Pat Bastard and the Spurious 5: Mad Max Ripoffs: Doomsday

2008's Doomsday is technically a ripoff of Escape from New York, 28 Days Later, Aliens, and, I guess, King Arthur as well, but I'm counting it as a Mad Max ripoff because all the most interesting stuff is in that style.

Doomsday is set in the future in which England has followed Trump's lead and built a wall to keep Scotland contained (ostensibly this is due to a virus but I think we all know it's to keep the bagpipes out). Unfortunately this does little to make England great again, because it's being run by an incompetent PM who's little more but a puppet for the main villain. And therein lies the twist: this movie isn't post-apocalyptic, only Scotland is.

And who's gonna pay for the wall? Scotland!

This sounds like a great comedy premise, and if the movie was as balls-out silly and retarded as that premise would imply, it might have been the greatest of all the ripoff movies. Sadly, it strikes out in two directions at once, trying to be lolrandumb 80s redditry and grimdark Alien Cubed Sci Fi at the same time. Like a Tarantino movie, these two completely contradictory tones are never reconciled, and so the movie doesn't really work.

This is a pity, because Doomsday is pretty much exactly the kind of movie I'd be making if I had the budget to work with. Since I don't, I'm doing this instead. But Doomsday has a special little place in my black, desiccated heart despite its shortcomings.

Aye aye, cap'n.

Our heroine is Kate Beckinsale from Underworld, but with one eye missing (because she's Snake Plissken geddit XDXDXD). She's tasked with going into Scotland to try to find a cure for the disease that's popped up south of the wall. She gets a team who are the marines from Aliens, most of whom get offed in short order.

Kate is then captured by our Mad Max-ian cannibals, who want her to lead them back I guess blah blah whatever. There's too much plot in this movie. More importantly, they have a sweet party where men in kilts dance to the can can and this chick, Viper, sets some dude on fire.

tfw no post-apocalyptic qt to set me on fire :(((

This is the best part of the movie, because it is hilarious, which is what the rest of the picture should have been. Unfortunately Viper gets bumped off too early in the proceedings and Kate and her buddies go to chill with Malcolm MacDowell in a castle (really).

After the awkward detour into the Middle Ages, we finally get a car chase, which is pretty good but rips off too many beats from The Road Warrior. Ripping off the aesthetic is cool, but ripping off the beats is kind of lame. The vehicles are good though.

One of these things is not like the other things.

How to make Doomsday a 10/10 movie

Although Doomsday kind of sucks, it is very close to being my ideal for a movie. I believe with these simple changes it would be 10/10 kino:

Cut out all the boring government intrigue stuff. Nobody cares.
Cut out the whole King Arthur sequence and replace it with more car chases.
Give Kate a personality.
Don't kill off Viper like five minutes after she first appears. Have her survive into the final chase.
Have her ride into battle on her cookmobile: