Sword and Sorcery Tuesdays: The Warrior and the Sorceress!

Theme: Squeeze Me Macaroni - Mr Bungle

Say what you like about David Carradine, at least he died doing what he loved. I was trying to come up with an autoerotic asphyxiation joke, but I choked at the finish. But lest Davey-poo be remembered solely for the manner of his demise, let it also be known that he starred in a complete beat-for-beat ripoff of A Fistful of Dollars called The Warrior and the Sorceress. Since Fistful is itself a complete ripoff of Yojimbo, this is fine, although it steps clean over a chance to correct the major flaw in its western precursor: if the Man with No Name is such a slick badass, deftly playing both sides against each other, why does he fuck up, get caught and catch a beatdown like his plan was made up one step at a time?

"Durr hurr I'm retarded, I don't have a clue what I'm doing" - the Man with No Name.

It's vaguely implied that the low-tech fantasy setting might actually be more of an after-the-end type setting, making this extremely possibly a Mad Max ripoff. Evidence for this is one throwaway line at the start, the water shortage device, and the possibility that some of the rogue's gallery of weirdos might be mutants. The sorceress of the title seems to channel her magic only by making a powerful sword towards the end, so The Warrior and the Blacksmith might have been a more apt title. Carradine's character is described as a "homerac", but it's never explained what this is, which is fine, both because I don't care and because fictional worlds feel more authentic if everyone just acts like whatever mumbo jumbo jargon they use is perfectly self-explanatory, like zoomers.

♪Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain...

Anyway, two rival warlords are at odds over the only well in the village. One is grim no-nonsense guy from central casting, while the other is this lardass with an overfamiliar interest in his pet alligator:

At least, I thought it was an alligator, but later in the movie it gets up and walks on its hind legs like a person, so IDK. I suspect it might have been inspired by that little cackling muppet that sits beside Jabba the Hutt in Return of the Jedi. This one makes noises, but fatso seems to believe it's giving him advice, none of which pans out well for him. Insane? Fluent in alligator-personese? You decide!

At first Carradine offers his services as a hired goon to the body positivity guru, but it soon becomes clear his real agenda is to infiltrate srs bsns guy's following to free his captive, the sorceress, who has some unspecified past connection with the homeracs. His brilliant plan to do this involves springing her from her cell, then telling the guard it wasn't him. To be fair, it takes several minutes' worth of screentime longer than you'd think for Evil McDourface to catch on to this line of bullshit, making this actually a slightly better-thought-out plan than, say, hanging yourself naked in a closet to get a hardon.

Nevertheless, the bad guy sets a trap for Carradine, pre-emptively one-upping Total Recall's triple-titted hooker with a quadruply-enboobed dancer who knocks out Carradine with some sort of poisoned appendage that shoots out of her. He could have just drugged his drink or bonked him on the head with a mallet or something, but then there wouldn't have been a chick with four jugs in the movie, unless she was just standing around somewhere.

In accordance with our censorship policy, the actress's actual n*pples have been covered with serial child killer and cannibal Albert Fish, to avoid any offence. Since the bottom pair are prosthetics, there is no need to censor them.

The flick grows bored of generic villain and his reptile-rogering rival only slightly quicker than you will, so it ditches both for these dudes who I can't tell if they're meant to be mutants or Star Trek ayys or what:

"Do not keep saying 'got your nose'. That is NOT funny" - these guys.

Fortunately Carradine saves the day with the help of his nearly-always-naked deuteragonist and her blacksmithing ways, but since this is a western pastiche in sci-fantasy dressup, once the showdown is over, he doesn't hang around. I MEAN

"Well, Dave, we did it: we finally became: The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984) HD VHSrip (tops out at 240p)" - actual dialogue.