motivation for this scene?"
"Yours?"

In a fit of 90s rap typecasting, the movie also stars Ice Cube (the "Bye Felicia" gif) as himself, and Busta Rhymes as Soyjak:

"wHITE peephole on MY campus? I'm going insaaaane aaaaagh" - Busta Rhymes

Worse still, Will must contend with that perennial college campus menace: the local neo-nazi frat.

Your campus had one of these, right?

Naturally, these inconspicuous ne'er-do-wells fly safely under the radar of the racially profiling campus security, because I see bald wHITE guys in Doc Martens hanging around colleges all the time, looking to recruit shy autistic guys (those freaks need to be watched closely at all times). Naturally, these evil ethnats start an unprovoked race war against the noble, oppressed Black ethnats, culminating in a mass shooting. No spoiler warning necessary; we all know wHITE peephole just do that.

"Now hold your horses there, Patravious", you might object, wHITEly. You might go on to note that real-life instances of racial violence are far more likely to be Black-on-wHITE than wHITE-on-Black, recalling RACISTLY such cases as the Southport mass stabbing and the Waukesha Christmas parade car massacre. You might further note that all the real-life rape cultures turned out to be in overwhelmingly l*ft-wing environments like Hollywood, the BBC and the public school system, among homosexual priests, in minority-wHITE prisons, in South Asian immigrant communities in Bri'ain, and in m*ssad pedo blackmail rings, while all the hyped-up college campus cases turned out to be bullshit.

But here's the thing, wHITE DEVIL: you only know all that because you've been paying attention and learning, when what you should have been doing is unlearning. For today's kino has a righteous message so subtle I missed it the first time:

"'Ignorance is strength' - George Orville" - John Singleton

Happy April Fool's Day!

April Fool's Day is an ancient tradition in which people fuck with one another in the most mean-spirited ways possible. It is like every other day, except that when you get found out, you can plaster on a shit-eating grin and say "Aaapril Foool's!" and everyone will laugh despite the blood and tears.

You might think that April Fool's Day would be right up my alley, as I am a thoroughly despicable person. That's not a very nice thing to think though. It's judgemental, and that makes you as bad as me, if not worse. Probably worse, actually, because you're a good person. You should know better.

Everyone with horrible friends will of course be on the lookout for the pranksters and vagabonds among their ranks, and some friends employ a strategy of mutually assured destruction to ensure that any pranking going on will be met with excessive retaliation and the probable dissolution of the, in any case, inexplicable friendship.

This provides a good opportunity for you to exploit as a third party. Say you have a friend who has a friend you hate. You can frame the hated party for a prank on your good buddy, causing them to go to war and end their friendship. Be creative.

Another thing you can do is not prank people all April Fool's Day for years, making you look like a saint, and then offload with great brutality one year when nobody expects it. Note, however, that this will result in a loss of trust, so only do it when you've grown bored of your current circle of friends.

I was going to review the great slasher movie April Fool's Day (not the remake, of course), but I didn't because I was busy. Slaughter High is also set on April Fool's Day and invokes the Britbong tradition by which it runs out at midday. Remember this if you are ever in Bongesia, because if someone pranks you after midday the joke is on them, even though the tar and feathers may be on you.