Pat Bastard and the Spurious 5: Greatest Movie of All Time of the Week: The Thief of Bagdad!

Article theme: Magic Carpet Ride - Steppenwolf

Ignore the 1940 Bri'ish talkie called The Thief of Baghdad; the 1924 silent epic is by far the greater film, even though it opens with the most boomerific platitude you could imagine:

This theme is actually developed pretty well in the movie, but literally spelling it out right from the jump is like opening your magnum opus with "don't forget to floss!".

A clear influence on Disney's Aladdin, Thief stars Douglas Fairbanks as the titular protagonist, who passes his days in the Arabian metropolis lifting purses from well-heeled merchants and food from some old Jew broad. Thankfully, it's a silent movie, so we don't have to listen to her kvetch.

Oh, you'll laugh at my "white girls fuck dogs" bit from my Die Another Day article, but for this you boo?

Much time is killed with Fairbanks and his old geezer sidekick (who completely disappears from the picture at some point; IDK) robbing marks and bouncing around like Mario before the plot kicks in. We're in no hurry, because the whole time we can look at sets like this:

Oh, big deal. That's probably a matte--

Uh...

Oh. Well damn.

Fairbanks disguises himself as a prince to compete for the princess's hand with three rivals, including our Fu Manchuesque villain (Sōjin Kamiyama):

LMFAO this is like if a Mongolian said "oh, there goes John Blon Flon of Muh Puh Guh".

Posing as a prince with a minimalistic cover story (he's from very far away), Fairbanks contrives to woo the princess (Julanne Johnston) in her chambers. I wouldn't mind a chance to slip into her chambers either.

Don't say it.

I'm not saying it.

But Fairbanks' ruse is exposed, cockteasing us with the prospect of a mauling by gorilla that never occurs:

Me leaving feedback on the Uber driver who sang along to Lady Ga Ga on his radio.

Instead, he's merely beaten with whips and tossed out of the palace, now feeling remorse for what he's done. The princess is distraught, fearing she now has to choose one of the other three suitors.

That's not the first time she's had a a string of pearls across her face. Alright, I said it, but you made me.

To stall their advances, she sets them a fetch quest:

Most reasonable wahman on Tinder.

CAN Douglas Fairbanks redeem himself and win the love of his princess?

WILL Cham Shang conquer Bagdad by force or deception?

IS this century-old movie better than anything you've ever seen, despite imagining yourself quite the kinosseur? Yes to all. The absurdly huge sets and orientalist maximalist design aesthetic mog the production standards of every talkie would-be adventure or epic combined. The effects don't merely hold up, but are altogether more impressive than more recent efforts because they were done without computers. There's action, romance, laughs, intrigue and spectacle for days. Watch The Thief of Bagdad, but don't show it to your kids too soon - you'll spoil them.