Pat Bastard and the Spurious 5

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The joke is: Q. What do you call an angry Penguin? A. A Pengrrruin At first I thought this was a typo, but Penguin jokes would ne...

Today is absolutely no one's favourite holiday, Valentine's Day!!!! This is a day for all the single losers* like myself to contemp...

Hello campers! Let me tell you a story of a young boy who overcame deformity and retardation to become one of history's most beloved ma...

Sun Tzu was an awesome bastard during the "Spring And Autumn Period" of Chinese history, because in China, Summer doesn't hap...

Put this on your play list. Be sure to play it backwards until you can hear my voice. I'll tell you what to do. Anything by Anal ...

"Some argue" means "it might be argued". People don't say that because it makes you sound like a tool. You can say ...

Prom Night is one of the all time classics of the slasher movie genre. It has all the classic elements you need for great success: the tit...

I was reflecting on the transience of existence ( procrastination ), when I realised it's no longer a lifelong concern, but a day-to-da...

Everyone knows Basil Fawlty, the lovable hotel owner who violently beats his staff, locks guests in cupboards, and otherwise lays down the ...

"I taught you how to read you psychopathic ingrate. Go to your room" Why is this girl always asking her poor dad what he did...

WARNING! This post contains spoilers for several 500-year-old plays. Edmund is the best character in King Lear , a play about a king wh...

What do you get when you smush together a western, film noir, action flick, rock and roll musical, and set it in the Blade Runner city of ...

Look at this shit.

This is something no one argues about (yet), so stay ahead of the curve with this fabulous argument for going back to the 1920s. By the way...

Dr Octagon is a pink-afro'd, green-skinned, skull-faced gynaecologist invented by stark staring batshit loon and genius Kool Keith. The...

Have a bastardly new year!!!

People keep telling me money can’t buy me happiness, but I'm becoming suspicious of this claim. Here’s what I’d do if I were rich, and ...

The strangest thing happened last night. I had just been fired from my job as desk clerk at Mr Potter's nuclear power plant for imperso...

Grey Seer Thanquol's contributions to bastardry are many and varied. Thanquol is a Skaven (rat-man) from the city of Skavenblight, in S...

WARNING: This post contains MASSIVE FUCKING SPOILERS for a show you should DEFINITELY HAVE SEEN by now. Tony Soprano is the gold standard...

Onibaba is the best movie ever. When most people think of Japan, they think of squids banging schoolgirls, Godzilla, Sumo wrestling, s...

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Point Blank is the best movie ever. I saw Point Blank by accident during a period of watching every movie on TV. And people said I’d ...

Circumlocutory assholes on the interwebs are getting upset that nobody wants to read their pontifications, a point of view expressed since ...

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Since the title of the new James Bond film has now been released ( SPECTRE ), it seems like a fine opportunity to recap on the series so fa...

I was standing in a queue with my bestfriend (guaranteed better than yours), and a thought occurred to me. Feeling I should share this thou...

So I was in the nursing home, convincing the Alzheimer's patients I was their son, when I heard the sound of a car crash on the street ...

They should hang this in schools.

My role model is Jabba the Hutt. Some people think Jabba the Hutt is a vile gangster, but I think Jabba the Hutt has many good qualitie...

Many years ago I wrote a piece  about how travel broadens the mind (and Warrington kills it). Looking back through my travel pix I noticed ...

Braco , known as the Gazer, is a Croatian man who stares at people. He is way more popular than most of the artists in your music library, ...

A spam caller just called to ask if I was my dad. I told him no, and THE FUCKER ARGUED WITH ME. He said "you SOUND like Mr. Bastard...

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Before I begin, I'd like to reveal to you a bit of background that will help you understand this story. You see I always identified wit...

A few years ago, I published an article  about the then-current Jack the Ripper identity. I have no idea if this theory is still popular, o...

I'd like to give a shout-out to my French fans. Even though I've spent a total of about a day in France when I was too young to rem...

Dead End is a 2003 movie starring Ray Wise ( everything ) and Lin Shaye ( everything else ). It's about a family who go to see their r...

Being a fan of horror movies, perhaps as a consequence of an active imagination as a child, you always check the backseat of your car befor...

There was a face at the window. I went downstairs to get a glass of water. It was dark inside and out but I was lit by the streetlights fro...

I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and was surprised to see my mother standing there in the hallway. She was wearing a long w...