Roar: The Most Insane Film Ever Made

You all remember Timothy Treadwell, from the greatest docukino, Grizzly Man? Well now imagine he had fuckoff money and was married to a classic Hollywood A-lister, and made his own little Apocalypse Now, except set entirely in the Kurtz compound and starring himself as Dennis Hopper's spaced-out photographer character, and instead of people the inhabitants of the compound were lions.

Yes.

That is, roughly speaking, what Roar is. Noel Marshall was the nutter, Tippi Hedren his equally deranged wife, and a young Melanie Griffith their IRL daughter. Along with two sons from a previous marriage, they form the family at the heart (of darkness) of the most window-licking movie venture ever funded. If Aguirre-era Herzog and Kinski had been pitched this idea, they would have thought it was too nuts. The picture proudly proclaims in its opening credits that no animals were harmed (which I doubt), but cheerfully omits to mention that seventy members of the cast and crew were injured by the said felines, including DP Jan de Bont (who would go on to do Die Hard and Speed) who was fucking scalped by one of the beasts.

U N T R A I N E D

Marshall plays a version of himself called Hank, and Hedren plays a version of herself named Madeleine. This version of her evidently doesn't remember The Birds, which should have given her a healthy fear and loathing of nature on its own. Their kids, however, all play themselves, or at least use their IRL names, possibly in case they needed to keep in any personalised screams for help that might have occurred during filming.

*Record scratch* *freeze frame* I bet you're wondering how I got into this position...

I'd like to think it goes without saying that getting up close and personal with lions (and tigers, and various other dangerous beasts) is one of the worse ideas you can come up with, but this has never occurred to Hank, who goes off on a boat trip leaving his family to arrive unsuspecting at his compound which is now empty except for the hundred and fifty ravenous predators he likes to pal around with.

What's the worst that could happen?

His way back is further complicated when a couple of his tiger friends hop on the boat and capsize it, which I'm not sure was meant to happen, which is something I can say for most of the events in this film. I say this because the animals literally get writing credits for their improv skills, because Noel "One Flew Over The Lion's Den" Marshall doesn't know the difference between improv and the fact that a fucking animal doesn't know it's on a movie set and is only interested in food, rutting, and mayhem.

Except this one which is really into skateboarding.

Meanwhile, Hedren et al spend a lot of time running and hiding from the lions. The sons lock themselves in various things and Hedren loses her top, tries to pull a lion off her daughter by its TAIL, and gets a jar of honey or something drop on her face. I thought this was going to be a plot point that would lead to one of the animals trying to lick/eat it off her, but it never pays off, so it's just another small moment of inexplicable derangement in the midst of what is certainly the best movie no one should have ever even thought of making.

After this she steps on a rake nine times and falls into a cactus.

There's a subplot about two guys who get mauled at the start of the picture coming back to shoot some lions and tigers, which takes care of itself when the one antisocial lion, Togar, whom we can recognise because he's always covered in blood, shows up and mauls them to death. If they weren't in the movie at all it would make absolutely no difference.

"Yes, this looks like a sensible animal to put in a home movie with my family" - Noel

In case getting chased, sliced up and otherwise harassed by the pride wasn't enough, Tippi Hedren then gets in a fight with an elephant.

The woman has no luck at all with animals.

It's worth noting that the film score seems to have been grafted on from an entirely different project, as it's all feel-good family comedy stuff, bookended by two utterly emetic hippy type pop/folk/rock songs about harmony and loving one another and suchlike, all of which is so tonally dissonant with what we're watching, which is definitely funny, but like the Darwin Awards are funny, and laced with a healthy dose of cringe as at any moment you're afraid one of the improv stars is going to improv biting the face off a cast member. Apparently Griffith actually sustained a facial injury and needed reconstructive surgery. Bet you don't think your parents were so mean now (unless you were molested).

Ceiling Cat fucking told you not to masturbate. Now he's sending in the big guns.

Fortunately Roar is never boring and if you look at it as a sort of surrealistic satire it's a pretty great work of art. If you look at it as 100% sincere it's kind of even better because it's a glimpse into madness at the opposite end of the social spectrum to the guy that sits next to you on the bus. Either way, check out Roar.

Here is an article that goes into a bit more detail on the film's background.