H8ing Christmas is reddit, yet most Christmas music is annoying. How to navigate this elaborate minefield? Why, by means of every cowardly bastard's first and last refuge: radical centrism. Here are the five best and five worst Christmas songs.
The Good
Coping neckbeards have occasionally tried to spin this banger from the devastating Third/Sister Lovers album as ironic. Wrong! Chilton's songwriting exposed every nerve and when he was being sarcastic, as on "Thank You Friends", you'd have to be as autismal as me to miss it. "Jesus Christ" is the crowning jewel in any patrician's seasonal playlist.
2. We Three Kings - Rob Halford
Sure, metal covers are a played-out novelty staple but that doesn't change the fact that making something metal generally improves it, and lyrics of such crushing heft as "King forever/Ceasing never/Over us all to reign" merit every bit of bombast the format imbues. Better yet, there's zero irony in Halford's treatment. Constantly misunderstood by idiots, the name Judas Priest was always intended to convey the duality in the human soul between evil and good, and Halford, who lived this internal war harder than many, ultimately roots for the Priest.
3. No Man's Land - Alice Cooper
Featured on the master's greatest album, DaDa, "No Man's Land" tells a tale of a mall Santa who ditches his duties to go bang some thot he just met, meaning the movie Bad Santa is just a ripoff of this unknown classic from the 80s. The already-ambiguous context of the album gives it a more troubling undertone too, but on a playlist this will go over everyone's heads, enabling them to discover it for themselves when they spin the album, making it the gift that keeps on giving.
4. One More Sleep - Leona Lewis
Basic thots cover your ears: "One More Sleep" is the pop R&B banger "All I Want for Christmas is You" wishes it could be, and finally makes good use of those chiming bell sounds that festoon any number of weaker seasonal arrangements.
5. Als I Lay on Yoolis Night - Martin Best Ensemble
This 14th Century traditional song reaches back into our deep and overly neglected well of heritage to fill you with the calm that is the counterpoint to Halford's majestic bombast and Cooper's sinister mischief.
The Bad
1. Feed the World - Live Aid
Dear boomoids: the reason there was a horrific famine in Ethiopia in the 1980s is because a communist psychopath named Mengistu Haile Mariam murdered the last emperor, seized power and implemented the same collectivisation of agriculture policies that killed millions in the USSR and tens of millions in China, not because "nothing ever grows" in "Africa". Sure, as continents go, Africa is by far the biggest net importer of food from outside of itself, but it didn't have to be that way. There was a perfectly good country called Rhodesia that was known as the breadbasket of Africa until yet another communist faction took it over, ethnically cleansed the white farmers who made it work, and caused another famine that killed a million people. Rather than realise that being an evil libtard is the common denominator in everything that goes wrong ever, evil libtards instead wrote this song pestering everyone to "feed the world", causing an immense, unstoppable explosion of a dependent population, creating a genuinely apocalyptic ticking time bomb, making this by far the worst and most destructive song in history.
2. Happy Xmas (War is Over) - John Lennon and the Yoko Ono Band
So dreary and boring that for years I heard its refrain as "without any cheer" instead of "fear", and it still seemed to make some kind of sense. War will be over when Lennon-worshippers stop listening to neocon slop about how Hitl0r was uniquely evil in all of history and, simultaneously, everyone from Poutine to Hummus is Hitl0r.
3. I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day - ???
FACT CHECK: the snowman doesn't bring the snow. The snow comes first, then kids make the snowman out of it. Way to screw the kids out of their well-earned credit, someone I can't be bothered to Bing Search.
4. Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart - Wham!
BARF.
5. We All Want Some Figgy Pudding - traditional
"And we won't go until we get some/We won't go until we get some/We won't go until we get some/So bring some out here". Scarcely has a song so begged for a steel-toe-capped boot to the taint.
Stay tuned for more phoned-in listicles!
