As a man almost as egregiously verbose as I am will remind you, Hollywood was always pozzed. Nonetheless, since reality leans way to the right of your wine aunt's MSNBC-fueled fever dreams of Drumpf nuking Wakanda, some of our beloved movies can't help but veer into based territory against all intentions.
12 Angry Men
 |
| The reproachful glare of two guys whose entire worldview was the opposite five minutes ago when the Overton window in the room was different. |
In this 1930s exercise in winning arguments in your head in the shower, Henry Fonda plays the one upstanding citizen who talks a jury of lazy bums, reticent old farts and evil strawmen out of convicting a boy accused of stabbing his father. A rousing morality tale for pompous libs everywhere, until you realise the kid is almost certainly guilty anyway and is going to stab again, all because a bunch of comically impressionable normoids followed the emotional manipulation of a clever psychopath. As Fonda walks them through absurd reach after implausible stretch, they take to sharing in the delusion by making up stories about reading glasses so they can convince themselves post-facto that their acrobatic U-turns were their own ideas. In one bleakly hilarious scene, they all harden their resolve to let the killer walk free because one of the jurors is raaaycist. Realise Fonda plays the devil, and suddenly the movie works!
Starship Troopers
 |
| One of these is a horrifying future we must do everything to avoid, but opinions are divided as to which. |
Paul Verhoeven's Starship Troopers follows in the storied tradition of properties like Judge Dredd that attempt to tediously and redundantly satirise rw authoritarianism but instead make it look both necessary and cool. The dystopian future envisioned in the movie is impossibly clean and advanced, everyone is beautiful and healthy, and the prevailing values are camaraderie, excellence and cinematically eugenic sex. Meanwhile, in the enlightened rainbow flag utopia of the 21st Century, priorities are normalising obesity, decriminalising intentional AIDS transmission, and cuckholdry. Sequels attempted to make the satire even more safely in lockstep with the remit of any milquetoast talk show host by bashing Christianity too - which they also made look cool.
X Men
Bryan Sìnger has been called many things: homosexual pedophile, boy toucher, diddler, nonce, creep, pervert, groomer, bacha bazi enthusiast, man-boy love participant, bum bandit, ass pirate, average Hollywood director, and all of the above. Yet in his efforts to subvert and degrade the cultural values of America he accidentally made a 2000 classic that says all the opposite things to what he clearly intended.
 |
| Homo superior: cranking one out or taking a dump? You decide! |
X Men is clearly meant as a left-liberal fable about how such minorities as the gays and the of colour are people too and should be embraced unconditionally, but accidentally makes the opposite point. Senator Robert Kelly is the strawman foaming-at-the-mouth biggot who wants to enact legislation to publicly identify mutants because they can do things like mind control people and blow up buildings with a glance, which is so obviously reasonable and necessary that he instantly becomes the hero of the movie in the eyes of the entire audience. In actual dialogue he asks what exactly is supposed to stop a woman with the power to become incorporeal and walk through walls from walking into bank vaults and missile silos. Our supposed heroes have no answer for this.
 |
| Left of frame, wearing the devil's colours: our heroine. Right of frame, backed by a halo effect, our hateful reactionary. Was the DP secretly based? You decide! |
Kelly is further proven right about everything as we are introduced to Magneto (Gandalf), a former concentration camp inmate who now wants to exterminate the human race in a Dave Chappelle bit called "Space Jews". Soyoids seethed over Chappelle's joke - and then Isr*el started giving a million children the Biafra treatment. Didn't really think that one through, huh?
SubUrbia
 |
| Is this the shittiest VHS cover ever? Yes. |
Slacker director Richard Linklater attempted to tell off white youth by having them hang out outside a convenience store, make fun of its Indian owner, be unlucky in love and in life, and learn Important Lessons too late to be of any use. The whole movie is clearly intended to bluepill the unsuspecting viewer from start to finish: protagonist Giovanni Ribisi is understandably bummed by his bubblegum feminist gf's trendy male-bashing but later learns that what he really wants is to treat her to a nice trip, only to find that it's too late, and she's now a helplessly enamoured groupie for the local rock star. A young PTSD army vet rags on the rock star's manager for her sheltered naïveté, but the joke's on him: erectile dysfunction! And the Indian storeowner dunks on our rabble of youths epic style when he tells them they're wasting their lives while he's studying for a diploma and they'll one day clean his pool. On closer inspection, each of these bluepills is a redpill, except the erectile dysfunction one, which is more of a non-sequitur. In a world where whites had the in-group preference of a normal racial group, they'd show this movie as a warning to their kids to get them to play 20 hours of violin a day or whatever it is Azns do.
The Professionals
Most westerns fall into two unsatisfactory categories: pre-60s boomercon fantasies shot like sitcoms and post-60s visually striking anti-westerns pushing fashionable nihilism. The Professionals is in the latter camp. Characters wonder in loaded dialogue whether global proto-commie revolutions are Good Actually, because in the 60s revolution was a cool buzzword for upper middle class hippy kids sheltered from the reality that revolutions involve murdering a lot of people.
 |
| You could have stopped there buddy. |
Jack Palance plays the tragically-cool revolutionary antagonist who on the point of death gives a poignant speech comparing the revolution to a great love affair, exciting to get into, but declining inevitably into bitterness and misery. This is supposed to make him sympathetic, but instead it's accidentally a solid warning not to get involved in lw violence because you will inevitably lose control of it and wind up in a mass grave. "What a retard", we think.
Blue Velvet
 |
| A challenger appears! |
While David Lunch himself is famous for refusing to explain his often cryptic films, critics have typically viewed Blue Velvet as a satirical attack on Norman Rockwell suburbia for some imagined hypocrisy. The only problem is that it makes small town Americana look unironically good and the forces that assail it from the bad side of town unambiguously bad. 60s hippy icon Dennis Hopper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2) is significantly cast as the disruptive element and getting drawn into Hopper's world, far from his leafy street, is what starts to corrupt Kyle McLachlan's Jeffrey's soul. A similar misreading of Twin Peaks would later compound critics' uniform worthlessness.
Scream
 |
| Imagine designing a mask this cool only for soyjaks to drop decades later and completely ruin it. |
While its popularisation of reddit deconstructionism and surface level girl power themes skew soyward, Scream is today a reactionary classic since (spoilers) the plot hinges on Sidney misidentifying her mom's killer because hash tag believe womxn. Without our heroine's misguided determination to believe her mom was rayped by an evil cispig, the real killer might have been apprehended long ago. Things get still more unintentionally keyed and redpilled in the third instalment which anticipated hash tag me too by the best part of two decades. You remember hash tag me too - that was when multimillionaire AWFLs in Hollywood launched their hostile takeover against the equally left-liberal but male establishment of Tinseltown on the basis that they were all rapists, which raged across the headlines until they realised the rìght wìng wants the evil of that California cesspool exposed as mercilessly as possible, at which point they became embarrassed and it trailed off. Chuds stay winning!
The Leopard
 |
| "OK Claudia, for the next take I want you to give me your absolute least DTF look. You know what, good enough" - Visconti |
Neorealism-transcender Luchino Visconti overcompensated for his aristocratic wealth and bougie homosexuality by fronting as a c*mmunist, which was the hip thing to be in Italian cinema until they discovered the reactionary joys of making hilarious gay-bashing Mad Max ripoffs in the 80s. Fortunately he retained enough atavistic vestiges of humanity to make The Leopard, an undisputed masterwork that reads as a lament for the passing of aristocratic grandeur in the face of the ugly, prosaic politics of modernity. I might do a whole piece on it some other time, but if I don't, watch it anyway.
Leslie: My Name Is Evil
 |
| This is supposed to be a salacious headline but the only thing misleading here is the emphasis on Charlie himself. |
Another unintended satire of itself, Leslie (also released as Manson Girl or Manson: My Name Is Evil because everyone knows Charlie is the real draw) tells the story of how Leslie Van Houten became involved with the Family and stabbed a woman who was probably already dead, before being convicted in one of the most famous trials of the 20th Century. The director would later try to backpedal on a scene in the movie that shows Leslie's mother pressuring her to kill her unborn child by saying that the message was supposed to be that telling someone abortion is homicide would somehow legitimise future killing in that young person's mind, as opposed to the less come-on-now reading that enabling someone to kill would degrade the value of human life in her reckoning.
 |
| Me making the libtards' movies make sense (2024, colourised). |
The movie then goes on to make the case, completely straight-facedly, that murdering randos is OK because the US military killed more people in Vietnam, blatantly ignoring that the anti-colonialist c*mmie faction started the war (every Nam flick does this). This whataboutery is so comically weak that, far from strengthening Leslie's standing with the audience, it drains all sympathy for her and makes what is supposed to be a bitter ending, with the troubled juror swayed by her hippyish charms resolving to convict her instead being satisfying. Despite its intentions, well worth pirating for the performances. The guy who plays Manson is gr8.
The Joker
 |
| The struggle is real. |
In 2019, the journos of the world decided it would be fun to try to encourage a mass shooting at a cinema by creating from whole cloth a narrative that perennial safe punching bags "incels" would commit just such a heinous crime on the movie's release. The fact The Joker went out of its way to avoid taking a political stance (the title character literally states he's not political) didn't stop the mass media machine from delivering their hated foes a gift by making it political. For them, any movie showing a sympathetic portrayal of an economically disadvantaged, socially awkward whiteboi was unacceptable. Fortunately, the crowd they tried so hard to provoke weren't taking the bait, and no shooting occurred - but a contemporaneous screening of Frozen 2 featured a machete fight, go figure. Expect the unwanted upcoming Joker 2 to try way too hard to placate lib sensibilities in penance for the unintended thoughtcrimes of the first.
No comments:
Post a Comment