In this article I struggle to articulate why, contrary to everything you've been told, hair metal is great and people who don't like it are communists. For the purposes of our article "hair metal" includes glam metal, sleaze rock, hard rock, and anything else I want it to, because it's all the same thing.
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| Lita Ford, or Sebastian Bach. Pic by Zoran Veselinovic. |
1. Hair metal gives you priapism. Priapism is when you have a boner that lasts longer than nature or common sense would ordinarily allow. Exhibit A are these lyrics from Dangerous Toys:
Sport'n a woody, when you're walkin' by
Sport'n a woody, when your titties fly
Sport'n a woody, rippin' my fly
Sport'n a woody, till the day I die
As you can see, in addition to some of the most beautiful poetry ever committed to song, this represents an enormously long time to be presenting with a hardon. Note that the title is "Sport'n a Woody", because hair metal loves the -'n formation. You wouldn't want to write "Sporting a Woody" and look stupid now, would you?
2. Hair metal bands know no fear. Not only does Mötley Crüe routinely shout at the Devil, but Dokken actually scares Freddy Krueger. Nikki Sixx is mostly famous for dying of a heroin overdose, waking up, and going home to shoot more heroin.
3. Everyone had to be hair metal in the 1980s, including classic rock acts like Aerosmith and Alice Cooper. This means that if Jim Morrison had survived longer than is cool, he would have sprayed his hair and sung about dicks. I think we can agree this is definitely something that should have happened. Furthermore, "bad ass" 90s metal bands like Pantera and Alice in Chains used to be hair metal before their big breaks, generating endless lulz.
4. Also called "cock rock". Bands included Cycle Sluts From Hell and Faster Pussycat, and Danger Danger, all of whose songs had repeated one-word titles, like "Bang Bang" and "Dicks Dicks" (maybe).
5. Gave the PMRC (sort of the 80s version of SocJus) fainting spells over their lyrics. Dee Snyder hilariously trolled the retards by revealing that the song they thought was about sexual torture was about a trip to the dentist, giving us a good idea of how stupid the people presently whining about video games are going to look in a few years' time.
What's your favourite hair metal band??? Does it matter??? If a train leaves the station travelling at 45 degrees, how long does it take for Suresh to find x???
3. Everyone had to be hair metal in the 1980s, including classic rock acts like Aerosmith and Alice Cooper. This means that if Jim Morrison had survived longer than is cool, he would have sprayed his hair and sung about dicks. I think we can agree this is definitely something that should have happened. Furthermore, "bad ass" 90s metal bands like Pantera and Alice in Chains used to be hair metal before their big breaks, generating endless lulz.
4. Also called "cock rock". Bands included Cycle Sluts From Hell and Faster Pussycat, and Danger Danger, all of whose songs had repeated one-word titles, like "Bang Bang" and "Dicks Dicks" (maybe).
5. Gave the PMRC (sort of the 80s version of SocJus) fainting spells over their lyrics. Dee Snyder hilariously trolled the retards by revealing that the song they thought was about sexual torture was about a trip to the dentist, giving us a good idea of how stupid the people presently whining about video games are going to look in a few years' time.
What's your favourite hair metal band??? Does it matter??? If a train leaves the station travelling at 45 degrees, how long does it take for Suresh to find x???
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